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“The Democrats are running against me. I don’t say this with ego; it just is what it is. I change minds, I change hearts. This is not permitted.”

“Now, let’s see if I understand this. In Chinatown, people who live in tenements are giving $1,000 and $2,000 in campaign contributions to Mrs. Clinton, but they can’t afford health care. Is that not just cute?”

“News flash here, folks: Al-Jazeera has announced that it will soon air another audiotape by Osama Bin Laden, which means more Democrat party talking points.”

“Snerdley is sending me a note, here: ‘Are you sure Bin Laden’s not going to be talking about phony soldiers?’ Ha! Would that not be great? ‘Bin Laden reads Media Matters for America, too.'”

“The Air Force did a flyover before the Dolphins game, F-15s. I tell you: every time I see and hear one of those, it’s just spine tingling.”

“With one hour to go, after 167 hours had gone by without comment, Senator Harry Reid — Democrat, Nevada — tried to horn in on the credit for our eBay auction. What a guy.”

“Libs say, ‘We have to stop punishing the Earth. It’s just so fragile, Mr. Limbaugh!’ No, it’s not! It’s going to outlast us and whatever we do to it. Ah, the vanity that some of the people on this planet have.”

“The press is never going to acknowledge that any aspect of conservatism works. They look at conservatism as an aberration, filled with a bunch of kook-weirdo-NASCAR types. You know, dunces like Ronald Reagan.”

“It’s interesting that a clinic for ‘STDs, hemorrhoids, and skin disease’ would be giving Mrs. Clinton campaign contributions. That’s more Bill’s style, but hey: two-for-one.”

“The way to look at this is not that the media isnot covering our eBay auction fairly — because we know that’s going to happen — but, ‘Look what we did without them.'”

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“Don’t doubt me. I say it, you believe it. That’s the rule.”

“Poll: 88% of Republicans prefer ‘Merry Christmas’ while only 57% of Democrats do. This is a national holiday, for crying out loud! I mean, does everything have to be political with these people? Yes, it does.”

“I actually think Tom Brokaw blew it when he titled his new book on the sixties and the Baby Boomers; he should have called it ‘The Lamest Generation.'”

“There’s something else about Tom Brokaw and all these other guys in the Drive-By Media… they’re just as jealous as they can be of me and a lot of other people. I, ladies and gentlemen, could buy Montana. Brokaw can only afford one ranch there.”

“Mary Matalin, I hate to correct you, but Hillary is not the ‘Energizer Bunny’; it’s Bill Clinton who took the licking and kept on ticking.”

“I’m going to admit here, without any shame, that I do not understand quantum theory. I tried to read Stephen Hawking’s book. Well, I did read Stephen Hawking’s book, but at some point I got lost.”

“It should be me in the Oval Office today with all the other Nobel Prize winners, but it wasn’t to be. But they cannot take my nomination away from me — that they can never do.”

“Be patient, Snerdley! Everything’s under control here! It always is! It’s our twentieth year here, and people still lack confidence that I know what I’m doing. You know, it’s a good thing I have thick skin.”

“All of these anti-war movies are failing big time. The Times and other Drive-By newspapers are also failing. Katie Couric is getting her butt handed to her every night. And we’re supposed to sit here and believe that the Democrats are a sure win in 2008?”

“We can’t see dark matter, but we know it’s there. Sort of like how Bill knows Hillary’s there even when she’s not.”

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“Which candidate is more capable of beating Republicans, Obama or Hillary? Neither. That’s the dirty little secret.”

“I just love this Mannheim Steamroller music. I love the holiday season. I like cold-weather football games, a lot of spitting snow and some sleet, and overcast, gray days… It’s so beautiful to look at when it’s 80 degrees outside where you live.”

“While everybody’s going on and on about how breathtaking and how unique this Oprah and Obama rally was, know full well that there have been larger ones attended by me and Bill Bennett.”

“I have no fear of women, but in Hillary’s case I have a huge fear of her policies and her utter, total demand to control American life as much as possible.”

“Toni Morrison — what is she, a playwright or something? Oh, an author. And a distant relative of yours, Mr. Snerdley? Toni Morrison? Congratulations, because you have separated nicely from her in a number of ways.”

“Nobody asks me my advice on personal things — nobody would dare.”

“Bill Moyers and all these people are upset that I refer to Mrs. Clinton’s ‘testicle lockbox.’ I feel very honored, by the way, to have forced that term on PBS.”

