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“My question is: How many speeches that say absolutely nothing can there be to plagiarize?”

“By the way, Mrs. Clinton, you couldstart tipping the waitresses at the diners in Iowa. The waitresses, I’m sure, would appreciate a dime or a quarter if it came from you personally, rather than being told that they’re wrong when they report that they did not get a tip.”

“This is sort of lame of Mrs. Clinton to go after this kind of plagiarism. We expect better from her: kneecapping, personal smears, leaks of FBI file information… you know, knife-in-the-gut kind of stuff.”

“I just got a note here from H.R.; hesays that there’s going to be a special on DNCTV tonight devoted to the issue of Obama plagiarizing. Joe Biden and Mike Barnicle will host with Doris Kearns Goodwin making a special appearance.”

“The Clintons will wreck the party first to get the nomination, and then wreck the country to get the presidency. I mean, I’m exaggerating a bit here, but I’m trying to make a point.”

“If 70% of the electorate believes in global warming and you want to get reelected, you have to act like you believe it, too. But that’s not leadership — it’s pandering.”

“Mrs. Clinton’s been saying she’ll ‘work tirelessly’, right? She said that to New Yorkers when she ran for the Senate. Well, if running around the country losing primaries is working hard for New York, then we have lost the meaning of words.”

“I want to talk about Hillary’s 13-page manifesto that you referred to here, Art, and your speculation that she’s either stupid, dumb, or lying. I don’t think we can take the chance on any of those — she’s a socialist liberal.”

“‘I’m going to raise taxes on the rich and I’m going to make you feel better that the rich are paying more in taxes.’ ‘Mrs. Clinton, is it going to help me?’ ‘Well, no, but you’re going to feel better because you want to hate these people.'”

“I’m only on three hours a day, and that’s a problem that affects real lives. If I were on longer, you would have less to be undecided about.”

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“These Clintons are like cockroaches. They’ll be the last thing left after a nuclear blast.”

“If I travel someplace, I get sick. I’m getting mad about it. I only went up to Georgia yesterday. It’s not like I went all the way up to New York where this stuff is floating around in the air all over the place. It makes me mad!”

“I have never once watched a Snoopy television show. I have never read a Snoopy book. I have only seen Snoopy on the blimp covering golf tournaments. Fine: Adults watched Snoopy. I didn’t.”

“In the Democrat Party, there are no rules; there are just traditions and customs. There are no rules in a knife fight, either.”

“Socialism saps entrepreneurism. It saps the creation of wealth. You try to have a functioning society without the creation of wealth. It’s a bad, bad deal out there, David. It’s very bad.”

“I have no class? Well, sorry you think that, Tanisha. By the way, Tanisha is one of my all-time, top-ten favorite female names.”

“I think the Clintons have been laboring under all kinds of misconceptions. One of them is that the country loves them and is desperate to have them back. The second one is that the Democrats really, really love them and want them back.”

“By definition, socialism cannot be compassionate. It’s an illusion. It cannot achieve equality like it promises unless everybody’s equally miserable.”

“Well, that’s it for today, folks. I’m going to do everything I can to be in here tomorrow, but it all depends on how it goes with the ravages of this virus. I’m going home to go to bed, and maybe I’ll read a Curious George book.”

“We’re already screwed. What we have to do is limit the being screwed to as small a screwdriver as it can be.”

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“Let me put it to you bluntly: Why would any Republican want to leave the party to vote for a Democrat when we have our own Democrat running?”

“With Bill Clinton, you liberals had an impeached president and you lost Congress for the first time in 40 years. What is it that makes you people think that your glory days were with Bill Clinton?”

“As you people know, I happen to love stereotypical humor — you know, how the wife can’t drive and all these things?”

“When Obama doesn’t have a speech in front of him written by David Axelrod or somebody, he can’t take a punch. He has a sense of entitlement about him that says: ‘I will not be criticized. I’m too important.'”

“Despite all of the challenging economic circumstances, we ended up with a total take of $2,519,643 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Cure-A-Thon last week. You know how wonderful that is?”

“I came to realize something: that my faith in the American people is actually a faith in this country, because I do believe it’s been blessed by God. That’s the source of my optimism.”

“This babe, Nora Ephron? I have met her at a dinner party; she was as nice as she could be. Is she attractive? Snerdley, why does that matter?”

“No, Michael, I haven’t seen the Newt Gingrich/Nancy Pelosi global warming commercial. What do they say? What are they doing? I hope they’re not in bed.”

