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“We had record rainfall here yesterday. The parking garage is below street level and it had three feet of water in it. We were happy to see a Mercedes get ruined because we have class envy here.”
“I know I have a hearing problem, but doesn’t Maureen Dowd sound like Helen Thomas in that bite?”
“Snerdley, I’m getting a lot of e-mails with questions about your conduct last night during the flood and its aftermath here at our building. One wanted to know what time of night did you go up to the room and start shooting helicopters.”
“The Congressional Black Caucus has lodged a complaint to Nancy Pelosi saying there aren’t enough African-American staffers in Congress on the Democrat side. The Republicans have plenty of African-American staffers. They’re cool.”
“I do a lot of things to irritate the libs, and they work.”
“I once bought Susan Brownmiller’s book on rape for a feminist. I was trying to get to first base. I never got out of the batter’s box. Her loss.?
?The Constitution’s purpose is to limit the power of the federal government, including the courts. It is a document of specific enumerated powers between the branches, including the judicial branch.?
?I think there’s a large misunderstanding when people say, ?I have rights! I have my rights!? People throw that around and they don’t even know what they’re talking about.?
?Most people do not get nearly all there is to get out of life, and that’s sad, but it’s also quite normal. I’m not talking about any specific activity. It’s more a mind-set, more a constant contentment with occasional joy at just being alive and having the opportunity to maximize.?
?Judges have risen to such positions of prominence in this country that nobody dares take them on. It’s gotten to the point now where Sandra Day O’Connor, late of the Iraq Surrender Group, by the way, is actually out making speeches saying judges ought not be criticized. Well, they’re just a branch of government, Madam Justice, and they’re not protected and they’re not insulated. You’re not royalty.?

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“Bipartisanship to Democrats is the way feminists deal with men: ‘You must change.'”
“Bill Cowher has resigned as head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers; he’s now into his third minute of thanking people. The best thing about this is that, at this point in time, he has not cried. Oh, no! I can see it coming: the eyes are getting moist. Oh, don’t do it! Don’t!”
“Everybody knows that Terry McAuliffe will die one day of anal poisoning because he’s so close to Bill and Hillary Clinton.”
“You know what people want to see? They want to see us killing the enemy! They want the enemy dead! Hell’s bells, folks: when you go to a war movie and the enemy gets blown away, you applaud! Some of you may even cry in joy.”
“‘Young women in Sweden, Germany, and Australia have a new cause: they want men to sit down while urinating.’ This is where feminism has taken us, folks. I kid you not.”
“You never hear a guy complaining that his wife left the toilet seat down or up — whatever it is. It’s not a concern for me anyway; I have my own toilet.”
“Presidents from this day forward are going to have to factor in 24/7 media coverage of the war in their war planning, and part of that is providing pictures of their good news — and good news includes killing the enemy. Sorry; that may sound brutal, but it’s war.”
“What happened to the real anti-war left? Most of them are just aging and sitting there taking Pepto-Bismol and Prep H while watching Katie Couric.”
“The Oprah is The Oprah, and she can squash anybody she wants to. All people can do is grovel and suck up to The Oprah. I mean, do you think Donald Trump would ever call The Oprah a fat slob?”
“Believe me, the throat is not the only orifice that Democrats want to get in. You have to guard every entry and exit point in your body because if they can find one, they’ll exploit all of them.”

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“We keep our fingers crossed that at some point in time the American people will recognize the angry, enraged, classless brutes that these Democrats have come to be in politics.”
“Nothing could get as low as the statement from the San Francisco treat, Barbara Boxer — the mouth that shall live in infamy. If no children disqualifies Condoleezza Rice from making policy, does no brains, no class, and no taste disqualify Barbara Boxer?”
“How can you even describe this kind of thinking by Barbara Boxer? Here you have a rich white chick with a huge big mouth trying to lynch — diss — an African-American woman right before Martin Luther King Day by hitting her below the ovaries.”
“I totally agree with you that we should call the feminized male population of this country the ‘new castrati.’ As an Amazon, you understand what that means. By the way, she called herself that, folks, if you’re just tuning in.”
“I want to be like Barbara Boxer and say, ‘Wait a minute — I don’t have any kids. Why are you taxing me to pay for education? I’m not burdening the education system!'”
“The All American First Cavalry Amazon Battalion is a division of women who are — at the time of combat — in the middle of PMS. It has nothing to do with size. It has to do with just turning them into banshees for the purposes of combat.”
“I moved to Florida when I learned there was no state income tax here. People told me, ‘You are greedy and you are selfish!’ I said, ‘Really? I think I’m pretty smart.’ I mean, why is it okay to shop for deals at Wal-Mart at Christmastime but not okay for shop for deals in taxes?”
“If you get a bike and you’re saving the planet, saving the country, helping emissions, getting in better shape and your wife likes herself in Spandex, it’s a win-win, right?”
“For every birthday that I’ve been hosting this program, I’ve sent out strict orders: ‘Don’t do anything. No cake. Nothing.’ And they always do it! So I’m just going to say thank you, rather than deny you the pleasure of giving me such a small cake.”
“What kind of cake is this? Yellow cake with white icing? My favorite: white trash cake.”

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“My question is, if there’s nothing we can do to stop global warming, then how in the world could we be responsible for it? Simple common sense!”
“There is a cultural problem in the NFL that has resulted in a total lack of class on the part of professional players. I love the game of football, but after every sack players are acting like they’ve won the Super Bowl; they’re prancing around with these idiotic dances.”
“Apparently, we had a cell phone call, and the guy calling was going to say I’m classless and obnoxious. Was that the basic point? I love those compliments from the left.”
“Have you heard what Schwarzenegger is saying about his plan to raise taxes in California? He’s calling it a ‘loan.’ To call a tax increase a loan, as though it’s going to be paid back? To whom and by whom? Something’s happened to Arnold, folks. I don’t know what it is, but Snerdley is shouting, ‘Maria, Maria!'”
“Now Arnold Schwarzenegger is ‘open’ to the idea of a ban on spanking? Do you realize how many times my dad would have gone to jail if we’d have lived in California? My mother, too!”
“You think that crimes that have never been committed haven’t been prosecuted? I’ll tell you, they have: Patrick Fitzgerald. There’s no crime, but there’s a prosecution and there’s a trial. Don’t kid yourself that it doesn’t happen.”
“Well, that makes sense: send your kid around with bad hygiene. That’s a really good punishment. That’s like rubbing your dog’s nose in its own poop to house-break it.”
“Okay, the spanking bill in California. California could become the first state in the nation to explicitly ban parents from spanking. What’s this going to do to San Francisco, where spanking is a way of life?”
“You’re going to Washington? You might want to go to Fort Marcy Park — see if you get out alive. The Lincoln Bedroom would be nice, but unfortunately you need an invitation to get in there during this administration. Wait until the next Democrat president; you can buy your way in for a hundred grand.”
“Look, let me put it to you this way: the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons. There, I said it.”

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“War is not something you put on a timetable. You don’t say, ‘We’re going to start at this date and we’re going to quit on this date no matter what happens.’ War is something where you have an objective called victory, and you keep going until you get it.”
“This program makes more sense in five seconds than anything else people could possibly listen to. You know what you’ll hear on NPR in five seconds? ‘Hm-hm. Hm-hm. Hm-hm. Hm-hm.'”
“There’s a guy in Germany by the name of Henryk Broder, and he has written a book: ‘Hurray! We’re capitulating!’ You know, when the Germans start calling us a bunch of wimps and wusses, that tells me things have gotten pretty bad.”
“How many of our troops died in Iraq last year? If your answer to the question was more than 1,000, you have been manipulated. If you answered more than 4,000, you probably subscribe to the New York Times and have gone beyond being brainwashed.”
“Global warming ‘a greater threat’ than weapons of mass destruction and nuclear weapons? Something as ridiculously stupid, arrogant, and elitist as that ought to disqualify anything else Hanx Blix says about anything. I mean, even you people in Rio Linda can understand this one.”
“I hear libs say, ‘It’s not just American troop deaths — look at all the Iraqis that are dying.’ You don’t care about the Iraqis! You were fine and hunky-dory with them dying as long as Saddam Hussein was killing them! You didn’t want to lift a finger about that!”
“All this hysteria over whether Barack Obama went to a Muslim school or not when he was a young tyke… He’s saying no, he’s a devout Christian. But if Islam is a religion of peace, why be so defensive about being a Muslim?”
“By the way, Vince Flynn’s a hunk. He’s one of these sculpted, Steve Canyon kind of military guys. But I’ll tell Vince that you don’t care about him being a hunk, and that it’s his words that matter to you. He will appreciate that.”
“I was just watching Dingy Harry Reid here, and he was whining and moaning about $350 billion in tax cuts for the minimum wage bill. He said, ‘This two dollars an hour increase in minimum wage — this is important! People could use that money to go buy health care!’ I about made a mess in my pants.”
“My life is fulfilling. I’m not wallowing in misery thinking that everybody else thinks I’m a dork, because I know I’m a dork.”