“Mrs. Clinton will remind men of their first two ex-wives, who they married for all the wrong reasons and then suffered through a couple of decades of psychological abuse and so forth for.”

“‘The New York Philharmonic plans to visit North Korea in February, the first US cultural visit to the reclusive country.’ I should also add that moves are afoot for the New York City Gay Men’s Chorus to tour Iran. Did I get you, Dawn? Did you think it was true? Ha!”

“What a way to start the week! I mean, what a heck of a show! Well, they’re all heck-of-a-shows.”

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“Once we get to the states where only Republicans can vote for other Republicans, it will be Thompson, Romney, and Giuliani in the contest.”

“The government of California wants to take over your thermostat, to be able to regulate the temperature in your house based on what they think it ought to be. You say, ‘Oh, Rush, that’s never going to happen.’ Well, who would’ve thought that a bunch of dingleberries would ban a lightbulb?”

“Have you noticed it’s Obama versus the Clintons? Two against one? I wonder how well Mrs. Clinton would hold up if the shoe was on the other foot… I think she’d cry and complain about the unfairness.”

“Mrs. Clinton is saying: ‘Obama, you can’t compare yourself to Dr. King, and you won’t be able to until you’ve marched, organized, and been gassed and then been beaten. And we, the Clintons, might take you up on it.'”

“All these things that the Democrats have said over the years about quotas and affirmative action and discrimination and all that… if they really meant it, Hillary Clinton would stand aside and say, ‘Senator Obama, it is your turn.'”

“I have a new name, by the way, for these independents and moderates: I call them ‘Jell-Os’. You know who you are: you are shaky, you are transparent, and you can be filled up with marshmallows and processed.”

“Both McCain and Huckabee are actively seeking support from non-Republicans. If I didn’t know better, I’d say some of these candidates have some sort of grudge against the Republican Party and are trying to harm it.”

“What happens if either of these two guys — McCain or Huckabee — happen to win, attracting the votes of independents, moderates, Jell-Os, and the Democrats? Does that not equal the demise of the Republican Party?”

“I can say with relative confidence that Martin Luther King would be outraged to see what has become of the black family today. He would be outraged to see what has become of the Democrat Party and the way it is pandering and treating black voters.”

“I’ll tell you, all four football games this week were just so damn much fun to watch. What a great birthday present for me on Saturday and Sunday!”

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“In the police report, Spitzer was ‘Client 9’ in some prostitution ring. Why are all these Democrats getting phone calls at three in the morning?”

“You people out there in the Democrat Party and the Drive-By Media? You’re just going to have to understandthat while the Republican Party might sit around and grab the ankles for you, we here are not. We are warriors on this program.”

“The headline says it all: ‘Clinton’ — ha ha, sorry, I can’t keep a straight face doing this, hee, hee — ‘Clinton Camp Says Obama Must Pass National Security Threshold to be Vice President.’ Is thisjust notchutzpah?”

“I don’t say this out of ego, folks, and I don’t say this out of anything other than an objective analysis: The Drive-Bys are talking more about me in this campaign than they are about Senator McCain.”

“Mrs. Clinton has 49% negatives and Obama has no experience. You put that ticket up there, and I hate to say it, but Senator McCain can run rings around both those people on issues that matter to the American people.”

“The bottom line is: This is political warfare. This is not beanbag, and it’s not Civics 101. And if we don’t watch it, we’re going to allow the Democrat Party to totally corrupt our party while we sit around with ‘integrity’ and let it happen.”

“You moderate Republicans — you haven’t the slightest idea how to win elections! You don’t even understand how it is that our own nomination process was corrupted! Thank God for me.”

“I wish to issue an apology to Hillary Clinton for suggesting that she should be on top as it’s a position she’s familiar with. I have learned my lesson. From now on, I will singularly advocate that Mrs. Clinton always be on the bottom.”

“This Spitzer thing is a personal matter! It’s about sex, and it has nothing to do with the way he’s governed. I’m sorry, folks; I don’t think I’m pulling this off. I’m just trying to use all the Clinton arguments here back during the Lewinsky days.”

“When you tell the truth about the Democrats, that’s when they come out of the caves with their fangs bared.”

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“Obama facilitated evil in order to protect abortion on demand. That much was not above his pay grade.”

“Clarence Thomas — here’s a guy who went to Yale and Holy Cross, who spent a year on the DC Circuit Court of Appeals, who worked as an assistant attorney general, and Obama is… what? A street agitator who claims that Clarence Thomas is unqualified? Obama could not shine Clarence Thomas’ shoes.”

