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“The American people do not want defeat. The American people do not want to cut-and-run. The American people want to kick the crap out of the enemy and get out of there.”
“How long is it going to be before we are told that embryonic stem cell research may hold the clues to solving global warming?”
“The liberals do not care that this resolution feeds the propaganda mill of the enemy. They don’t care that General Petraeus has said it will demoralize the troops. This is all about playing politics with the troops. And this is something that continually needs hammering.”
“The American people are sick and tired, I maintain, of Democrats talking about how victory is impossible. We’re the United States of America! The idea that we can’t win is just anathema and offensive to the majority of Americans.”
“Nobody will convince me otherwise of this: liberals in this country rejoice at military failure. Any time the military fails they can say, ‘See! That’s not the way to do this! Diplomacy!'”
“‘A conservative version of Islam’? Would somebody tell me what is conservative about a bunch of people that want to blow themselves up and claim victory?”
“Kevin Feederline? Or Federline? How do you pronounce this guy’s last name? I know it’s K-Fed, but is it Federline? Is that how he pronounces it? He’s the John Kerry of pop culture.”
“Ha, ha, ha! ‘What’s so funny about it, Mr. Limbaugh?’ What’s so funny about it is: just eat what you want and die when you’re going to. It’s going to happen to all of us. I mean, people have been eating bacon and eggs for breakfast their whole lives.”
“The best and loudest message you can send to any of these cut-and-run Republicans is to not send them any money. And when they send you solicitations for money, send it back with a picture of your rear end on it.”
“‘Having fun at a dream job’ was cited by 39% of workers as important, with 17% saying ‘making a difference in society’ was most important. Thank God it’s only 17%. Hitler made a difference.”

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“Mrs. Bill Clinton had a town meeting today on Good Morning America. I was watching this, and it was on high definition. And I’m saying to myself, ‘Mrs. Clinton, stay away from HD.'”

“If you want to go the e-mail route, I do check it now and then. Put a sexy subject line in there and I might notice it. And if anybody puts ‘sexy subject line,’ I’m going to purposely ignore it.”

“President Clinton is a big fan of ’24.’ He told TV advertisers that his favorite show is the chick soap opera Grey’s Anatomy. He also likes Boston Legal. I have to tell you, I’m a little worried because these are three of my favorite shows. I know I used to make fun of Grey’s Anatomy, but you get hooked on it.”

“Look at the current Republican field, and it’s like the buffet at Denny’s: There’s a little something that you like about everything, but you don’t want the whole thing.”

“A programming note here, ladies and gentlemen. We may not, even though I sort of committed to it, get to the incredibly boring and dull Chuck Hagel sound bites. Remain calm out there. Do not do anything drastic.”

“AP story: ‘Researchers in a giant panda reserve in China are looking for paper mills to process their surplus of fiber-rich panda excrement into high quality paper.’ My hope is that one day the New York Times decides to print its daily edition on paper madefrom panda poop. Then I can say, ‘The New York Times? I don’t read that crap!'”

“I’m not going to tell you what every meal is here on my diet, and no, I’m not going to post the menu on the website. Somebody will do it and they’ll die, and I’ll get sued.”

“I can’t figure out what the political upside for Chuck Hagel is when he talks about how the president could be impeachable. And I’m one of the brainiest political analysts out there!”

“Today on The View Rosie O’Donnell discussed the Iranian seizure, and she gave out false information implying that this may be a hoax so as to provide the president with an excuse to go to war. You know, Rosie O’Donnell is no different than the most embarrassing wacko caller we can imagine here.”

“The 12th imam is holed up in a well. Honest to God. Honest, folks: the 12th imam’s holed up in a well and can’t get out until the terrifying end days. No, Snerdley, it’s not an oil well.”

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“By virtue of consensus, I am America’s most accurate media figure. People who disagree are Rush Deniers.”

“Well, goody, goody. Yeah, we’re going to run the foreign policy of the US on ‘hope.’ You are totally delusional, Madame Speaker. Do you think Bashir Assad has the slightest idea of dealing with you as the leader of this country? You are a pawn, and he recognizes it!”

“Does anybody think that 15 United States Marines would just sit there, allow themselves to be taken when they had not invaded Iranian waters, and in two days start apologizing on Iranian TV? No way. Semper fi. No way.”