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“Yes, folks: I picked the Bears. It makes no sense, I understand, but I like to be different and I just have a feeling about this. But more than anything, I want it to be a great game. So good luck to both teams.”
“You know, this is just like when your cat goes to its litter box. When’s the last time your cat was stranded in its litter box? It’s just like when your pit bull attacks and kills the neighbor’s baby horse. I mean, these things happen. It’s called nature.”
“Football ignoramuses do not irk me unless they’re watching the game with me — which they don’t do because I don’t invite them. If one sneaks in with another guest, I set them up with Oprah reruns in a far-off room so they can’t bother the rest of us.”
“Listen to this: ‘The closing prayer at the DNC winter meeting was given by an imam whose closing line was a prayer for peace and the end of the occupation.’ Ha, ha, ha! ‘Rush, how can you laugh at that?’ I don’t know! Everything today that these people are doing is amusing me!”
“I don’t believe that a loving God would create a being like you or me who could conceive of such a place as paradise or heaven if it weren’t true. That would be an ultimate act of cruelty.”
“Try this headline: ‘Russia to Analyze Yellow-Orange Snow in Siberia.’ What do you bet it’s just bear urine? Everybody is out there just looking for a disaster because of global warming; they’re just looking for some sign that the apocalypse is here. But it’s bear pee.”
“I like to think about this Super Bowl as the ‘first ever:’ we have the first Super Bowl with two black coaches and he first with both coaches being close friends. This is also the first Super Bowl to occur when I have been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.”
“Okay — if you have kids with you, turn off the radio. Five, four, three, two, one: not only do I not believe that women don’t know what ‘check your manhood’ means, I firmly believe they are the ones doing it to find out if it exists. Okay, turn the radio back up.”
“We’re going to have to rev up the entire merchandise line now that I’m a Nobel Peace Prize nominee. We’re going to have to make t-shirts with pictures of me on the Nobel Peace Prize underneath the phrase, ‘Give peace a chance.'”
“Statistically speaking, we’re going to have a certain percentage of stupid people in this country — and the more of them that call here on the left, the happier I am.”

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“If any of you in this audience are going to believe this global warming stuff, I want you to leave this show. I can’t deal with this. I don’t want you here.”
“Have you heard about this island the Iranians plan on building that is going to be man-free so Muslim women can do what they want to do without any men around? The question is, how are the light bulbs going to get changed and the lawns mowed?”
“So the Senate Democrats want to be able to tell our troops who they can shoot at. The Constitution will not permit this, they are not the commander-in-chief, but what does it all add up to? They want defeat because they own it.”
“If the Brits leave Basra, ‘Oh, my God; Basra’s going to go to hell in a hand basket!’ Yet if we leave — according to Murtha and the Democrats — Al-Qaeda’s going to pack up their tents and their mosques or whatever and go back to wherever. Has anybody even noticed this contradiction?”
“Cheney was remarkably reserved in this answer. Had it been me, I would have been dumbstruck for about three seconds. I would also have had the most perplexed look on my face and said, ‘I can’t believe you just asked me that! Now neophyte are you?'”
“I’m just assuming she’s a Democrat. May not be; I don’t know. I can’t tell by looking. Could go either way on this. You can generally spot a liberal when you look at one, but in this case it’s a little tough to tell. I guess she’s a Republican.”
“I never heard anybody talking about Nancy Pelosi’s pantsuits. I have heard people talking about Hillary’s pantsuits, but I’ve not heard anybody talking about Pelosi’s pantsuits. And I couldn’t care less about her pantsuits. I just hope she wears something.”
“As much as the UN is exaggerating the global warming threat to the planet, Algore is exaggerating it 14 times as much as they are. So if Algore gets an Oscar this weekend, the Oscar ought to be 1/14th the size of a real Oscar; something you can steal from the Kodak Theater without anyone noticing.”
“‘The Sydney, Australia-based Easy Being Green Foundation says that it will mitigate your cat’s flatulent contribution to global warming for eight Australian dollars.’ The cat. Your cat farts can be fixed for eight bucks in Australia.”
“We know that we are constantly stolen from on this program but there’s simply no way to stop it. In fact, we look at it as flattery when we are purloined, ripped off, and stolen from.”

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“We, the little people, are about to be hosed again while the elite continue their lifestyles with righteous indignation for all that do not worship at the feet of the Earth Mother Gaia.”

“I wonder if there is serious mental instability and perhaps potential suicides waiting to occur on the kook-fringe left. George Soros has recently purchased two million shares of Halliburton stock. You have to wonder what the little nerds at MoveOn.org are doing today.”
“Charlton Heston called here one day and asked to read a chapter from Jurassic Park on the air, and, you know, when Moses calls you and is really passionate about something and wants to read the tablets to you, you get out of the way and let him do it.”
“I just love the effect this new nuke is going to have on these little limp-wristed, linguini-spined socialists on the left. They’re going to be in utter panic over this, and I am honored to bring this happy news of a brand-new nuclear weapon to you via the EIB Network.”
“There’s hardly any evidence at all that Gore’s money is going to purchase carbon offsets. And even if it was, that’s a scam! Planting trees? You know, putting corks in the tailpipes of cows to block the break of gas… ‘farts,’ for those of you in Rio Linda.”
“If you get turned down because of ideology, you get turned down because of ideology. But don’t go into something with this negative attitude that you have to sell your soul. Don’t sell your soul. Be who you are. Let your work speak for itself. If it’s good, somebody will find you.”
“Did you know that your husband was a commie before you married him? You know, love is blind. What? He’s a liberal and he works? Well, you just keep adding cherries to the top of this ice cream cone!”
“I have a piece somewhere that talks about the Millennial Generation and their desire to make every aspect of their lives public with MySpace and YouTube. They’re starting to get hammered even more than the Baby Boomers got hammered — and that’s saying something.”
“Wall Street Journal headline: ‘House Democrats Set to Retreat From Effort to Cap Troop Levels.’ If I were writing headlines today, they would read: ‘House Democrats Cut-and-Run From Murtha.'”
“We can all go nuts every day pondering the notion of how many idiots in this country buy hook, line, and sinker what’s in the Drive-By Media, but you have to take solace and comfort in the fact that they are a minority. And that they’re idiots.”

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“Mitch McConnell took to the Senate floor yesterday to expose the Democrats for the clowns that they are. He knows he’s the most powerful man in the Senate.”
“I’m not in a good mood today, folks; I just want to warn you about this. Have you seen the latest news from Forbes magazine? 153 new billionaires — a grand total now of 946 billionaires — and I’m not one of them.”
“John Kerry said, ‘We must never forget the importance of going after the terrorists before they strike.’ Ha, ha! Do you know what that’s called? That’s called preemption! So it’s like a ‘sha-zam!’ here.”
“We have words that are so heinous that they have been all but banned by the left. The N-word, the F-word before Ann Coulter, the F-word after Ann Coulter… but the real unmentionable is the R-word: Rush. Try that in leftist circles and see what happens.”
“Where is Bush? He’s in Brazil? Well, they do produce some pretty good-looking models. It’s their number one export: underweight, size-zero models. That’s about it.”
“Are you ready, ladies and gentlemen, for Hagelmania? I’m not joking. I’m actually asking if people are ready for Hagelmania.”
“By the way, there’s a new New Republic with Barack Obama on the cover, and he doesn’t look pretty in this caricature. It really emphasizes those Dumbo ears.”
“Senators are not executives; they’re basically delegators. They have staff to do all the reading and all the writing for them. If something tough comes up, they just give it to the staff: ‘I’m busy! I’m in Vegas! Don’t you understand, sailor?'”
“That’s what it says here: ‘No white man can understand the experience a woman has to go through to move ahead.’ Wait — I’m going to blow my nose. What an appropriate time to have to do this, too.”
“People say that political rhetoric and incivility has reached new lows and so forth, and I’m thinking I’m probably responsible for that. I think I have created the kook left. I think I have driven them insane.”

