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“Folks, do we really want four or eight more years of being forced to chronicle all these Clinton lies, and the pathology behind it?”

“Snerdley just said, ‘You know Bill Clinton better than himself. Why would he want to go back to the White House?’ It’s power, baby. Besides, he won’t actually have to be in the White House; he will be all over the world — Hillary will make sure of that.”

“The one true and pure ideal this country was started with was the idea of freedom. It has been our North Star for decades upon decades; the vision that drove men to this country against all odds and still does today.”

“Did you see what happened to the stock market yesterday? 215-point uptick in the Dow Jones Industrial Average? As Fred Flintstone said, ‘Yabba Abu Dhabi!'”

“I have a poll here. ‘Question: Whose political endorsement would you more likely follow, Oprah or Barbara Streisand? Answer: Oprah, 60%, Streisand 10%.’ The other 30% laughed too long to offer an opinion.”

“It’s almost like these media guys, some of them, might actually feel a little dirty now. They covered up for Bill Clinton for eight years, and they know it — and now they feel like whores, like sluts.”

“What? Snerdley, you are warped. You are literally warped. Folks, you don’t want to know what we’re talking about here.”

“By the way, libs, take note: Mark is a Rush Baby, a Republican, an elected state representative in New Hampshire. This means that Rush Babies are of age to be elected officials. The wave of the future is slamming into your face.”

“Madonna’s been dyeing her sheep different colors — blue, pink, yellow — and animal rights activists are simply outraged. This is not harming the sheep at all! Sheep probably have a fashion sense, probably enjoy being a little individualistic there in the herd.”

“New York Times today: ‘Researchers have found that men with deeper voices have more children.’ What about Janet Reno and kids?”

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