“So the Obama camp is spreading disinformation about McCain hearing the debate. It’s priceless. We have this little man-child, The Messiah, with this deeply ingrained sense of entitlement, and when it doesn’t go his way it’s just cry-in-the-sandbox time.”

“The media is saying Obama’s answer on abortion was ‘nuanced’. This was not ‘nuance’! Nuance implies brilliance and intellect. This wasn’t nuance; this was avoidance.”

“Everybody’s starting to whisper that if Obama has any prayer of winning, he has to choose Hillary. But if he chooses Hillary, he’s going to have to have somebody taste his food every day and start his car for him.”

“One of the things that I have noticed about journalists ever since they started covering me was that they would write things like, ‘Limbaugh claims to have an audience of X-million.’ I’m not claiming it! It’s right there! The proof is in the ratings!”

“I refuse to believe that Obama has actually thought about Clarence Thomas. I don’t think he thinks enough about these judges because he doesn’t have enough time — he’s always thinking about himself.”

“What you saw Saturday night was a tremendous distinction. You saw one guy who has a lifetime of core values versus another guy with a lifetime of no values — they just shift depending on what the wind is doing that day.”

“I don’t think Obama is himself the embodiment of evil; I think he’s just stupid — I really do. I just think that he is dangerously ignorant and incompetent and he could lead to circumstances where evil triumphs all over the world because he doesn’t see it.”

“One of this nation’s greatest moral failures, undeniably, was slavery. But you want to know something? One of our greatest moral accomplishments was ending it.”

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“I had a dream that I was a slave building a sphinx in the desert. It looked like Obama.”

“See, what really bugged the media was when I called him Barack Nifong; they’ll always tell you when you hit the bull’s-eye. They were so busy worrying about Barack Nifong that they didn’t hear me call him Barack Fonda — wait ’til they get that!”

“Bill Moyers is simply jealous and frustrated that there is no longer a media monopoly that he is an exclusive member of. The genie is out of the bottle. The horse is out of the barn. The cat’s in the litter box — whatever the phrase is that you want to use.”

“The Obama administration can say I’m ‘fanning the flames’ all they want, but I’m not the guy who impugned doctors in a primetime press conference, claiming that they do tonsillectomies unnecessarily just to line their pockets.”

“President Obama doesn’t care what the nation wants, nor do liberals in general care. They’re going to do what they want to do, however they can do it, whether you want it or not.”

“If Obama’s not angry, why does he run around apologizing for the country all over the place? There’s something going on here, and it certainly isn’t a love and devotion to the whole concept of American exceptionalism, is it?”

“As for ratings, I’ll take my ratings over Obama’s any day of the week, folks; mine are way up, his are way down. As for profits, I don’t need lectures from people who have never created a real job. Profits beat your philosophy of socialism, Robert Gibbs.”

“Those in the media all want the tingle up the leg that Chris Matthews gets every night. They all want to be liked and be on the inside with this administration. I know it’s perverted, but that’s what we’re dealing with, but don’t sweat it, ’cause I’m here.”

“Snerdley just asked, ‘Why are they just picking on the hot dogs?’ That’s the starting point. After that, they’ll go to bacon. And after that, they’ll go to baloney. And after that, they’ll go after potato chips.”

“I hope you people like granola. I hope you like seaweed kelp. And I hope you enjoy eating raw soybeans because that’s where the children of Obama are going to take us if they’re allowed to!”

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“We never hear the Obamas talking about what a great health care system we have. No, they just rip it to shreds. It’s annoying as hell, frankly.”

“I have to admit the bride had a great sense of humor to go grab the official photographer and not throw a fit. I mean, it’s her wedding, and she works for Hillary, and there I am with her band leader saying, ‘Rush Limbaugh’s in the house!'”

“If we pull out of Afghanistan — which is what it looks like Obama’s prepared to do — then Afghanistan goes back to being a terrorist state, and we’ll eventually have to go back at some point when there’s somebody responsible running the country.”

“We’re not going to take a stand in Iraq under Obama, and we’re not going to take a stand in Afghanistan, too, apparently. And we’re not going to make a stand in Iran, Poland, the Czech Republic, or Latin America. So where are we going to take a stand?”

“Look, ACORN’s insidious, they’re everywhere. They’re like a virus. Actually, they’re like cockroaches. I’m telling you: we could destroy the country and ACORN would still be around somehow.”