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“There was one name that, suspiciously, did not come up today so far in these hearings, and that name is Richard Armitage. Armitage is the leaker!”
“It’s only going to be 69 degrees here on Sunday. We’re going to have to break out the polar bear coats! I bought one the other day; I have a dinner party I have to go to tonight. It’s a nice white thing. It looks like what Joe Namath used to wear when he wore the white mink.”
“The one big question that I have, ladies and gentlemen, to Valerie Plame is this: If you were covert, then why in the world didn’t Fitzgerald prosecute on that basis?”
“Valerie Plame made it a point in her opening statement to say, ‘My covert status was not widely known on the Georgetown cocktail circuit.’ Was not widely known? Does that mean it was narrowly known? Partially known? I would think that if you’re a covert CIA agent, no one would know.”
“Valerie Plame is saying, ‘I’m always going to be covert, Congressman! I’m always going to be covert.’ ‘No, you’re not. You’ve been outed.’ ‘I don’t care! I’m still covert! I want to be covert, got it? I’m going to be covert or I’ll call Mrs. Clinton with her testicle lockbox!'”
“I’ve exhausted my in-depth analysis of the Valerie Plame appearance before the House committee today, but I have to tell you something: After all is said and done, I, frankly, don’t care. This woman is a babe.”
“Open Line Friday is what it is, but we don’t allow kooks. If you’re going to talk about 9/11 being an inside job and start agreeing with Rosie O’Donnell, I would suggest rehab and treatment. Like Rosie, you probably have some really deep issues from your childhood that need to be resolved.”
“I know it’s legal to eat horse meat in Europe, but I did not know there was a proposed ban on slaughtering horses to send the meat overseas. Is that because we need them for the glue?”
“I think that cats have to be smarter than dogs. There’s no other possible conclusion. Cats have staff; dogs have masters. There’s no such thing as a seeing-eye cat. They don’t care. You get run over by a car, it’s your problem.”
“I do live responsibly and I don’t pollute. I turn off the lights at night. How many lights in the house do I have? I only leave a hundred of them on — something like that.”

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“My life is mental exercise.”

“So I guess there’s no public consensus on global warming. I would have to say that I am having a profound effect on this. Well, you can sit in there and smirk, Dawn, but I don’t know of anybody else who has been sounding the warning clarion about this as often and as loudly as have I.”

“Bill Clinton was at a fund-raiser at a gym. The women had to cover up their skimpy clothes in deference to Clinton. Now, do you think Hillary’s hand might have been behind this?”

“I believe leftists are the true racists. I believe they’re the ones that look at people and notice whatever is different about them from white liberals. Either they’re black or they’re gay or they’re Hispanic or whatever. And yet, we conservatives are the ones who get tarred and feathered with these allegations.”

“What about the seasoned citizens out there who have to eat dog food because they can’t eat real food and pay for their medicine? How many seasoned citizens have gotten sick eating rat-poisoned tainted pet food? I’m just saying — there’s no panic about the adults eating this stuff.”

“I’m on the cutting edge. If you listen to this program, you’ll know what’s relevant before it becomes relevant. I know these liberals, too, like every square inch of my shrinking — but still glorious — naked body.”

“If you are Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton, how do you now attack John Edwards? Well, it’s not a problem for Hillary; Clinton, Inc. will find a way. But for Barack it’s going to be a challenge. Maybe he can use some Irish tips on this.”

“Another question is, ‘How do you plan on keeping the weight off?’ I don’t! I’m not under any illusion I’m going to keep the weight off. My goal here is to lose enough weight that it’s going to take three to four years to gain it back rather than one so I can look forward to three or four years of fun.”

“People say, ‘Rush, don’t worry about it. This bill’s never going to become law.’ You don’t think this sends a message to our enemies around the world, folks? You don’t think it tells the Iranians something? It tells them: ‘Do whatever you can to get Democrats elected.'”

“Snerdley, sit down! The show is not over! My gosh, everybody wants to get out of here early on Friday! Okay, now it’s time to go.”

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“Real Americans hate losing. This country didn’t get to be what it is with that kind of attitude.”

“Another letter supposedly written by the female hostage in Iran has been released. She makes a point (I find this hilarious) of saying that she and her 14 fellow hostages are being treated royally– ‘unlike the way we treated prisoners at Abu Ghraib’ Ha, ha! The Iranians are spouting Ted Kennedy talking points!”

“The New York Post said that Al Sharpton and Clinton recently enjoyed cigars together in Clinton’s Harlem office. Sharpton said, ‘I don’t think he even smokes cigars anymore since his bypass.’ Well, I’m sure he still does other things with them; it’s Bill Clinton that we’re talking about.”

“Dawn is not here, folks — she’s gone on a little trip — and so Wendy is here. She’s one of these incandescent or compact fluorescent freaks and brought in four or five of them demanding we switch all of our bulbs. But I dealt with that earlier, no sweat.”

“I don’t know who else the Media Research Center going to be able to give this William F. Buckley Award for Media Excellence to after I got it — who else is going to qualify? Just kidding.”

“Al Gore has been over there lobbying for himself for the Nobel Prize, and I’m doing this the dignified way by letting my rsum, merits, achievements, accomplishments, and devotion to liberty, freedom, and peace speak for itself.”

“Male bearsdon’t eat their own cubs, but they eat other cubs because when a mother is nursing she cannot be in heat — and all the male bears care about is sex. So they eat the cubs to stop the mom from nursing. It’s the Bill Clinton effect in the bear world.”

“Be careful about what? Snerdley’s warning me to be careful. You think I’m on the verge of getting in trouble again? You think I’ll get in trouble with women? Well, what’s new about that? I’ve been in trouble with women my whole life!”

“I’m just going to tell you up front — the premise of your question is that, somewhere in the mix, we can’t win. Well, we are the United States of America. We never lose unless we defeat ourselves. That so many Americans are absorbed with the concept of us losing is repugnant to me and makes me sick.”

“Henry Waxman is an evil hack.”

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“You said you only want to lose 15 or 20 pounds? Hell, I used to be able to do that going to the bathroom.”

“Why in the world isitthat every time the public demands for somebody to resign in Washington, it’s always a Republican? Let me tell you who ought to resign right now in disgrace: Benedict Arnold Harry Reid.”

“Everybody is out there demanding Gonzales’ head. I mean, look at Janet Reno. Talk about an incompetent boob of an attorney general! And her incompetence actually cost lives! But nobody on our side said she ought to go.”

“You remember the movie When Harry Met Sally? How about an adaptation — When Harry Met Alec? One attacks his family, the other attacks his country.”

“We just got a call from Alan in Troy, Texas, and he was in tears. He said he can’t afford to give money this year, but he’s going to put his name on the bone marrow transplant list and told Snerdley to tell me, ‘Thank you.’ So I decided I’m going to add $10,000 to my $300,000 total in the name of Alan from Troy, Texas.”

“Bone marrow transplants were pioneered by Leukemia and Lymphoma Society researchers. Do you know what a bone marrow transplant is? It’s actually an adult stem cell transplant! So we’ve been supporting the only stem cell therapy to date that works!”

“You know, on this day, even money from our liberal listeners is appreciated.”

“I ended up on a road that had one of those green signs and it said, ‘Rio Linda.’ So I drove through town and saw houses right off the main drag — some of them had two cars jacked up on concrete blocks and washing machines out on the front porch. And I said, ‘Oh, this is cool.'”

“The classes I hated in school… I found ways to disrupt them. Wait untilI tell you what I did in my shop class! Oh, I’ve never admitted this! Ooh, ha, ha!”

“I always hear how people want to make a difference: ‘I want to make the world a better place.’ This Cure-A-Thon is a real way to do that. You’ll never meet the people you’re helping but, believe me, you’ll have their gratitude.”

