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“The president had five polyps removed from his colon. Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Carl Levin and Dick Durbin are all doing fine.”

“You remember the 1990 debate? And this pony-tailed guy stands up and says to the candidates, ‘Which one of you is going to treat us as your children?’ A responsible candidate would have said: ‘What?'”

“‘Seagulls Fat and Infertile From Fast Food.’ Who cares? The seagull is the rat of the sea.”

“‘Human activities that spur global warming largely to blame for changes in rainfall patterns over the last century.’ Really? Well, what the hell were human beings doing back in the days when Noah had to build the damn ark?”

“Will this president Cherry Jones of ’24’ show cleavage the way Hillary did after her womanhood was challenged by Elizabeth Edwards? Ha, ha!”

“You don’t sound nervous at all, Zack. And if you were a female I’d say, ‘Don’t worry about it because this call is going to be like a mink glove on your back.’ But since I don’t go that way, I won’t say that to you.”

“Esquire’s latest cover has a photo of John Edwards. Look at what it says above his head: ‘The Sexiest Woman Alive.’ And this is the cheesiest pose I have ever seen!”

“Do you realize that the approval numbers for Congress right now are lower than what the Republicans had going into last November’s elections?”

“So that’s why I’ve been missing out all my life: I’ve been heading in the wrong direction. Sex takes place above the neck, according to Joycelyn Elders. And she would know being from the Clinton administration, wouldn’t you think?”

“I’m not ‘probably’ right about it. I know I’m right.”

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