“I know our babies look cute — and they goo-goo around and spit up and do all these wonderfully cute things that people love — but if they weren’t socialized by parents, they’d grow up to be savages.”

“I think the Republican establishment doesn’t like people referring to Reagan because none of the current crop is anywhere near his league.”

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“I would go so far as to say that all of us at Operation Chaos are doing the job for Mrs. Clinton that her husband can’t or won’t do.”

“This race is the reason Hillary put up with being married to that lug head. You really think she’s going to say, ‘Congratulations, Obama! You’ve run a really great race, and now I’m heading back to the kitchen to bake cookies’?”

“Here are today’s orders for Indiana’s Operation Chaos operatives: Flood these precincts! Indiana Democrat pooh-bahs do not get to intimidate us!”

“I just got a note from Cookie up in New York: ‘I’m worried. You did not deny the crush on Hillary.’ So I wrote her back: ‘LOL.’ She writes back: ‘I’m serious. This could hurt you.'”

“Arianna Huffington sounds like a Bond girl, like Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s mistress.”

“Mrs. Clinton is saying that I have a crush on her; obviously they think this in the Clinton household. This probably explains why Bill Clinton hit on my date at the Kobe Club in New York last year.”

“Remember when Hillary had that planted question up in New Hampshire? And she started crying? We at Operation Chaos came to her rescue — her emotional rescue (Rolling Stones).”

“Our ratings are actually phenomenal. We’ve only recievedthe January-February-March rating period, but it’s kick-ass.”

“Operation Chaos voters, there are a number of things that you can do to avoid being challenged tomorrow. Here is a partial list: Do not bathe tonight. Do not shave if you are a man. Wear jeans, sandals, flip-flops,or Birkenstocks.”

“Bye-bye, Claudette. What the hell was that, Snerdley?”

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“How long before you’ve had enough encroachment of your freedom and your liberty? How long before you tell the leftists to stop and shut up?”

“The leftist agenda is to make sure that this country is in a constant state of decline, to make sure that the people in this country are brought down to size. They feel the American people needbe punished for their sin of prosperity.”

“I could spend the next 20 minutes talking to you about my turtle lights, but I don’t want to make this personal.”

“We won’t change anything in Washington unless a Reagan comes along. Obama isn’t going to change anything. Obama’s just going to do what liberals have done for eons: Eliminate as much freedom and liberty as possible.”

“Men don’t hate sex in the city, but they hate Sex and the City.”

“Obama blames his gaffes onlack of sleep. Get used to it, man — you want to be president! Remember: a phone call is going to come at 3:00 in the morning, and it’s going to be Hillary saying, ‘Have you seen Bill?'”

“If my last name was De Cock and I ran this organization, I would change my last name.”

“The California drought is not due to lack of rain; it’s due to a federal judge who shut off water because offish: the smelt. Smelt! Smelt! I mean, at least get a fish with a decent sounding name.”

“You know what conservatism is? It’s basic freedom, and it’s never going to go out of style.”

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“If Saturday Night Live did a skit on incest in the Obama family, do you think the media would say, ‘It’s just a joke. Lighten up’?”

“I’m the nation’s happiest, most cheerful, optimistic radio program host going. What are you laughing at, Brian? Oh, I’m totally optimistic about this! You don’t see me cashing it in and moving behind the gates, do you?”

“Ben Roethlisberger of the Pittsburgh Steelers ought to sue his own team for attempted murder. Gee whiz! Against the McNabbs in Philadelphia, the Steelers looked like a sandlot team. I mean, I’m a huge Steelers fan, but my Lord!”

“95% of blacks are going to vote for Obama. Where’s the racism? What if 95% of whites said they were going to vote McCain? Would there be a racism charge there?”

“The Democrat Party has been radicalized and taken over by the Alinsky-ites, and their purpose is to destroy the country as it exists and remake it in their own fashion. I can’t explain the psychology of liberalism, folks. I think it’s a disease, but I can’t explain it.”

“We have to ask why in the hell was Obama given so much money by Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae so quickly? The tentacles, my friends — and I say this with all candor — reach deep into the Democrat Party.”

“Amen, God love you, George! Stand up! Let ’em see you out there, George! You know, oh, God! I’m sorry about that! What am I doing? Nobody can see him; he’s on the phone! Oh, well.”