“The New York Times is reporting that Obama called for David Paterson, the governor of New York, to not run for reelection. I wonder how receptive Obama would be to get a call from former President Clinton asking him to step down for the good of the party in 2012 and let Hillary run.”

“The fact of the matter is that Governor Paterson hasn’t done himself any good — he’s a doofus — but Obama has probably done as much to wreck Paterson’s career as Paterson has himself, and that’s saying something.”

“Obama does want to make nice with the Russians, like he wants to make nice with Chavez. Remember, the enemies of America are the friends of Obama’s. Anybody who thinks this country has been wrong, immoral, unjust, or imperialistic — they’re right!”

“The left can’t be honest about anything and succeed — that’s the dirty little secret. To show you how ridiculous it is, can any of you name for me one major government program that has cost less than they said it would?”

“It’s not a tax increase to Obama, folks, because it’s not your money. It’s his. All money is his — other than what he graciously allows you to end up with.”

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“It’s not the color of Obama’s skin that we oppose. It’s the color of his policies. It’s not his blackness. It’s his redness.”

“The Obama administration is going to issue a new medical marijuana policy today, which, frankly, I’m thankful for, because we’re going to need to be stoned to live through the next three-and-a-half years.”

“Interesting little poll here from James Carville and Stan Greenberg. You ready for this? Wait for it… ‘Racism is not a factor driving conservative opposition to Obama.’ Well, damn.”

“If you didn’t hear Snerdley’s rant on Friday about all this NFL stuff, avail yourself of the opportunity now: Snerdley has now made YouTube. It’s going to go viral out there, Snerdley!”

“I know that at the end of the day, none of these competing leftist groups are going to abandon Obama because they hate us more than they can ever be mad at him.”

“More and more industries have just lost courage; they’re not willing to fight for the system that made them prosperous. They’re so scared now that they’re playing ball with Obama in the hopes that he’ll exempt them from the harm they know will come to others in their business. It’s simply outrageous.”

“I have a suggestion, Mr. President. If you’re going to attack insurance companies, would you please attack those in Iran, North Korea, and the Taliban like you do the insurance companies?”

“If you believe anybody about anything ever in your life, including your mom and dad, believe me when I tell you that the entire, sole, 100% reason for national health care ‘reform’ is a public option.”

“Can I be honest with you, ladies and gentlemen? Well, you know I always am. But until we get rid of the unions, we’re not going to have any change in the public schools.”

“I keep saying how there are very, very dark days ahead of us, but you’re doing more than you know you’re all doing by staying informed and spreading the word. I would urge more of this.”

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“Reversing Obamaism and defeating it is what the American people want. And a majority of them, by the way — including larger-than-ever numbers of independents, the so-called precious middle.”

“My friends, don’t ever try to hug a polar bear. You will die. A polar bear will rip your head off.”

“As I’ve said in a half-serious way numerous times, smokers deserve medals because they are risking their own lives for the children. Well, they’re funding children’s health programs. And, of course, that impeccable logic from me is met with the usual derision.”

“Nobody can prove that Obama is following Cloward-Piven, but if he’s not, it’s a strange coincidence. I mean, I don’t know how things would be any different if he was following it.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, if I may, let me cut through all the noise and make the complex understandable. It’s very simple. Republican chairmanships are not going to roll back Obamaism. Conservatism is.”

“An oil well explodes, we need to sue Big Oil. The war on poverty fails after $20 trillion, and we need a new program.”

“You know, that’s right: If you go to a ballpark anywhere in public, and somebody lights up a joint, nobody says a word because nobody wants to be thought of as a narc. But you let somebody light up a cigarette, and 49,000 people will have a conniption fit.”

“Why is it so important for us to forget that 9/11 — and so many other terrorist attacks — have been perpetuated in the name of Islam?”

“It doesn’t take long before the manager of a restaurant comes up to me: ‘Mr. Limbaugh, there’s some complaints. We really have a no smoking policy here at such-and-such.’ And then I say, ‘I’m not smoking, I’m water vaporing.'”

“The right hairdo? What does that mean? What is the ‘right Texas hairdo’?”

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“Folks, this next presidential election is going to be crucial. We have about six to ten years to reverse this before the mathematics goes geometrically out of our control.”

“Ben Bernanke was on 60 Minutes last night, and he said that unemployment might take five years to fall to a normal level. So what he’s basically saying here is, as long as Obama’s president, we are stuck.”

“Hey, did you see that Julian Assange has called for the resignation of President Obama? Just goes to show there’s good in everybody.”

