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“It’s embarrassing that people running for the presidency are less informed than I am on something that is as crucial as the global warming hoax.”

“I’m very proud of my brain, folks, I want to be very honest. And it offends me that a man running for the president of the United States knows 10% of what I know about this stuff. I’m not supposed to be smarter than the guy running for president, and neither are you.”

“I’m being asked if I knew poor people in Cape Girardeau. Let me think: I know I saw some… Yeah. Yeah, I did, as a matter of fact, now that I think about it.”

“I just saw a news crawl that said only 17% of West Virginia residents have a college education. Now, you know what the implication is: Hillary’s getting the stupid, rural, hick vote. And, of course, Obama doesn’t want the stupid, rural, hick vote, so that’s fine.”

“Who’s to say that right here, right now is the ideal temperature for this planet? What kind of vanity do we have, we human beings who are but mere specks of indistinguishable dust?”

“Some of the biggest tightwads I know are some of the wealthiest people I know. And, frankly, it’s funny to watch.”

“Ken, you mean to say Big Oil was working with Nixon and Reagan and Stephen King to wipe out John Lennon back in 1980, because they knew 24 years later we’d be in Iraq, and only John Lennon could stop it? Okay!”

“If you’re going to have some people over, if you have a barbecue planned, give Allen Brothers a try. And, folks, it’s American; it doesn’t come from China. Allen Brothers is delicious — better than you’ve ever tasted — and it is safe.”

“When the Reverend Jeremiah Wright finds out that 75% of blacks smoke menthol flavored cigarettes and that menthol is the only flavoring that’s not going to be banned, what do you think he’s going to charge? He’s going to say that this is a planned genocide. And would he be wrong?”

“Folks, I apologize for being such a sourpuss today, but I know it sounded good anyway. In fact, it was great.”

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