“If you want to go the e-mail route, I do check it now and then. Put a sexy subject line in there and I might notice it. And if anybody puts ‘sexy subject line,’ I’m going to purposely ignore it.”
“President Clinton is a big fan of ’24.’ He told TV advertisers that his favorite show is the chick soap opera Grey’s Anatomy. He also likes Boston Legal. I have to tell you, I’m a little worried because these are three of my favorite shows. I know I used to make fun of Grey’s Anatomy, but you get hooked on it.”
“Look at the current Republican field, and it’s like the buffet at Denny’s: There’s a little something that you like about everything, but you don’t want the whole thing.”
“A programming note here, ladies and gentlemen. We may not, even though I sort of committed to it, get to the incredibly boring and dull Chuck Hagel sound bites. Remain calm out there. Do not do anything drastic.”
“AP story: ‘Researchers in a giant panda reserve in China are looking for paper mills to process their surplus of fiber-rich panda excrement into high-quality paper.’ My hope is that one day the New York Times decides to print its daily edition on paper made from panda poop. Then I can say, ‘The New York Times? I don’t read that crap!'”
“I’m not going to tell you what every meal is here on my diet, and no, I’m not going to post the menu on the website. Somebody will do it and they’ll die, and I’ll get sued.”
“I can’t figure out what the political upside for Chuck Hagel is when he talks about how the president could be impeachable. And I’m one of the brainiest political analysts out there!”
“Today on The View Rosie O’Donnell discussed the Iranian seizure, and she gave out false information implying that this may be a hoax so as to provide the president with an excuse to go to war. You know, Rosie O’Donnell is no different than the most embarrassing wacko caller we can imagine here.”
“The 12th imam is holed up in a well. Honest to God. Honest, folks: the 12th imam’s holed up in a well and can’t get out until the terrifying end days. No, Snerdley, it’s not an oil well.”