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“As for me, go ahead, you libs — keep the mindless attacks coming. They haven’t stopped me so far, and they never will.”

“I could not believe that they canceled an NFL game because of a snow forecast, and Governor Ed Rendell, a liberal Democrat, started sounding like me. Where has Rendell been all of his life with this kind of attitude?”

“Guess what, ladies and gentlemen? January 12th, as many of you now know by heart, is my birthday, and House Republicans have set January 12th as their day to vote on a repeal of Obama’s health care law. Good.”

“We even have some Republicans talking about the brilliance of Michelle Obama’s food policy. When is the need to pander to these people going to end?”

“Some people thought it was insensitive of me to say that the birds died because they hit the debt ceiling. Well, let’s find out how many of the birds were females — they might’ve hit the glass ceiling.”

“People are asking the question: Could Obama actually be doing what he’s doing to the economy on purpose? It may sound crazy to ask the question, but it’s not crazy to ask the question — it’s late to ask the question.”

“Speaking of Greece, did you know this? Greece is going to build a giant wall on their border with Turkey to control immigration. Google it. You’ll probably get some Obamacarewebsite at first, but keep looking.”

“If the left had been successful, I’d be long gone. If all that was said about me over all these years was true, there wouldn’t be a penny spent in support of this program, folks, but it’s just the exact opposite.”

“Folks, I have to be wrong about some things, otherwise people are going to think I’m a witch. So I choose to be wrong about insignificant things like the Philadelphia Eagles, because it’s a strategy to make me look human.”

“The feedback that we’re getting on our iPhone app is as positive as anything we’ve done, short of the show itself being on. We’re really proud of it, folks.”

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