“Senator McCain, you are running against Obama; you are not running against George W. Bush and Wall Street. Sarah Palin understands it — she pulled your irons out of the fire, but you’re about to throw ’em back in.”

“Obama just said that everybody knows that this financial problem occurred because of a lack of oversight and no regulation, and, of course, the doofuses in his audience are saying, ‘Yeah!’ The most expensive commodity we have in this country is ignorance.”

“How’s Woody Allen doing with his daughter that he married? I mean, that’s why I say he’s a poster child for Democrat Party social policies.”

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“I maintain that Obama doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“We don’t know if Obama’s talking about receipts or profits regarding his tax plan — because nobody’s asking him! I’m not the one promising to raise your taxes; the little squirrel Obama is. So somebody needs to ask him: ‘Are you talking about receipts or profit?'”

“In a way, McCain’s right: we do have them right where we want them because they think it’s over. And any time somebody with three weeks to go is this sure that it’s over, they are ripe.”

“Well, let’s see here… The stock market is up 583 right now — I’m waiting for Obama to take credit for it. The gasoline price is down on average 35 cents across the country — I’m waiting for Obama to takecredit for it.”

“I have a couple of conservative friends in Connecticut, and all they read is the New York Times — what the hell? I tell them, ‘You people need to join America; you ain’t it.'”

“I love relying on the character, the strength, and the wisdom of the American people, but you have to keep educating people for that wisdom and strength and character because the left perpetually tries to dumb them down.”

“You need profit to hire people, Obama, not government. Although, I don’t think Obama cares or even knows about this — he’s a socialist.”

“I am universally loved and admired, and if I can say ‘my friends’ and make it palatable, then it will be palatable to you when you hear Senator McCain say it twice or three times every sentence.”

“Reagan moved the country to the right. He didn’t get Democrat votes by telling Democrats they’re going to be comfortable in the Republican Party because we’re going to deemphasize conservatism; Reagan made several million Democrats like conservatism.”

“Some people over the weekend were calling me Christopher Columbus for discovering new ways to do things. Hee, hee, hee.”

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“It isn’t over. If you have fear, act on it! It’s the best thing you can do.”

“Obama, in his distorted, perverted mind, doesn’t want to just equalize the United States. This guy has, I fear, as his number one desire to tear down the greatness of this country so that we are no better than any other nation. I really do think this is his aim.”

“We’ve had so much happen in this race that it just stuns me. I mean, I don’t know how a guy who has a brother living in a hut in Kenya and an aunt living in a slum in Boston gets away with saying he’s his ‘brother’s keeper.'”

“Yes, Obama’s going to bankrupt the coal industry. He said it! He said it happily! He said it firmly! And he followed it up with excitement over skyrocketing electricity rates as a result. We’re all going to end up as Aunt Zeituni if this guy gets his way.”

“It is Obama’s intention to reduce our national wealth, folks; make no mistake here. This is why he’s so wildly popular in the Third World, because he brings the mentality of socialism to this race.”

“You don’t tell a communist stand up — a communist tells you to sit down.”

“When you destroy the middle class and you convince them that they’re better off on welfare — that some magical guru is going to handle all their needs — then you control them and own their votes forever, and that’s why Obama wants to bankrupt the coal industry.”

“Obama is and always has been a socialist, and a radical socialist to boot. And if he does become president with no institution able to put a check on his power, he’s going to have the authority to impose his will and, as he says, fundamentally change the nation. That’s no small thing.”

“Every organization has a Vinny. If you need two six-packs of beer at 4 a.m. in the horse trailer truck that’s lost on the highway in Defiance, Ohio, Vinny will have it there in five minutes.”

“Arnold Schwarzenegger said Obama needs to go out there and do some squats. I disagree with Arnold; he’s already done squat! Barack Obama has done diddly-squat!”

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“We elected a guy on the basis that everything is going to get better simply because we elected the guy, and now Obama tells us it’s going to get worse.”

“After 20 years, I still can’t believe that some of you regular listeners have the audacity to question me! (A little Obama impersonation there, folks.)”

“If these auto CEOs went into bankruptcy kicking and screaming about government interference, people would buy their cars out of pride, if nothing else. Who wouldn’t want to buy cars from companies that stood up for their freedom to succeed or fail on their own terms?”

“You can’t drive through West Virginia without seeing something named for Robert Byrd — except maybe a rest area.”

“Here’s how Congress can sell $15 billion worth of cars: Put Obama’s logo or his likeness on all four hubcaps or wheel covers. You’d even have a built-in advertising slogan: ‘See the USA the Obama way.'”