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“Look at this Democrat press conference — debate — as the first audition for Mrs. Clinton’s vice presidential candidate.”

“The Saudis have arrested over 170 suspected terrorists who had a plot against their oil fields. Well, how did they get to these guys? Did they violate the Fourth Amendment? The UN charter? The Geneva Conventions? And, of course, if they used torture on them, we may have to let these people go.”

“The people who write immediate history are people who hate Bush. But when we’re all gone, the history of what has been attempted here in Iraq will be written and Bush is going to be credited with sticking to it with a great vision.”

“In Philadelphia they’ve shut down psychics and fortunetellers. I guess the psychics didn’t see it coming. Ha, ha! Sorry, that might be racist in some way; I don’t know. If it is, I apologize.”

“Snerdley, you are pathetic! ‘I can see your beauty through the phone.’ You are pathetic in there!”

“Why did John Edwards stumble and take 12 seconds to answer the question?And then he said, ‘I don’t think I can identify one person as my moral leader’? He was probably saying to himself, ‘What the hell is this question? We’re a bunch of liberals here and he’s asking us about morality?'”

“This country is so affluent and there’s so much economic opportunity here that it’s breath-taking — especially when you travel the world and see what genuine poverty and genuine economic depression is. This country is the Garden of Eden.”

“You might say that Mrs. Bill Clinton is the ‘Magic Caucasian.’ She just is! The views expressed by the host on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, or sponsors of this station.”

“The Democrats kept talking about how ‘the American people spoke in 2006.’ But what did they speak about? Let’s be honest. The Democrats won the Senate with one word: ‘Macaca.’ And they won the House with one dirty trick: the Foley scandal.”

“Of course Hillary will be the first multilingual president! Her husband was the first cunnilingual president — he was a very cunning guy.”

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“I am perfectly willing to admit when I don’t know something because it’s so infrequent. In fact,I think it humanizes me to admit that there are things I don’t know.”

“John McCain just didn’t measure up last night. He looked like he, you know, had a bunch of Red Bull before the debate started. He was really wired out there!”

“This Rush to Excellence appearance in Detroit may have been — in my estimation — the best one of these things in a very long time. The crowd was great — they were just enthused and energetic — and I fed off of that. It was just wonderful.”

“When I finish things like this speech last night, I sometimes say, ‘Why don’t you do them more often?’ Then I say to myself, ‘Because if I’m not doing them it must mean I don’t want to.'”

“We’re living in a media bubble here that just promotes this whole notion that ‘Bush lied;’ ‘Bush lied, say 56% of the American public.’ So what? We’re going to respect the opinion of a bunch of uninformed, ignorant people? Why?”

“You know what was funny? Chris Matthews had a little roundtable last night and he couldn’t figure out why Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers are falling. I’m shouting at the screen: ‘Have you people ever heard of the fact that she and her party want to lose in Iraq?'”

“The idea that conservatives are running around harboring all kinds of hate is absurd. In fact, it’s just the opposite:we love people. We love our country. We want it to maintain the greatness that we inherited.”

“Speaking of light bulbs, they got me a hotel suite yesterday and I’ll be damned if there wasn’t a compact fluorescent bulb in there. I thought about unscrewing the thing and just leaving it there as a calling card.”

“Here the Republicans were last night; they didn’t run away like the Democrats ran away from Fox — they were there and they took the questions. Presidents can’t be afraid of debate moderators, but Democrat presidents, apparently, can be.”

“Snerdley! Psst, psst! That’s it: I don’t want the rest of the show to be people telling me what’s wrong with Mormons.”

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“Don’t call me ‘mister,’ anymore. Call me Rush or whatever, just don’t call me ‘mister.'”

“They published a map to my defaced billboard, making it a cultural attraction.This billboard of me is going to end up being one of the top cultural sites in the city of Baltimore. The Orioles suck, so you have crab cakes, the inner harbor, and the Limbaugh billboard.”

“I’m going to say this one more time andthen I’m going to drop it: I do not hate women. You guys are just totally misunderstanding this. Perhaps to my detriment, it’s just the exact opposite. I’m always on the lookout for the next Mrs. Ex-Rush Limbaugh.”

“‘Fight the Power,’ by the Isley Brothers. My favorite Isley is Rudolph. Well, Ronald, too — he’s the lead singer. But Rudolph has the tambourines.”

“Wherever you’ve worked, you’ve been shafted. Everybody has. It makes you mad and you want to seek revenge; you want those people to pay for it. But if you just sit back and wait, those people eventually get theirs.”

“Ok, I made the list here, folks. My ideal woman: five foot seven, flat spot on top of the head. Deaf mute.The flat spot on the top of the head is for your drink. It’s a joke!”

“There was a woman sitting next to me at the dinner party last night who I had not met, and halfway through my speech she pinches my thigh! I stopped and told the table, ‘She just pinched my thigh and we’re not even married!'”

“If I ever get married again, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m just going to buy the woman a house and break up with her. That will be the end result anyway.”

“Memo to Republicans: Moderate or not, your voters don’t want you to sound like Democrats. They don’t want you to vote like Democrats. And they don’t want you to spend like Democrats.”

“I have to close the program with the famous last words uttered by poor Dawn today — the only woman amongst us here. She just said, ‘Some days it is just a struggle in here.’ And this has been one of those days.”

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“We’re going to turn this immigration bill into the next Dubai Ports Deal, folks. Get ready to get mobilized here.”

“At risk is a distinct and unique American culture. Immigrants used to want to become Americans. They didn’t want to become hyphenated-Americans. They didn’t come hereto Balkanize it. They came to be assimilated into society. There’s no discussion of that now.”

“Smooth Operator: that’s me. Actually, this is Sade singing. But she won’t be singing.”

“I saw a piece on Hillary Clinton’s website this week asking visitors to her site to choose her campaign song, and I thought: ‘Baby Got Back,’ by Sir Mix-A-Lot.”

“Who else can we confer illegal status on? How about bank robbers? Who else are we going to find breaking our laws that we feel so guilty about, that we confer legal status on them? Al-Qaeda?”

“Why do we have so many people in the welfare state now? Because it’s easier. Conservatism is hard. Self-reliance is a tough thing. If you become legal and then have access to all these benefits, why in the world take up the notion of hard work?”

“It’s time to be blunt here. The current crop of Republican leaders has not only lost the Congress, the current crop of Republican leaders is on its way to destroying the base.”

“What are you guys eating in there? It looks like cigars. You guys are taunting me by eating some of those candy cigars. Ha, ha, ha!”

“In Wyoming, some family found a condom in a glass of iced tea during aMother’s Day dinner. Did we not call this? We had a parody bit on this: ‘Safety Brew. The only beer with a condom in the bottle.’ Where do you think they got the idea to do this?From us.”

“Quick! Somebody find out what Tariq Aziz is doing so I look informed!”

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“Happy Memorial Day out there to everybody. Try for a brief moment over the weekend to remember what it’s really about.”

“We’ll have a ‘best of’ show on Monday. By the way, H.R., do you know which ‘best of’ show it is? February 20th’s? Oh, there have been better shows since February 20th! We’ve had a couple of kick-ass shows since then!”

“John Edwards said he went to the hedge fund to ‘learn about poverty.’ And I think he did learn something about it: avoid it. Ha, ha!”

“Somebody from the New York Times is listening to you right now, John, and they think that you don’t have your two front teeth, have four-week-old stubble, and are sitting there in a plaid shirt with your gun over your shoulder and a bottle of old crow next to you.”

“This is the theme from ‘The Young and The Restless,’ they tell me. I wear a cochlear implant, so these violins sound like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. Oh, my! Okay! That’s enough of it!”

“I’m reading something… Something about an illegal monkey. An illegal monkey immigrant. Hmm, I have to figure this out.”

“This is gut-wrenching! Heart-wrenching! How can this happen in the United States of America? How can Big Government take away a pet monkey like this?”

“There is a clear route to winning the Nobel peace prize: simply trash George W. Bush and the United States. That is how Jimmy Carter won his, and it’s why Al Gore will probably win this one.”

“A McCain aide said that ‘Barack Obama wouldn’t know the difference between RPG and a bong.’ Now, I know that those of you in Rio Linda know what a bong is, but youmay not know what a RPG is. It’s a rocket propelled grenade.”