“Anything you can do to make yourself feel better — such as buying one of those cockamamie light bulbs — you’ll do it. Everybody wants to feel good, everybody wants to matter, everybody wants to make a difference. Well, just remember: Hitler made a difference, too.”

“You would be surprised at the number of Americans whose only source of news is the nightly newscasts. Now, they’re primarily elderly; you can see that by looking at the commercials. I don’t mean forthis to sound funny (even though it is), but the commercials are for burial plots and Preparation H.”

“This segment is going to be short, and I apologize for that, folks. It’s not good to have such short segments, but in the midst of brilliant monologues, there’s no reason to cut them short.”

“I talked to my mother every day when I moved to New York. After awhile I said, ‘You know, Mom, I guess it was a pretty good day: half the country hates my guts again.’ She would laugh: ‘No, they don’t!’ And I said, ‘Well, maybe not half, but a decent number of them do.'”

“I don’t want to have conservatism redefined so that it fits the mold of a particular candidate who is not conservative. Conservatism is the key here, and somebody who could articulate it with vigor would own the country.”

“You people watching here on the Dittocam at RushLimbaugh.com may have seen this. I put a little polar bear doll in my microphone boom. It’s my effort to campaign for the Nobel Peace Prize, to indicate that I have compassion and understanding for the plight of the polar bears.”

“The Iraq war is in its forth year. Cite for me, from your memory, times where there was positive news out of Iraq or a story about the heroism and valor of United States troops.”

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“Something happens to Newt when he gets up there face-to-face with these libs. It’s almost like he gets star-struck.”

“The Democrats won’t have a dialogue with Fox reporters, they will not have a dialogue with the president, but they can’t wait to go meet with a murderous-thug, Islamofascist, state-sponsor-of-terrorisism: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.”

“I, of course, don’t have a spouse, but you can do it for me. You can go home and say, ‘Honey, I justheard the most amazing thing on the Rush Limbaugh show today: shopping is killing the planet.'”

“Pelosi does appear to be buffoonish, but I’ll tell you this: what she is doing is devious and dangerous and it is typical of Democrats. They are undermining the foreign policy of the United States when they are not constitutionally empowered to conduct affairs.”

“Well, poor old Rudy Giuliani: they asked him what a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk costs, and he didn’t know. What’s so funny in there? ‘Just ask the wife’? That’s a real sexist comment, Brian.”

“Reporters need to come up with a new question, such as: ‘What do you think one of Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits cost?’ It’s probably pretty cheap since she probably buys them by the gross. Don’t like that comment, Dawn? Ooh, I hit a nerve.”

“It’s a joke, except these people like Sheryl Crow and Laurie David are treated as though they’re Paul Revere. They’re riding across the country: ‘Global warming is coming — and it’s going to kill us!'”

“There’s a Drive-By Media scandal happening out there with Katie Couric’s ‘Notebook,’ and I guess it’s on the CBS website. I don’t think these things are part of the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric, but I haven’t watched it since last September. Good point, neither has anybody else.”

“H.R. just said, ‘At least CBS is improving; they didn’t forge Katie Couric’s essay.’ Ha, ha!Good one! ‘At least they didn’t forge it.’ No, they just plagiarized it. They’re moving up in the world.”

“Clich after clich after clich from Nancy Pelosi: ‘Let’s have dialogue.’ Any recent news stories, folks, where dialogue is solving the problem? Is there?”

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“Partisanship is when Democrats aren’t the only voices. Bipartisanship is when Republicans shut up and adopt the Democrat voice.”

“I am going to suggest here that Mr. Frank Coletta — at the powerhouse NBC affiliate in Providence, Rhode Island — resign. He was a 2001 Columbus Day grand marshal, and we all know about Columbus: he brought us racism, homophobia, smallpox… you could trace the beginnings of Halliburton back to Columbus’ arrival.”

“TV anchors do look alike. There’s a cookie-cutter formula; they all look like Ken dolls. Have you ever seen a bald anchor? You have to have at least a 13-inch part in your hair to get a Drive-By anchor job.”

“So it may well be that we misidentified the anchor who did the report on me. Cookie, you know, this would be easy for me to blame you, and a lesser boss would. But everybody can make a mistake — except me.”

“Now the Democrats are subpoenaing Condoleezza Rice! By the way, look at the trees that we are destroying –subpoenas are paper. And this is a supposed environmental crowd.”