“What I want to know is, where are the WikiLeaks documents that prove that 9/11 was an inside job by George Bush and Dick Cheney? I mean, if Julian Assange is worth his salt, why didn’t he produce all this stuff that you kooks believe?”

“If Alan Grayson — if that idiot — can end up with $31 and a half million, anybody can. It’s one of the greatest motivational details that I’ve ever imparted to you: If Grayson can do it, you can do it.”

“Look, I don’t mean to beat up on Tiger Woods, but when you acquiesce to a marketing plan to present you as Mr. Perfect in everything, and then we find out you aren’t, sorry, dude, you can’t go back to that.”

“I think I deserve a medal for courageous restraint for waiting until the third hour in the program to talk about the National Football League.”

“This idea that tax cuts for certain Americans stimulate the economy but tax cuts for other Americans don’t… how does that work? Obama just doesn’t get it, folks; it’s just not in his DNA.”

“I got a kick out of this lead paragraph from the AP concerning the WikiLeaks stuff: ‘Secretary of state Hillary Rodham Clinton knows how to try to get a laugh from a public embarrassment.’ I’ll say she does!”

“We are wimpifying this whole world. We just are.”

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“I had eight years in a row of getting a White House Christmas card, but somehow one didn’t show this year.”

“If men aren’t supposed to worry about showering with gay men, then women shouldn’t worry about showering with men, right? I mean, that makes total sense.”

“I actually think that many of these people in the No Labels group are failures. They’re failures on the left and they’re failures on the right, so they’re trying to forge a spot for themselves.”

“Morality is always on the left’s enemies list because involved in morality is judgment.”

“Those of you in the stick-to-the-issues crowd — know who you are. There are about three of you, and you bombard me with e-mails under false, phony names to make yourselves look like there are 25 or 30 of you. It’s funny. It’s laughable.”

“We see the Democrat Party routinely, excitedly, voting for and promoting the killing of babies. Now, I don’t care what kind of outreach you come up with, there’s nothing that’s going to be able to make us think that that’s not what it is.”

“The only difference in reality TV and regular TV is that in reality TV the writers are not unionized.”

“To the Democrats, everything is some sort of sick political game. Nothing’s real, especially faith in God. The only thing that’s real is what Democrats can make us believe about them.”

“All right, here’s the latest. Michael Moore is now denying that Cuba banned Sicko because of mythical representations of their health care system. Of course, we also know that Michael Moore and the truth are strangers, and they have been for the longest time.”

“The whole truth of the matter is that none of these people ever tell me I’m wrong — all they do is complain about how I say it.”

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“We on the right have led the charge against Congress and the professional political class for noble and obvious reasons. I can’t speak for others who do what I do, but I’m not going to be silenced by this.”

“Unfortunately for the country, we’re learning today that nothing is beneath today’s mainstream media, nothing is beneath the Democrat Party, and nothing is beneath the American left.”

“The first thought that the losers of November had was that they could revitalize their political fortunes because of the unfortunate shooting of a congresswoman from Arizona. That was the most important thing to them, and that, to me, is sick.”

“I’ve seen people say about Gabrielle Giffords, ‘You know, she doesn’t even fit the profile of somebody the Tea Party wouldn’t like.’ I’m not even going to defend that premise. The Tea Party doesn’t run around committing assassinations. The Tea Party doesn’t commit violence, period.”

“Just ask yourself this: If the shooter had been a 22-year-old named Mohammed, would we be hearing that Muslim talk radio and the Muslim Internet is to blame for him?”

“Reagan was shot 1981 — did the news media and the rest of the left demand that commentators dial back the anti-Reagan, anti-conservative vitriol back then? No, they didn’t. I was alive and paying attention.”

“So that’s Senator Durbin talking about American military personnel on the floor of the Senate: ‘Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, some mad regime, Pol Pot or others, no concern for human beings.’ Yet Senator Durbin nevertheless sees fit to lecture us about inflamed, unacceptable, beyond-the-bounds rhetoric.”

“What is hate speech in America today? Hate speech is that speech which disagrees with liberalism; hate speech is that speech which disagrees with the policies of the Democrat Party.”

“Folks, I want you to notice the constant effort to demonize conservatism when, in fact, it’s conservatism that is the very foundation of America. Lower taxes, limited government, personal responsibility… that’s about as old-fashioned and traditional as you can get.”

“‘Radical conservative’ is an oxymoron — it’s simply an impossibility — and that’s why the left fears what we are and what we say and why they are trying to shut us up.”

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