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“If the Democrats believe Clinton’s tax increases led to a boom economy and Bush’s tax cuts destroyed the economy, why do they want to extend the Bush tax rates?”

“Man, oh, man! We have sound bites of females in the White House press corps during Clinton’s appearance… I think they took their clothes off in front of Clinton while asking him questions like, ‘Can I be next?’ and ‘What does Monica have that I don’t?'”

“Speaking of the weather… I see global warming is finally giving the Midwest a bunch of shovel-ready jobs — hee, hee, hee!”

“That’s how I know the tax deal’s going to get done this week — because Obama’s vacation in Hawaii starts. If Michelle didn’t want to be late to the Christmas party, I know damn well she’s not going to want to be late getting to Hawaii.”

“I hear all these people talk about how neat they think fame is and I see all of these people who crave it and want it, and I say to them, ‘You really don’t, not for the sake of it.'”

“I’m going to go out and see if I can buy a miniature coffin and send it to Tony because I’m going to bury his team — the New York Jets — this season. Snerdley says, ‘That’s cold.’ Tony in Tampa, I’m just kidding.”

“I’ve posted a really cute picture of me and my dog Abbey on Facebook. I had to sit the dog down and have a heart-to-heart — she keeps attackingthe TV when she sees Obama on there.”

“Have you heard of this organization out there called No Labels? Yeah, it was started by three political consultants and a bunch of wussy conservatives and wussy liberals have signed onto it.”

“What was it about what Democrats were doing that propelled the Republicans to victory? Spending, indebtedness, growing government, active executive… all of the stuff that the brains and the intelligentsia on our side said the American people wanted.”

“Remember: I live in Literalville, so symbolism doesn’t always do it for me. I need to know the facts about things.”

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