“Whatever evolutions have taken place in this country, we have not reached the point where the US population en masse despises the US military, mocks its members, or has no respect for its family members. But the Democrats reached that point long ago.”

“Has the media ever told you how many of the enemy we’re killing? No. Why? It’s real simple: it would demonstrate our effectiveness.”

“Part and parcel of the liberal vision is to look out across the landscape andsee misery (otherwise there’s no reason for you to exist as a liberal). And then you have to blame other people for it.”

“The Senate as we speak is voting on defeat in Iraq; the House already has done so. I know you wonder why in the worldthere is no outrage from the American people about what the Democrats are doing, butthat’s what elections are for — just be patient.”

“Christmas stuff is only going to be on the big screen if Tim Allen is in it.”

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“Do you think Senator Lindsey Grahamnesty has noticed the problems in Senator McCain’s campaign?”

“I had the most unbelievable e-mail: ‘Rush, what does Lakoff rhyme with? I don’t get the joke.’ Needless to say, folks, I did not reply. If you don’t get it, go ask your mom. No, actually, don’t do that.”

“The biggest threat that we face right now, besides the ongoing threat of another attack, is the continuing collapse of any kind of manhood in the United States Senate.”

“Jack Murtha is like so many damn Democrats today — so eager to immediately believe the worst about the people you are supposed to love and support: the United States military.”

“What is this talk, Senator Kerry, that ‘terrorism was happening before Iraq’? Did you clear that with Cindy Sheehan? Did you clear that with Pelosi and Reid? You’re off the page here, Senator.”

“Jeff, you also are a slothful slob. You sit around in your cab all day driving along, eating all that junk and so forth, taking drugs to stay awake at night. But great to have you in the audience.”

“So the Democrats are going to go to the ‘gay debate’ on the Logo network. I didn’t even know there was such a network. Is it on DirecTV? I’ll have to check the listings.”

“I am not going to have any bureaucrat or company tell me how little or much toilet paper I can use! This stuff is getting out of hand. I’m close to profanity here.”

“Now you liberals say that the president isn’t doing a good enough job of explaining what’s at stake? How about September 11th, 2001? How about Madrid? How about London? What more does anybody need here?”

“So John Boehner called the anti-surge Republican senators ‘wimps.’ Nothing wrong with that — we like facts on this program.”

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“Your incredible loyalty to this program — we all appreciate it here more than you will ever know.”

“Boy, I’ll tell you, I would not want to be Pakistan’s president today, Pervez Musharraf. Poor guy wakes up today and learns that Barack Obama wants to invade his country.”

“I have a political aversion to blue jeans. I’m biased against them; I really am. They just are not comfortable! They make me feel like I’m wearing burlap.”

“In the 60s I looked at the people wearing tie-dyes, T-shirts, blue jeans — those long-haired, maggot-infested types and said, ‘That ain’t going to be me.'”

“I just saw this crawl on the Fox News Channel… In Jacksonville, Florida some 75-year-old guy claimed that a hooker held him hostage for two weeks. Wonder if she’s available next week. Ha! Dawn can’t believe I said that!”

“Would somebody explain to me why anybody ever listened to Louis Farrakhan?”

“Look at all of the names that George Bush has been called, all the things he’s been accused of. And what does he do? He ignores it and stays focused on his job. The Washington Post runs a little piece on Mrs. Clinton’s cleavage, and it’s, ‘Stop the presses!'”

“The news is reporting that emigration from the United States to Canada has increased dramatically, and that the people leaving are mostly liberals. Yes! They’re finally following through on their promises!”

“It’s hard not to take for granted the prosperity, the abundance, and the affluence that we have in this country. We have high expectations as a result of it, and we should: we’re the world leader.”

“Rush Limbaugh, #1 one among Pakistani cabdrivers in New York City. We own that market. They love this show.”

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“Liberals don’t think they hate the country. They actually think they love it, but they have a perverted view of patriotism.”

“To hell with just throwing Larry Craig under the bus! The Democrats are throwing the whole country under the bus! This naked, irrational, desperate move for power at all costs is just as unseemly as anything I can recall in politics.”

“Remember saccharin? ‘Ooh, it causes cancer! Get it off the market!’ That movement destroyed Tab — which deserved to be destroyed because that stuff was horrible.”

“At my first Super Bowl in person they said on the PA system that there was going to be a flyover of Navy jets. Then those jets flew over… I stood up and started pounding my buddy or the shoulder: ‘Damn it, Ed! How in the world can you be a Democrat after seeing that?'”

