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“Spaying and neutering pets isn’t something that keeps me awake at night, but I do sometimes worry that the Republican Party has been spayed or neutered.”

“I’m not a diplomat, and I don’t want to be a diplomat. If somebody has holes in their head, I’m going to tell them that, instead of saying that they have an open mind, you know?”

“‘Mr. Limbaugh, are you trying to tell me and the rest of the country that you oppose this compassionate Obamacare provision of having children stay on their parents’ policies until they’re 26?’ Yes, because you’re not a kid when you’re 26. You might be, but I wasn’t.”

“We don’t have a whole lot of people living in Literalville. We don’t need a big fire department. The sewage system is easily manageable, and we don’t have any zoning problems. And taxes in Literalville? Sky freaking high, like they are everywhere else.”

“Admittedly, there are going to be some Republicans gun-shy about defending the rich and the super-rich… I, of course, do not have that problem.”

“From CNN: ‘President Obama is considering at least a short delay to the start of his holiday vacation in Hawaii so he can try to work out a deal with congressional Republicans on the Bush tax cuts.’ A short delay? Must be serious, Snerdley.”

“‘Sissy’ is effective. I don’t think there’s anybody who doesn’t know what a sissy is, and the people that hate the word themost are sissies themselves.”

“So we have a story about how Hillary was ordering State Department employees to spy on UN diplomats. That’s totally believable. I mean, this is the bunch that had 500 FBI files on people when they were in the White House.”

“If it was me, I’d go into that meeting and say, ‘Mr. President, two years ago I said I hope you fail, and my purpose here is to see to it that you do, because your policies have destroyed this nation’s economy.'”

“Everybody thinks I’ve been too hard on Julian Assange by calling him a sissy, but I could’ve been harder. I could’ve said that he looks just like Bill Maher. I think he’d rather be called a sissy, don’t you?”

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