“I have been corrected about something by an e-mailer, which means I might be wrong. And since that is so rare, I’m going to lead the next hour with it. I love doing things I don’t get to do much.”

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“The last real man in a television commercial I can remember is Mr. Clean. And what did he do? He cleaned the floor.”

“I had on my computer screen a DVD of the upcoming opening sketch for Sunday night’s 1/2 Hour News Hour, and I checked the e-mail during the break: ‘Rush, are you sitting there with pictures of naked women on your computer?’ No, they’re not naked — they’re scantily clad.”

“I think we need to come up with a new name for hurricane season. Hurricane season doesn’t cut it. I think we need to call it Terrorcane Season or Horrorcane Season, because that’s how it’s being marketed.”

“More and more men are not learning the fix-it-up stuff because women have been taking it over because it needs to get done. Of course, it makes them feel empowered that they can do it, too: ‘Look, I can find a garden hose and I know where to point it!'”

“This story says that the company ‘Pure Romance in Loveland, Ohio’ sells ‘spa products and sex toys at home parties attended by women. It also has 15,000 consultants.’ You know, I think we’ve gotten samples from this bunch over the years.”

“I just asked the staff: ‘I wonder how many people even know what bombastic means?’ Here’s the dictionary definition of bombastic: ‘Rush Limbaugh.'”

“I could imagine how these phone calls go: ‘Hi! I’m from the RNC. I just want to confirm your donation from last year. Can we put you down for $75?’ ‘No, you can’t put me down for anything.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Because of the immigration bill!'”

“Sometimes this stuff wears me out: ‘Rush! You’re wrong, you’re wrong! Cabo Wabo is not Van Halen’s bar, it’s Sammy Hagar’s!’ All right, fine! It’s Sammy Hagar’s place!”

“Newsflash: ‘General Motors bounced back from a weak April showing, reporting solid gains in US vehicle sales for May.’ Well, what did General Motors do in May that they weren’t doing in April and March and February? That’s right, Mr. Snerdley: they advertised on the EIB Network.”

“Wow. I don’t know what to say. That is so sweet. I wish my mother were alive to hear you say that. She was always so excited when anybody loved her little boy.”

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“The notion that people freely expressing their opinions on radio is a ‘problem’ should scare every one of us that loves liberty.”

“To be honest, I never had kids because I was not willing to make myself second. I was too focused on what I wanted to accomplish and achieve professionally. I think the kids I didn’t have are the luckiest non-kids ever.”

“This whole ‘carbon footprint’ thing is based on the hoax that CO2 is a pollutant. Well, if that’s true, then — pant, pant, pant! There: I have just polluted you three times.”

“It is astounding to me that the majority leader in the United States Senate would go after our top US commander in Iraq. Do you know what the grave sin that General Petraeus has committed is? He wants to win the war in Iraq.”

“Fine.If you think a desert’s beautiful, go live there. And I’ll hope Sally Struthers shows up with a tuna fish sandwich for you.”

“When I moved to Sacramento in 1984, I drove around town because I wanted to get familiar with the area. I came to this place called Rio Linda, and it was like going to the Twilight Zone: cars on concrete blocks infront yards, washing machines on the porch. I said, ‘Whoa, this place needs my help.'”

“Harry Reid is saying some of the most destructive, inaccurate, harmful things about true heroes in this country. My question is: Where the hell are the elected Republicans on this?”

“Do you think if these penguins knew about, let’s say, Antigua, that they wouldn’t get the hell out of the Antarctic and move there –except they’d die because it’s too hot?”

“I get a lot of e-mails that say, ‘There are a lot of Rush babies out there to whom you are a surrogate father.’ To which my reply is, ‘Don’t think that that entitles you to child support from me.'”

“Trent Lott said talk radio is ‘running the country.’ Well, there can only be one person he’s talking about, and if you’re listening to anybody other than me — it ain’t them.”

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“You know what the Democrat slogan ought to be? ‘We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.'”

“So it’s the big iPhone unveiling today… I’m a technogeek and I love having the latest stuff, but I don’t use the phone. The problem with having a phone around is that people will call you.”

“We have to talk about what’s going on in London. Of course, they’re saying ‘international elements’ are involved. That’s right, ‘international elements.’ We can’t bring ourselves to say what’s on everybody’s mind: this is the ‘religion of peace.'”

“Some people say we’ve probably gotten all the intelligence we could wring out of these guys at Club Gitmo, so why are we holding them?Because the war on terror goes on whether you want to admit it or not.”

“Joe Biden was at the debate last night telling blacks in the audience, ‘It is not unmanly to wear a condom.’ Can you imagine presidential candidates in the past talking about this? The standards are just sinking lower and lower.”

“I know why my cat lives with me — because she cannot open a can or a sack.”

“The thing that always amazes me is that — for however many number of years — the black community has been voting 90% for the Democrat presidential candidate, and yet every four years the Democrat presidential candidate talks about how rotten life is for the black community.”

“Here I am, the man ‘running America’ and an ‘untamed piece of the GOP message machine,’ airing for millions of Americanswhat theDemocrats said last night at their All-American Presidential Forum on PBS. Take that, those of you who are on the prowl for the Fairness Doctrine!”

“I appreciate that, and you are bringing tears to Mr. Snerdley’s eyes now. He’s a softy. He wells up in there.”

“There’s so much that happens on this program that is inspirational, upbeat, optimistic, and in good cheer, so it’s sort of fascinating to me that I can remain such a mystery to so many people after 19 years.”

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“If we lived in a sane political environment, that tape from Ayman al-Zawahiri would put the final nail in the coffin of the Democrat Party.”

“Tim, you need to speak to your dad in ways that he can relate to and understand. You tell him that the people that made the SUV made it to help other people. Tell him not to abort the SUV –the SUV deserves to have a parent.”

“My question is: How does this happen in a happy and loving gay marriage? Why would Jane hit Mary with a baseball bat? And if Jane’s going to hit Mary with a baseball bat, why go for the legs?”

“The new British prime minister is a man that’s obviously governing his country froma standpoint of fear. When you say, ‘We can’t identify these people as Muslims even though they’re shouting Allah Akbar when they blow themselves up,’ you know you’re with somebody who’s scared to death.”

“I went back to Snerdley’s office during the break, and one of his TVs had the Teletubbies on. I said, ‘Whatin the world are you doing watching the Teletubbies?’ He said, ‘That’s C-SPAN.'”

“This woman showed up on C-SPAN with a big T-shirt that said, ‘Well behaved women rarely make history.’ Ha! Where are those women? I want to meet them!”

“Look at that — there’s some dummkopf reporter on MSNBC in Las Vegas holding up one of those giant clock thermometers, pointing out how hot it is.It’s always hot this time of year, idiot! Sorry for being distracted.”

“So you’re calling here wanting to know why we don’t just buy Mexico? The bigger problem is that Mexico is going to end up buying California for nothing. In fact, we’re going to pay them to.”

“Super Bowl 1987. San Diego. Redskins and the Denver Broncos. I went to a Frank Sinatra concert the night before. I remember Sinatra went on and on and on: ‘I want to live forever.’ And why wouldn’t he? The guy was chairman of the board!”

“I just got an e-mail: ‘Rush, have you played with your iPhone?’ Of course I have! It’s a great little toy. Well, it’s more than a toy — it’s a great little thing.”

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“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the Lindsay Lohan of the Middle East. He just wants a little attention, some help.”

“Whatever the Democrats do, we have no choice but to defeat these people — the terrorists. That’s the clarion call that Winston Churchill kept trying to get the British people to understand, but the liberals of his day were just like the liberals of our day — they didn’t want to deal with it.”

“I met Gorbachev at George H. W. Bush’s 80th birthday party. Two pictures were taken, and in one of those pictures the birthmark ended up on my forehead. It was one of those big, big mysteries.”

“Psychotic illnesses, for those of you in Rio Linda, include schizophrenia and disorders with such symptoms as hallucinations or delusions. In other words: normal for you.”

“The opportunitieshave never beenbetter here in America, and they’re boundless. But you have to go get them. They’re not going to come knocking on your door because they feel sorry for you.”

