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“Ted Kennedy saying that he’s against the politics of personal destruction is like Bill Clinton saying he’s for monogamy.”

“Our culture is a culture of perfection, but today I went beyond the surface — I dug deep to get to the real looks of Mrs. Clinton: silly, incompetent, angry, childish, and mean.”

“My friend Andrew McCarthy had the funniest take on this McCain lie. I so wanted to steal it as my own, but I have ethics, and I think that when people come up with great stuff, they deserve the credit for it.”

“Ted Kennedy has his endorsement speech coming up in a few minutes. I hope they’re backstage saying, ‘It’s Obama, Senator Kennedy. Remember the B. It’s Obama.'”

“Congressional approval ratings are lower than at any time in history, and that’s because of George W. Bush: He hasn’t shrunk, he hasn’t cowered, and he continues to talk about freedom the world over.”

“When I say that we’ve gone from Bull Connor to Bull Clinton, believe me, there are plenty in this audience who know exactly what that means. The only thing he doesn’t have is the hose.”

“CNN wanted me on this morning, but I didn’t want to get up early enough to be on CNN. Besides, not enough audience there to warrant shortchanging my sleep.”

“I had solar panels on my house in Sacramento. The electric bills were supposed to go down, but I didn’t notice diddly-squat. I didn’t even know if the things worked.”

“After all of his years of chummily bonding with liberal reporters, it appears that Senator McCain is embarrassed to be seen as too much of a conservative, and we don’t want people who are embarrassed to be conservatives — I’ve run into enough of those at parties in the Northeast.”

“I’m going to vote tomorrow, but I’m not going to tell you who I’m voting for. A vote is sacred, a vote is private. And if I get exit polled, I’m going to lie.”

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