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“There’s a twenty percent chance that Hillary will get the nomination because Obama can’t close this out — and the Clintons are the Clintons.”

“Our country has a better chance of winning in the Middle East than Mrs. Clinton has of winning the Democrat primary, and yet she wants to fight to the end in her campaign, but quit in Iraq.”

“My optimism is based long term. I mean, you’re always going to lose elections. You’re always going to have disappointments. And you’re always going to end up with dingbats like Jimmy Carter.”

“Charlton Heston cut a figure of authenticity and credibility that Hollywood actors today can only dream of when they apply themselves to causes. Ted Danson, Leonardo DiCaprio… they’re just pure pretenders.”

“What I am learning is something that I always knew, and that is the Democrats never really loved the Clintons — they were just afraid of them.”

“That, my friends, is exactly how liberalism works: in little steps. We tax cigarettes, so why not tax candy and crackers and popcorn and butter and beef and Doritos and all these things that liberals think are no good for you?”

“I’m holding here in my formerly nicotine-stained fingers a column from today’s New York Times by the ferret-like Paul Krugman. Well, he does — he looks like a ferret. A weasel.”

“Okay, the economy is having a little blip here. Fine. What can we do about it? Go out and engage in it! Be more productive! Work harder instead of sitting around and whining and moaning about George Bush!”

“That last caller — Lynn from Ohio, bless her heart — is exactly what happens to people with years and years of exposure to liberalism. She’s depressed, she believes the government holds all of her answers, and she’s lost her free will as a person.”

“Liberalism: It just bites you every time it gets a chance — and people bend over forward and let it! It frustrates the hell out of me.”

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“Tim Russert was one-of-a-kind, and there’s nobody they can put in that chair to replace him. There just isn’t.”

“McCain is doing a press conference out there talking about how we need to find alternative resources and tax the energy companies to get rid of global warming and all that stuff, so I turned that off and I turned on the US Open playoff on ESPN.”

“Tim Russert was everything that you thought he would be. He was part of the elite, but he didn’t act it. He was the closest thing to an objective journalist at any of the networks.”

“The Drive-By Media primarily uses other Drive-Bys as its audience. Their audience is them, not news consumers. Contrary to what you might think, they write what they write and do their TV appearances for themselves. It’s all a little cluster.”

“Whatever power that liberals cannot achieve at the ballot box they seize through the courts. This is the change that Barack Obama and his fellow liberals have been waiting for, and the America they want to create is not the America we know, or even want to know.”

“Saudi Arabia just said, ‘Okay, we’ll pump 500,000 more barrels, but you have to lower your gas taxes.’ If it’s okay for them to pump 500,000 more barrels, how come it won’t matter if we pump a million out of ANWR, liberals? Hmm?”

“Everybody’s concerned about how many seats we’re going to lose in the House and Senate in November, but here’s an issue: Drill here, drill now, pay less. The Republicans in Congress need to grow some.”

“So Obama tells black fathers, ‘Hey, stay home, buds, and raise your children.’ This is original? Yes, it is, ladies and gentlemen, because Barack Obama is the messiah.”

“I think the Drive-Bys’ understanding of the loss of their media monopoly has made them come out of the closet. When I was growing up, the whole notion of the liberal media was well known, but they at least hid behind the pretense of objectivity. Today, they’ve shed the pretense.”

“I predicted on Friday that somebody at MSNBC is going to blame Bush for Russert’s death by causing all kinds of stress in the journalist community — and Chris Matthews got pretty damn close to fulfilling my prediction.”

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“Colin Powell’s endorsement of Obama is about race. R-A-C-E. You can quote me.”

“Joe Biden says the world is going to ‘test’ Obama. What’s it going to be: China taking Taiwan? China taking North Korea? Russia taking over a bordering country or two? Israel being wiped off the map? All the above? What is it, Joe?”

“So Biden says a major international crisis is a fair price for electing an inexperienced squirrel — Obama — who wants ACORN to run our elections and can’t wait to surrender in Iraq. And remember,folks: a squirrel is just a rat with better PR.”

“Do you think Obama could fix his own toilet if it was stopped up? What? Excellent question posed, ladies and gentlemen, by the official program observer, Mr. Snerdley: ‘You mean The Messiah uses toilets?'”

“By the way, what is ‘transformational’ about having John Podesta run your transition team? What is ‘transformational’ about having Laura D’Andrea Tyson on your economic team?”

“Team Obama was able to shut down Joe the Plumber to mock him, to make fun of him, to investigate him, to demonize him, to virtual Tony Soprano him. I mean, they did everything but throw him in the East River with concrete blocks tied to his feet.”

“So you’re sitting out there thinking, ‘Obama’s only going to go after the super rich’, but you can see right in front of your very eyes that they’re going to go after the achievers. And if you say nothinguntil they eventually get to you, there’s not going to be anybody else left to defend you.”