“If you put it off, you’re only going to have to deal with it later — be it Hitler or be it Al-Qaeda or be it any enemy that you have. You just can’t wish bad people away.”

“All right, this is one of those times where if your young children are listening with you, you might want to turn the radio down. ‘The Japanese love technology so much that now even their sex toys are on the cutting edge.’ Wow, Snerdley! You’re looking jazzed in there!”

“Of course, a dog will do anything to protect its homestead and its master. But the cat would eat you if it were big enough.”

“The astronauts could just deny ever drinking: ‘I never had a drink with that woman, I never had a drink with myself. I just want to get back to work for the American people and fly my missions.’ They could also say, ‘Everybody does it — look at all the airline pilots.'”

“Every day in America is better than the day before. I’ve known this since I was ten — that’s why I always wanted to be older.”

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“By nature, wherever this program is not, life will suck. Because wherever this program is not, liberals will dominate and prevail.”

“You know, folks, I think it’s time for a new name for Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama. Until the way he’s being treated by the Drive-Bys changes, I’m going to start calling him ‘Barack O’McNabb.'”

“‘80% of voters believe that Hillary has the experience it takes to become president’? That’s stunning. 80% of the voters in this country are thus idiots.”

“Can somebody tell me the last time anybody got killed with a blank? When was the last — ooh, look at that pelican! That’s my favorite bird.”

“We’re going to send David Shuster some EIB golf shirts. Brian, put together a pack down there — make sure you get the ones with my signature on the left sleeve. Send them over so he, too, can see how it feels to wear a snob golf shirt.”

“I guess you’ve heard that Jenna Bush is getting married; we all love it when young people get that first start towards ruining their lives. I’m just kidding. Yes, I am. I’m just kidding.”

“I think I’m right on this. I usually am right when I think I’m right because I’m usually right even when I think I’m wrong.”

“Folks, you need to have an age-old attitude about this global warming stuff: ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you must be a scientist.'”

“Mary’s on hold — she’s giving Mr. Snerdley her address so that we can send her a replacement ‘Rush Babe on Board’ sign. By the way, Snerdley, do not ask for her phone number. Do not. He has that habit.”

“You’re never alone as long as you have EIB.”

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“The problem with the world is not America. The problem with the world is the lack of equal distribution of capitalism, and it’s just that simple.”

“Michelle Obama says that her husband does stink in the mornings. Did you see this? The kids can’t come over and get in bed with him because he stinks! So Joe Biden was wrong about him being clean. He’s still articulate, of course.”

“Did you know that the Breck Girl — John Edwards — has never been to Iraq? I know why — can you imagine the effect of the climate over there on his hair? He’ll send his wife before he goes!”

“By the way, you know that recent thwarted Islamofascist plot to blow up our air bases in Germany? You know how we thwarted it? The spy program — intercepted phone calls. Gasp!”

“It seems you can have all kinds of deranged, insane, lunatic liberal political commentators on NBC’s Sunday night pre-game NFL show. My, how things change! The pioneers take the arrows, folks.”

“Anybody who bought one of the early iPhones is going to get a $100 credit at the Apple store. So now I have $4,000 in credits coming from the Apple store! I think I’m going to buy some more iPhones.”

“What do you bet that train Norman Hsu was on was headed to the Minneapolis airport?”

“John Kerry, who served in Vietnam, said that the new report on Iraqi security forces shows that the Bush administration’s Iraq policy is failing. I just love it, ladies and gentlemen, when losers declare us losers.”

“What happened in Philadelphia in 1776 was a miracle. Divine inspiration had to have been there. The principles may be bigger than the men who wrote them down, but they did write them.”

“The details of the Bin Laden tape have been released. Now, this is a hoot; folks, it is a liberal rant! He blames the US for global warming!”

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“I do not need lectures from liberals about supporting our troops. It is they who are undermining them every damn day — and they know it.”

“Norah O’Donnell asked H.R., ‘Would Rush ever do an interview with me?’ H.R. said, ‘Probably not — in general, he doesn’t do interviews with anybody — but it would help to have a large audience.’ Ha! Way to go, H.R.!”

“The reason this smear does not work, ladies and gentlemen, is because I have a 19-and-a-half-year record on this program of being one of the most devoted supporters of US military personnel that there is.”

“I have to go to take a profit center time-out where we charge $20,000 a minute, and I would rather do that than listen to you, Rod.”

“I want to read you an e-mail I got last night: ‘Dear Rush: You have ruined my life as a liberal Democrat. No longer am I a fun-loving hipster that waits for government action. You make too much sense.'”

“Can you believe that John Kerry has the audacity to ask me to apologize for something I didn’t say — after his record of bashing and criticizing and demoralizing the troops? This is laughable. And I’m throwing it right back in their face!”

“I want to thank Media Matters for America for making it so easy, ladies and gentlemen, to show how a real conspiracy works — not the phony-baloney, ‘vast right-wing conspiracy’.”

“I have never seen The Family Guy; I don’t watch cartoons. I haven’t seen The Simpsons, either, in a long, long time. Nothing against those shows, it’s just that cartoons — for me — are for eight-year-olds.”

“Dawn keeps talking about the thing that she likes the most about our new GM car: the heads-up display of the speedometer on the windshield so you don’t have to look down at the dashboard. Dawn’s been known to have a lead foot at times.”

“I was distraught during the Clinton years, too, but I managed to laugh. I figured, if I can laugh while distraught, everybody else could.”

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“The Democrats aren’t running against Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani, or Mitt Romney. The Democrats are running against me.”

“By the way, what was John Edwards’s draft number? And where the hell did he serve? And show me where he’s been such a big supporter of victory on behalf of the US military? You can’t, Mrs. Edwards! He’s part of the cabal trying to secure defeat.”

“Bruce Springsteen, you’re a miniature target in this ‘patriotism’ fight, pal. Until the floor of the Senate is turned over to the subject of your lack of patriotism, grow up and deal with it like a man!”

“To Rosalinda out there in Seymour, Indiana: Since you named your dog ‘Mr. Limbaugh’, please do me and yourself a favor. When you call the vet, please do not say, ‘Hi, I need to bring Mr. Limbaugh in to be wormed.'”

“The moment I opened my eyes this morning, Punkin was looking right at me — her head on the pillow, her eyes wide open. She’s never done that before. My heart melted. I wish somebody had been there to take a picture.”

“Other than for entertainment, I do not waste my time with liberal blogs — that’s what the staff is for. I tell them, ‘You look at the insane websites out there.’ And they get duty pay for this, hazard duty.”

“Have you ever wondered why liberals care more about recycling cans than they do about defeating terrorist enemies? You can go nuts trying to answer the question!”

“Even while on vacation, my staff sends stuff in, because everybody loves the program and is just devoted to it. And that’s largely because of me, as boss. Everybody wants to be part of a winner.”

“So you liberals want to make me your No. 1 target? Go ahead. I have body armor; I’m wearing it right now. None of your attacks are going to contain anything legitimate, and, as such, they’re just going to bounce right back into your mouth and you’re going to end up choking on it.”

“Think about it: Soybean burgers — how in the world do the soybeans ‘bleed’? Come on! You’re a soy expert, Snerdley!”

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“The Nobel committee has officially rendered themselves a pure, 100 percent joke.”

“Try this from AP: ‘As the world’s top condom experts convene this week…’ Condom experts? ‘Hey, little Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?’ ‘Mommy, mommy! I want to be an expert on condoms!’ ‘Really, little Johnny?'”

“What a night in Philadelphia it was last night! The first time I have ever seen brotherly love in Philadelphia, and it was directed at me. And, of course, I gave it back to the audience.”

“If there has ever been an engine for peace in the world, it is the United States military. So I call on Albert Arnold Algore to redirect his Nobel Peace Prize to genuine agents of peace.”

“Much the same way as the Nobel Prize gave credence to Jimmy Carter’s anti-Semitism and Yasser Arafat’s ‘peace’ campaign, Algore now has that same credibility for the ‘religion’ of global warming.”

“Algore’s problem is that when he starts campaigning he sighs, and then he hires Naomi Wolf to dress him up in earth tones. And, you know, nobody likes him.”

“Former vice president Walter Mondull is planning to endorse Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. That’s a good thing? A loser endorsing Mrs. Clinton? It’s a fait accompli.”