“For those of you on the left who are upset with Obama because none of your people are in the cabinet so far, chill out, babe! You’re going to get so much of what you want, so just shut up!”

“Why would I buy a newspaper? Besides, if I bought the Miami Herald, it would be for the real estate. I’d send the printing presses down to Fidel Castro and say, ‘Have at it, buddy. It’s your paper anyway.'”

“I have found, Christopher, that each and every time my heart was broken, it turned out to be for a damn good reason.”

“We can’t count on GM to give us our health care, we can’t count on the window company in Chicago to give us our health care, and we can’t count on our own bosses to give us health care because they’re rotten SOBs. Nope, the only people that can do this is government, because they care about us.”

“Remember, my friends: Love is fickle, conservatism is forever.”

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“Obama flipped the world the bird and acted alone on the pirates because the world embarrassed him and gave him nothing on his world tour.”

“The Somali pirates tried to hold us up for $2 million, but the Beltway pirates are looking for $10 trillion from the United States and her people. And even if we pony up the $10 trillion ransom demanded by the Beltway pirates, they still won’t release us.”

“I don’t know why community organizers in Somalia would fire on a fellow community organizer from the United States like Congressman Payne. For all they know, they might like the guy if they just had a sit-down with him.”

“The government in New York has said, ‘Look, New Jersey raised taxes on the rich, and nobody left New Jersey.’ New Jersey? They’re holding out New Jersey as a paragon of economic virtue?”

“The question regarding New York is not, ‘Why would I cease doing business there?’ The question is, ‘Why the hell would anybody stay there?'”

“Obama’s approval numbers will be used as proof that Americans are totally on board for his liberty-depleting domestic power grabs: ‘Of course we’ll socialize medicine! Look at Obama’s approval numbers! Of course we’ll have card check! Look at Obama’s approval numbers!'”

“Obama’s going to have to award himself a medal for his bravery and courage — maybe the Purple Heart — and I want to be there when he presents it to himself. Maybe he can have the teleprompter put it on him.”

“The self-esteem movement was not about self-esteem. It was about subordinating yourself to the demands of others and the tug of popular sentiment.”

“While all the military gets praised to heaven, guess what’s happening in Washington? The military budget is being cut. These heroes are being (and will be) used to advance a domestic agenda of hard leftism. Returning Captain Phillips’ liberty will be used to take away portions of ours.”

“There is no version ‘my version of the truth’ — there’s just the truth. And this program exists to ascertain it.”

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“If Obama cared about your lot in life, he would yank his stimulus plan and his health care plan, and he would enact across-the-board tax cuts.”

“All these people in media are saying, ‘Oh, it’s so horrible for Obama, this great young president, he had so much potential.’ But it is Barack Obama himself who is directly responsible for the problems that confront him today. Like every other paranoid schizophrenic, his problems are self-created.”

“Just as the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution were the foundation of this country, nationalized health care is the foundation on which all of that founding vanishes.”

“Obama’s not looking at this opposition and saying, ‘Wow, I’m really out of touch with what the American people want.’ No, he’s looking at this and saying, ‘I’m going to have a tougher time ramming this down their throats! Damn Limbaugh! Damn talk radio!'”

“The truth is, the health care plan is collapsing under the weight of its own undeliverable promises and the fact that people have lost trust in the president of the United States. I mean, he tells us that doctors want to sever limbs for profit.”

“Where is the specific constitutional language authorizing the president and Congress to dictate — yes, dictate — our medical and health care decisions? Is there any Founding Father who would have imagined such a power exercised by the government they were establishing?”

“I’ll tell you what else, folks — our beloved president is a laughingstock around the world. And if you don’t like that, I’ll say he’s ineffective. He’s just a hapless little college kid. God, what happened to us?”

“Latin America is running hard left without any opposition. Hell, they’re getting handshakes from us! Plus, Obama’s done nothing close to what Bush did for Africa. This guy is a screwed-up Ivy League college graduate who loves running around playing rich guy.”

“Pelosi and her husband own a vineyard in Northern California. They’re worth a bundle. That’s fine and dandy — except for the fact that they want to keep what they have and live as they do and deny that opportunity to the rest of everybody else like the Russian czars. They are smug, arrogant, elitists.”

“Vickie, are you saying that Obama is the equivalent of being married to an abusive husband? Whoa.”

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