Today is Earth Day, folks.So in my official role as America’s Anchorman, let me lead the nation in a solemn tribute to some of the pioneers who’ve contributed to the well-being of planet Earfand its inhabitants — us.
First, we salute a group that’s unmarked by history: the first coal miners in America– farmers, selling it by the bushel. Their efforts grew into an industry that fuels America’s energy needs. To the coal miners of America, past and present: Happy Earf Day.
Next: two little-known men– Charles and Frank Duryea. On September 20, 1893 they constructed and tested the first gasoline-powered automobile. They were also the first to incorporate into an American automobile business. Now we travel the Earf in gas-powered cars; we owe these two a debt of gratitude.
Next we honor, this Earth Day, an inventor whose legacy has spread all over the Earf: Gordon Dancy. He invented the first high-density plastic grocery bag,which can handle up to 40 pounds of stuff. That singular invention has benefited our daily life on earth in multitudinous ways.
And, lastly, perhaps America’s greatest inventor of all time: ThomasEdison, whose incredible inventions defined our modern world. Among them, the incandescent light bulb,so that we can see Earfat night. A hero to America and all of mankind. And on this Earth Day, we salute himand so many other capitalist inventorswhose efforts have brought so much joy –and progress — to us, the inhabitants, of Mother Earf.
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