“I could tell by the audience reaction that it was going well last night. I felt good; only had five drinks before I went out. Just kidding! You can’t say these things anymore with all these watchdogs out there.”

“Here we are, discussing the size of excrement on a cartoon show in the context of congenital heart disease. Snerdley, did she tell you she was going to mention this? We’ve become Lennie Bruce!”

“Who’s worse — Hillary Clinton or Al Gore? The distinction is not that great; we’re talking socialists here. Either one of them would be a disaster.”

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“Suddenly, Democrats are back to ‘politics stops at the water’s edge,’ in preparation for shielding an Obama administration from criticism.”

“Jim Nantz is a professional sports announcer, and his job is to keep himself out of what he’s covering, and he does that better than anybody else.”

“About 1979 or ’80, Howard Cosell came in with ABC to Kansas City when I was working for the Royals to do a game. I got my courage up and went down there, and I told him I had met him in Pittsburgh. His first reaction was Howard Cosell: ‘How dare you interrupt me when I’m in the middle of this preparation for this broadcast! You expect me to remember you from Pittsburgh?’ and then he totally changed, after I’m sitting there quaking in my boots, ‘Of course I remember. How are you? Nice to see you.'”

“Who are the neoconservatives? Well, the neocons are ex-Democrats who moved into the Republican Party with Ronald Reagan. ‘We’re not Reagan conservatives. We’re neoconservatives. We’re smarter than Reagan.’ Now they’ve made enough progress in having the media brand them as the face of serious conservatism, and they’re out there feeling their oats.”

“Ants that have ingested dry grits exploding in front of your very eyes. Wouldn’t you love to be outside and see that happen?”

“Marx wouldn’t permit a neo-Marxism nor would liberalism permit a neoliberalism.”

“Democrats are not trying to be our friends. They’re not trying to show us that they’re reasonable. They are advancing an agenda, and we’re not, from our pseudo-conservative media to elevated levels of our Republican Party.”

“HD DVD didn’t quite make it. Blu-ray did. And that’s going to speed the whole process of people getting into that market. You can thank also me for that because I chose Blu-ray early on and have every Blu-ray disc — other than the stupid little, you know, how to dance stuff out there.”

“Barack Obama would not only meet with terrorists, he has one as a good friend: William Ayers. Obama is a flat-out liar, a manipulator of words and of events. He thinks he is above criticism because he thinks he is so special.”

“I’m off for a charity golf trip, and will be gone Monday and Tuesday. Jason Lewis will be here Monday, and Mark Davis on Tuesday. I’ll be back Wednesday. Have a great weekend.”

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“Obama is a statist. He’s an authoritarian. He doesn’t want to govern; he wants to rule.”

“A time-honored Obama technique is go ahead and say something that’s correct and then ‘but, on the other hand,’ which then equates what comes next with what he said first.”

“I love the Israelis. Obama yesterday, in his outreach of love speech at Cairo University, admonished the Israelis to stop building settlements on the West Bank. So the Israelis responded today by increasing their construction of what they’re now calling ‘Obama huts.'”

“Goldman Sachs is predicting that by the end of the year oil will be at $85 a barrel by the end of the year. Today it spiked at over $70 a barrel. So if — and I mean IF, capital I, capital F — there is any recovery, despite Obama’s policies, $85-a-barrel gasoline is going to wipe it out.”

“A time-honored Obama technique is to go ahead and say something that’s correct and then ‘But, on the other hand,’ which then equates what comes next with what he said first.”

“My friends, the plot thickens. One of Sonia Sotomayor’s best friends says that Sonia Sotomayor is ‘open’ on the question of abortion and would follow the law. Hmm.”

“Most Americans don’t want to believe that their president intends to benefit from the country being harmed. It won’t work. People will not be able to put their arms around that. Average Americans who are not political junkies will not be able to grasp that.”

“Obama’s voters have a cult-like attachment, emotional attachment to him. You wonder if even devastating personal economic circumstances will wake ’em up. This is the big question.”

“This is too rich. Howard Dean has been appointed as chairman of the Progressive Book Club, and he says that his next battle ‘will be to beat the conservative book industry.’ There is no conservative book industry. We just outsell liberals because we’re better writers and it’s more interesting stuff. This is going to be every bit as successful as Air America was.”

“Obama makes the visit to Buchenwald all about him and his family. It’s just narcissistic. And he compares himself, of course, to FDR.”

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“Letterman has just sunk to a shadow of himself. He used to be genuinely creative and funny back in his NBC days, but he has now just degenerated into an angry old man, filled with cynicism, not humor. It’s a sad thing to see, actually, because he was so good at one point and apolitical.”

“Barack Obama is destroying health care. He is destroying the American private sector. He is destroying the solvency of the United States government. And none of this is remarked upon.”

“If the Iranian mullahs replace one puppet with another in their so-called election, it will have nothing to do with Obama. Zilch, zero, nada.”

“Obama is all of a sudden now interested in paygo, right? We gotta pay for it as we go, we can’t do any more deficit spending. Fine, if that’s the case why not stop the rest of the stimulus spending? So far, only three-to-five percent has been spent. It will never happen. He doesn’t care what he’s spending; he doesn’t give a rat’s rear end.”

“What’s going to be the new travel slogan for Bermuda: ‘Hot babes and jihadists’?”

“I had a lot of e-mails today from people who are all excited that the government’s finally gotten a hold of the tobacco industry and they’re going to reduce the amount of nicotine in every cigarette. People are very happy about this; reduce health care costs, all the usual rigmarole. Be careful, folks, what you ask for.”

“This presidential election in Iran and having a ‘president’ is a buffer for the mullahs. It is to create an image to the world that there is some sort of freedom of choice in terms of the leadership in Iran, when we know there is not.”

“Obama has an ego and a narcissistic complex about himself that can only be described as unhealthy and dangerous.”

“I’m telling you firing an inspector general, because they’re not political, is a much bigger deal than replacing United States attorneys.”

“What does the government do to industries it gets control of? It runs them into the ground, it destroys them. And the danger of running the tobacco industry into the ground is it’s one of the greatest sources of tax revenue for the federal government and states.”

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“Under this administration, our pursuit of happiness is grounded to a complete halt and it’s been replaced with a pursuit of survival.”

“Obama looks out across this country as a giant pot of gold. He can go get it — from here, there — and he thinks that somehow it’s going to be magically replaced once he grabs it.”

“You can’t compete with an entity that does not have to make a profit — and that is the United States government.”

“They call this the Waxman-Markey bill but they should call it the Madoff-Waxman-Markey bill. Put Madoff’s name in this bill because it’s a con game. It promises what it cannot deliver.”

“A lot of members of Congress who vote for this thing regardless of where it goes have seen their last days in Congress in front of them.”

“This bill is not about climate change. It’s not about improving the environment. It’s not about anything but raising taxes and taking away people’s freedom.”

“Most Americans are not happy with the state of affairs in Washington. In fact, most are outraged and are frightened.”

“It’s amazing. Every time you go back and consult Founding Fathers, you find that their wisdom was timeless. Their ability to foresee the future was incomparable.”

“Economic security is the role of the private sector. Economic security is the role of the individual. Economic security is the role of a person born with liberty exercising that liberty to secure whatever he can for himself and his family in life.”

“Our personal liberty is not for sale and it’s not up for a vote. It’s our birthright.”

“Congressman Goodlatte’s office called us. He says he’s voting no on this climate bill and was always going to vote no, and he doesn’t understand how somebody in his office told that caller we had that he was undecided. So there. I’m glad to get that straight.”

RUSH: Kathy in Bloomington, Illinois, you’re on Open Line Friday. Hi.

CALLER: Merry Christmas and to all your listeners as well.

RUSH: Thank you very much.

CALLER: I was wondering if you thought there might be a chance that the ACLU would step in and stop the terrorists from coming to Illinois. After all, it’s going to be pure torture for them coming from the tropical island to the sub degree weather here in Illinois.

RUSH: I think the ACLU is busy finding them all lawyers.

CALLER: (laughing) Well, I don’t want them in Illinois, but in all fairness I think we should take them because, after all, we sent most of our criminals to Washington this year, so we’re short criminals here.

