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“If you think Mexicans in Mexico are Americans, then you think there are left-handed baseball bats.”
“The only thing cockroaches have over us is they could survive a nuclear assault. They’ll survive anything.”
“Every month we get these economic stories, and every month the experts have been taken by surprise. You would think responsible Drive-Bys would stop consulting these experts who were always wrong, but no! They love the imprimatur of negativity.”
“If you take Algore and Obama and the Breck Girl out of this, Hillary would trail the not-Hillary-three 34-51. There’s 51% of Democrat voters in these polls, if you add ’em up, who are not voting for Hillary.”
“I don’t carry anything less than 50s. I certainly don’t carry change. I never get change. I don’t take the change. I do not have a change drawer. I don’t have change in my car. I don’t go places where they give change. If that happens to me, if there’s a little bucket there at the checkout for some charitable society, I throw the change in there.”
“When you can’t issue passports in three months, how in the world are you going to background check 12 million illegal people in 24 hours?”
“Here we have Dingy Harry and Pelosi whose numbers are sinking fast, and all they’re doing is harassing the Bush administration.”
“Kansas City, Kansas, is a myth. Well, there is one, but nobody goes there.”
“Algore is the Fred Thompson of the Democrat presidential field. Everybody is just waiting for him to run.”
“You’re listening to the Rush Limbaugh program, which has the largest media audience in America today. Katie Couric drools and salivates over the size of this audience.”

“I just got my copy of the Cigar Aficionado with my pictures in it a couple days ago. They’re not bad.”
“Rahm Emanuel, Bill Bradley, Donna Shalala all admit and discuss how arrogant and inept and power mad Hillary Clinton is in these new books.”
“What in the world is it that recommends this woman to be president of the United States other than her last name?”
“Lindsey Grahamnesty said his job is to go to the Senate and work with Democrats to get things done.”
“This poor kid in Georgia that got ten years for consensual oral sex, this in the era of the Lewinsky-Clinton BJs!”
“Apparently this man had one pair of pants in his life that fit comfortably, one, and rather than go out and try to get a new pair fitted, he sued the drycleaner for ruining them.”
“I’m constantly working, constantly prepping this program even while performing the program.”
“I was just listening to ‘Lay, Lady, Lay’ by Bob Dylan in honor of the school teacher in Cleveland the 40-year-old who only got three days in jail for having a relationship with the 17-year-old football captain and getting knocked up.”
“Hillary’s the smartest woman in the world. She has all of this relevance and so forth and the biggest group of women that support her are the poor, stupid ones, which I think is a key to the Democrat Party’s longevity. Those are the kind of people that they can control.”
“I don’t know if you remember Suzanne Gunzburger. I will never forget Suzanne Gunzburger. During the Florida aftermath, the recount, she was examining every ballot for a chad. She’s a huge, huge, huge Democrat partisan.”
“So you have a hurricane coming in; these people from Broward want to get their press conferences covered front-to-back, beginning-to-end, so that they get this information — rescue information, preparation information, whatever — to the largest number of people live in Broward County, and they want to pull it off WIOD and go to some station with no signal whatsoever simply because conservatives are on it.”
“I interviewed Bob Novak yesterday. He’s seen it all, and he talked about how we’ve had silly politicians all throughout the nation’s history, and we’ve had bumbling fools running around as leaders and so forth, but the partisanship, he said, is as bad as he’s ever seen it in his 50 years.”
“We have an ’08 election coming up. Both parties think that if they do the right thing here they’re going to get these Hispanic voters. The Democrats know they’re going to get ’em. The Republicans pray they can get ’em by pandering to them by being like Democrats.”
“Most of the people on my side of this amnesty debate are concerned about the future of the country, demographically, electorally, culturally, institutions and traditions that made the country great. If there were evidence that these people were wanting to assimilate and become part of that, it would be a different story, but the evidence is to the contrary.”
“I submit to you that since Nixon and Reagan, there hasn’t been a Republican as berated, attacked, demeaned, impugned, and lied about as George W. Bush. No respect whatsoever has been offered.”
“My sponsors for the Nobel Peace Prize are seriously considering sending these three bites of Gore demanding we go to war against Saddam to the Nobel Committee. We don’t trust that they know how to use YouTube to see these.”

“The amendment to deport criminal illegal immigrants was offered by Senator John Cornyn (R-TX), and it was defeated.”
“We all know why the federal deficit is sharply lower, but I love the way the Associated Press and the reporter Martin Crutsinger report this. “The federal deficit is running sharply lower through the first eight months of this budget year as growth in revenues continues to outpace the growth in spending. The Treasury Department said that the deficit through May totaled $148.5 billion, down 34.6 percent from the same period a year ago.” Now, this is where it gets interesting: ‘analysts attributed this big increase to the fact that the Internal Revenue Service was more efficient in processing tax returns this year.'”
“A hurricane satellite could fail at any moment, fail at any moment — and we’re going to die because we won’t know exactly where the hurricanes are going!”

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“God is laughing at liberals. If he’s not crying, God is laughing at some of these people.”

“‘We have room but for one sole loyalty, and that is a loyalty to the American people.’ That was said by Teddy Roosevelt in 1907. Yeah, that guy was a nativist, a bigot, and a racist. And he hated Latinos. Obviously.”

“As you know, ladies and gentlemen, some of my all-time favorite news stories are those that contain the word ‘Dubai.’ And if the news story also contains the words ‘ports deal,’ well, then I’m close to nirvana.”

“The Wall Street Journal says that the Dubai government is near a deal to buy Barneys in New York. Barneys — yes! This means that if we continue to go buy suits at Barneys, the terrorists win.”

“By the way, I’ve never heard of the ‘Pave the Planet Foundation,’ but I might donate.”

“Well, there’s a civil war going on over there in Gaza between Hamas and Fatah; they’re killing these guys one by one in the street.The religion of peace on display.”

“‘Witnesses said the Hamas fighters dragged vanquished gunmen into the street and shot them to death, execution style.’ Well,you have to say at least they didn’t torture them. No Club Gitmo for these guys! Just — ‘Bang! You’re dead!'”

“These Democrats are just relentless. They’re like the Mafia: they’re patient. And if you end up in their crosshairs, it doesn’t matter if 15 years pass — they’re going to get you.”

“So we have Dingy Harry pronouncing Petraeus and Pace as incompetent, which leads me to say something. I’ve held this in long enough: I really suspect that these liberal tactics are damaging — maybe even killing — the morale of our troops.”

“Liberal babes are rare, and that’s why they stand out.”

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