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“The Republican Party mantra is ‘we hope he succeeds,’ but, frankly, given his plans, I don’t want Obama to succeed, folks. I don’t want socialism.”

“Poll: ‘Eighty-six percent of Chicago elected officials said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.’ The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet so they couldn’t answer.”

“Hang on, ladies and gentlemen — I’m being interrupted. The staff is violating a 20-year-old rule; happy birthday to me. You know, I’m softening on this stuff. Normally, I would’ve shut the microphone off and started cursing.”

“We’re going to have a Drive-By Media that will look at Obama and say, ‘Too big to fail’, and prop him up. It’ll be the exact opposite of what they did during the last six years.”

“Somebody asked, ‘How many times a day do you gargle with alcohol?’ And I said, ‘I don’t know. Maybe you should ask Maureen Dowd.'”

“The announcement of Obama’s plans alone should be causing a huge spike in economic activity becausethe government’s the only entity that can fix this, as Obama says. But there isn’t one bit of detectable movement in our economy as a result of these bailouts, is there?”

“I got a birthday card from Punkin today. The card basically asks me to bring home some caviar so that she can celebrate this special day and I can pause to think about how lucky I am to have her. I love that little cat.”

“Successful businesses overcome the odds placed in front of them by government. Failing businesses are those that look for help from government to keep going.”

“Looking at all the infrastructure improvement plans Obama wants to implement to ‘save’ the economy, I’m led to the following realization: Ted ‘Bridge to Nowhere’ Stevens was ahead of his time.”

“Figure out what it is you really want to do, and then look into how to do it and get it done. ‘Oh, Rush, it’s so hard.’ I know it is. But everything starts with the first step.”

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