“Kathleen Willey says the manuscript for her book to be published in November has been stolen. As I’ve said countless times, where the Clintons are involved, there is no coincidence.”

“You liberal Seahawk fans need to get lives. Do you know how many NFL players I know love Democrats? It hasn’t destroyed my love for the game! I knew there was a reason your team lost to the Steelers in the Super Bowl.”

“President Bush said that he has accepted an invitation from president Hu Jintao to attend the 2008 summer Olympics in Beijing. Maybe while he’s there he can get Hu to help him find Norman Hsu.”

“As you know, I’m a nominee for the Nobel Peace Prize, and the winner of the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize will be announced in Oslo on October 12th. It is showdown time, ladies and gentlemen.”

“The president was in Anbar, which the Democrats said six months ago was proof we lost the war. I’m telling you, folks: if any of you ever vote for the Democrats with national security on the table, you deserve whatever lack of protection you get.”

“These liberals are becoming more and more incomprehensible. It’s not enough just to laugh at them now; something more is required…. like deportation or something.”

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“Clinton fundraising is not the ‘culture of corruption’ — it’s the definition of corruption.”

“Speaking of the Times, has anybody heard from, or about, Maureen Dowd in the last six months? I am worried. I don’t know, where is she? Is she still writing her column? How about everybody else on that page?”

“There’s a new French company willing to provide you would-be adulterers with custom-made excuses that help ‘take the danger of discovery out of cheating’. What? It’s a woman doing this, Dawn! This is not a bunch of guys! Man, I’m getting daggers from her!”

“Here’s a headline that tells you all you have to know about how the Petraeus hearings went on Monday and Tuesday: ‘Democrats Scramble for Iraq Strategy.'”

“I figured Mrs. Clinton was ahead, so far ahead, in the primary polling because of name recognition and other things, but I’ve had to revise this. After watching Barack Obama at these Petraeus hearings yesterday, I have to conclude he’s a big idiot.”

“The media keeps saying Mrs. Clinton ‘hasn’t made any mistakes on the campaign trail.’ Translation: ‘She hasn’t made any mistakes that we’re going to tell you about.'”

“How is it conceivable that the Clinton people didn’t know who Hsu was and his background? People do not make donations of that size for ideas. Somebody like him bundling money from people who don’t have it is expecting something in return.”

“I should just call you ‘wifey’, Claudia. You’ve just told me how smart I am, how much you agree with me, and how much you learn from me — but yet you call to tell me I’m wrong.”

“We had a couple people on the phones that wanted to explain to us how to weigh the female breasts. I said, ‘Come on! We need to move on with the serious stuff!’ But now I have scientists submitting to me PowerPoint presentations on how this could be done.”

“For those of you in the audience who are adulterers, we know you’re there, and you know who you are.”

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“Have you noticed how little news there is coming out of Iraq? That means there’s good news there, and the Drive-Bys are ignoring it.”

“A few short weeks ago Hillary said, ‘If President Bush won’t pull the troops out, I will.’ But then in the debate last night, she does her best impression of Jackie Gleason: ‘Humma, humma, humma, humma, humma.'”

“The election of 2008 is going to be about the Democrat nominee, whoever it is, because they’re all a bunch of big-government, tax-raising, freedom-threatening socialists.”

“I’m not going to be talked out of this: a liberal today is a liberal. If it doesn’t fit you, then stop being a liberal. Time you crossed the aisle. We have a home for you.”

“If you are a celebrity, pop culture icon, and you want to murder a woman, do it in LA — you can get away with it.”

“What are you laughing at in there? Do you think I’m getting all hot and bothered about something that’s not worth getting hot and bothered about, or are you two getting hot and bothered about something I don’t know about?”

“I wish I could find a way to get the half of my brain that I’m not using into your hands and up the intelligence level of the entire audience.”

“I understand that you liberals are just dejected today, heads hung low, knuckles scraping the sidewalk as you go toStarbucks.I’ve only been trying to help you libs, and what do I get for it? Insults.”

“Bill, you need more professional help than I can provide because you are suffering from Battered Liberal Syndrome. And you are in denial right now, and this is a risky, risky place.”

“Whenever Hillary doesn’t like the question or doesn’t want to answer it she does that witch laugh.”

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