RUSH: (laughing) Excuse me. That is hilarious. You sent most of your criminals — you did! Axelrod.

CALLER: We did.

RUSH: — Rahm Emanuel, Obama, Valerie Jarrett, all those clowns.

CALLER: I know. I know. We’re short. I don’t want terrorists here, but in all fairness we should take them.

RUSH: It is interesting that Dick Durbin is running around acting like this is the single biggest achievement that he has ever made or accomplished for you in Illinois.

CALLER: I just think the whole world has lost their minds. I don’t understand where the common sense is.

RUSH: There isn’t any. See? That’s what you have to understand when you’re looking for common sense you’re not going to find it on the left. You’re going to find lies. I mean they’re out there saying, 3,000 jobs, that’s what matters here. And people are worried about terrorists escaping and Durbin says, ‘There’s no way these guys are ever going to escape, no way.’ It’s like prison breaks never happened. I don’t know. It’s fascinating. I think all this, all of this stuff that they’re doing, they have no idea how it’s being perceived out in the country.

This is Ann in Houston, and great to have you with us on Open Line Friday. Hi.

CALLER: Hi, Rush. Oh, we’re a homeschool family, and you are a part of the curriculum.

RUSH: Very wise. Thank you very much.

CALLER: Yes. My husband is a doctor, and he has seen the cost of drugs dramatically increase over the last year. And he’s seen this both personally, drugs he takes, and professionally, and he thinks that the drug companies are being allowed to do this as a part of the deal they made with Obama to cover what they will be contributing to go his health care plan. And this increase that patients are now paying, of course it’s just really a hidden tax, and, Rush, I want to also say, for the sake of our country, I would like to see your listening audience double or triple. And I have five ideas how to do that. The first idea is to make available to your listeners bumper stickers that say, ‘Join Rush 740 AM, 11 to 2.’ We would sell those to all of the listening areas around the country, and I would like a job with you to execute my ideas. And may I come interview for a job?

RUSH: What’s your second idea?

CALLER: Okay, I’ve got five, but this is number six.

RUSH: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

CALLER: We know kids are being brainwashed in our schools —

RUSH: Hold it, hold it, hold it.

CALLER: Oh, yeah. Yes?

RUSH: You got five ideas and this is number six?


RUSH: And you want to work for me?

CALLER: Because I want to do two, three, four, and five personally, with you.

RUSH: All right.

CALLER: But number six is the most important.

RUSH: But there’s only five.

CALLER: Oh, this is number six, I’m sorry. We know our kids are being brainwashed in our schools and, Rush, we need to start a camp for advanced conservative studies. It will be your legacy. It would be for children from seventh to the ninth grade, and we would wash their little brains in the morning, and then they would have the fun activities in the afternoon. And who would come to this camp? The children and grandchildren of your 20 million listeners. I’m a school teacher. And we would teach things I’m teaching right now, Henry Hazlitt’s Economics in One Lesson to five of my grandchildren. And then we would teach the Federalist Papers, and who would be doing the teaching? Folks like Michelle Malkin, your substitutes, the other talk show radio hosts would be thrilled to come do a morning. What do you think, Rush? May I come interview?

RUSH: (laughing)

CALLER: You don’t know what I’ve gone through to get this — and I’m unemployed. And I want to be employed with you.

RUSH: Well, I admire on your entrepreneurism here.


RUSH: I really do. I’m going to have a talk with Snerdley after the program today.


RUSH: But I could not possibly bring you in for an interview until I decide whether or not I want to implement all of your plans.


RUSH: Well, ’cause what you’ve just told me essentially is I’m not working hard enough.

CALLER: No. People are lazy. They don’t necessarily know when you’re on. We’re going to make it easy with these bumper stickers. You see, what people would do, they would mail their two dollars, we have to charge them so that the liberals don’t deplete the supply, and they would mail in with a little — I can do the whole thing. I can do it in Houston. See, I can do it whole deal.

RUSH: Well —

CALLER: I’ll have stacks. I’ve run for office, Rush. So I know how to mass produce. I was the Republican nominee for state rep a few years ago. And I’m also a developer, I drive a tractor, I have six kids, I can do it.

RUSH: You have six kids and six questions.

CALLER: I have six children and six grandchildren.

RUSH: That’s six questions and 12 kids.


RUSH: At any rate, look, I love your thought on this. I love the desire that you have here to expand the audience exponentially as you have. And I’ll think about it. People pepper me with ideas constantly on other things that I could do or should do and I’ll throw yours into the hopper along with everybody else’s. I thank you for the call out there, Ann, and all the best to you. Thanks again for your call. It’s Open Line Friday, folks. This a great example of whatever you want to talk about is fair game on Open Line Friday. If I don’t care about it, I’ll still talk about it and act like I do.


RUSH: Gary in Fairfax, Virginia. I’m glad you waited, sir. Nice to have you on the program.

CALLER: Mega Christmas and merry dittos, Rush.

RUSH: Thank you, sir, very much.

CALLER: All right. I’m calling about the big tent that moderates keep ordering conservative Republicans to make and the purity test they keep demanding, and I say that my tent is as big as the Constitution and that it’s the moderates who are demanding this purity test. Your 63% stat that you shared with us today is very revealing. I think about 63% of the country that moderates feel don’t belong in that tent. What they want is that we allow moderates in there who are going to start cutting holes in that tent —

RUSH: Wait. Hold it. Hold it. Wait a minute. You’ve been on hold a long time and people may not know what you’re talking about. There’s a new Battleground poll out that’s had the same result for eight years and that is that 63% of the American people identify themselves as conservative. Only 1% in this Battleground poll called themselves moderates.

CALLER: Exactly.

RUSH: But, see, it’s not the moderates who have been putting this stuff out, it’s the left, it’s the Democrats who have been saying that we need a big tent. Republicans are discriminating against people. It’s all about abortion. It’s all about the social issues. And of course the Republicans bought into this, we’ve gotta get that constituency to vote for us, gotta get that constituency to vote for us, we’ve gotta seek the moderates ’cause the moderates are holy ground and the moderates, we are told, if we make them mad and it’s easy to make them mad, all you have to do is criticize Democrats then the moderates will run away from you in droves, and so the Republicans dutifully play along, they don’t criticize because they don’t want to get the moderates mad, 1%! It seems to me we are the big tent.

CALLER: Yes, we are. We’re as big as the Constitution. That’s plenty big. And they keep demanding that we allow people at the table and to vote for us and represent us who want to keep cutting coals in that Constitution, you know, that the government should be running our lives and raising our taxes and taking away our freedom. And every time we raise our hand and say, ‘No, no, no, wait, wait, that’s not in the Constitution, they got no right to do it,’ we’re accused of having the purity test.

RUSH: Exactly right. Exactly right.

CALLER: By the way, Rush, I met a poster child moderate. It blew me away, but it defined them for me perfectly. Right after the election, this guy was proud of the fact that he went into the polling place not knowing who he was going to vote for.

RUSH: You’re kidding?

CALLER: And that defined it for me. They’re so proud of being open-minded that they’re standing in line and not ’til he actually pulled the lever did he know — and he never told me who he voted for. That’s a moderate.

RUSH: I don’t believe that for a friggin’ minute.

CALLER: Yeah, but he was proud of telling you that and telling me how closed-minded I was for knowing how to vote before I got there.

RUSH: Yeah, well, he just wanted you to know how smart he is and how unideological he is. He was making himself out to be a genuine mental midget while trying to make himself sound better than you.

CALLER: Well, their highest virtue is open-mindedness and they love pointing out how we conservatives are so closed-minded because we know what we believe. You’ve heard that all your life.

RUSH: Constantly.

CALLER: Yeah. Can I run one theory by you real quick?

RUSH: Sure.

CALLER: All right. It’s a little exaggeration, but I say there are no liberals in America, there are liars and people who have been lied to.

RUSH: (laughing) It fits. It fits if you understand that liberals lie. That’s why I suggested yesterday: For Harry Reid, you say ‘Harry Reid,’ comma, ‘Democrat-Nevada,’ or ‘D-NV. Change it to L: ‘Harry Reid (Liar-Nevada)’ Nancy Pelosi (L-California). Harry Reid (L-NV). Doesn’t matter. Barney Frank (Liar-Massachusetts). It works.


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