“By the way, General Powell, is Sarah Palin not also a ‘transformational’ figure? Is her campaign not also historic? Not one of General Powell’s finest hours, ladies and gentlemen.”

“Look what happened here: it took a plumber to flush out Obama’s true economic philosophy, to illustrate to America that Obama’s ideas do not hold water. And more than that, it took a plumber to open the dam of resentment that has been under the surface for decades toward the media.”

“Look: a socialist is a socialist. You’re either a socialist or you’re not. And Obama is.”

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“Had this guy thrown his shoe at Saddam Hussein, he would have been shot five minutes later. Long live freedom; long live democracy.”

“Here is Colin Powell telling the Republican Party what to do — after he voted for Obama! I know what really has Colin Powell upset; it’s because I said his endorsement of Obama was about race, and I’m not supposed to say those things.”

“As long as you are a Republican who buys into an endless array of liberal causes — like global warming and amnesty for illegals and a fetish for compromising principles — then the media are going to love you.”

“The Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme pales in comparison to the largest, existing one in the entire world: Social Security.”

“Was Abraham Lincoln great because he sought compromise during the Civil War, or was he great because he insisted on total and complete victory? You know, great people take stands on principle, not moderation.”

“I thought it was all going to get better with Obama. I thought sea levels were going to recede and the ice was going to start freezing again and our athletes were not going to be shooting themselves in the thigh in nightclubs at one o’clock in the morning.”

“Rachel, you’re a mom — are you telling your kids how tough times are out there? You are? Social services will be knocking on your door soon for causing trauma.”

“There is no transcript: it’s Barney Frank. You cannot understand what he’s saying anyway. That’s the whole point, ladies and gentlemen.”

“Once I was at a college football game, and I looked up at the student section and some guy was flipping me the bird — so I flipped him back! I did! I had a big smile on my face as I flipped him back, and a state trooper from Nebraska came up and said, ‘I saw it. He started it. You are in the clear.'”

“I was thinking, you know, what a charmed, blessed life that I have, to be able to do this. I mean, football, you people… it’s a passion.”

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“A lot of people don’t like absolutes, right and wrong. It makes them uncomfortable. But I guaran-damn-tee you life is filled with absolutes.”

“The Democrats are saying, ‘You know, you Republicans need to become more like us.’ They know full well what they’re doing. They want to encourage the McCains of the world to go out and continue to muddy the water of what a Republican or conservative is.”

“If you have the money to buy a Rolex, why would you go buy a $60 knock-off? If you can vote for a real liberal Democrat, why vote for a Republican who says he wants to be one?”

“When you strip all the talk about the-era-of-Reagan-is-over away, you’ll see it’s aimed at Sarah Palin. Because last year the most prominent, articulate voice for standard, run-of-the-mill, good old-fashioned American conservatism was Sarah Palin.”

“There is no cash back with cap-and-trade. The correct way to describe cap-and-trade is, ‘cap-and-tax-your-ass-off’.”

“The truth is, in order for an act to be a sacrifice, it must be voluntary. If the sacrifice is forced, it ain’t sacrifice. It’s authoritarianism, totalitarianism, or what have you.”

“I maintain that when a politician says, ‘We have to listen to the American people and learn,’ that we are pandering and not leading.”

“Now, when Jeb Bush says that the Democrats have something and we don’t, that’s not true. We have conservatism. Conservatism is timeless. Conservatism is freedom. Conservative is the nation’s founding.”

“Snerdley asked me, ‘How can these Republicans be so blind as to what the Republican Party’s successes were with Reagan?’ They’re not blind. They’re threatened. They’re threatened that somebody might surface, or maybe has, that can advance and articulate the issues that would lead to a landslide victory.”

“When you can speak like I do, you don’t have to listen to anybody else.”

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“I want to be known as the man who saved America from subprime health care, blue sky promises ’til you get the bill.”

“I would love to see the party platform of a Colin Powell/Meghan McCain/John McCain-led third party, and here’s what it would be: ‘We believe in the following, but we’re not going to tell you what the following is because if you don’t agree with us, we might agree with you. It just depends.'”

“The stimulus plan was supposed to put people back to work, was supposed to be about economic recovery. It wasn’t about buying four million pounds of processed cheese, but we’re not surprised to find it in there, folks.”

“Obama’s commitment to government school is purely political. His personal commitment is to get the best education he can for his kids, so he sends them to private school. And he and his ilk will do exactly the same thing with government-run health care — they’ll have their own exclusive doctors.”

“My buddy F. Lee Levin has an interesting theory on why Walter Cronkite was so loved and adored: because he looked like Walt Disney.”

“Because of his frustration that that magic isn’t working anymore, we are now going to see the real Obama. Starting today with his speech, we’ll see how he seeks to smear and destroy people behind the scenes who disagree with him.”

“So I’m now up to 16 different ways I have to prove to the New York City and state tax authorities where I have been every day of the year. Meanwhile, Barack Obama has yet to have to prove he’s a citizen.”

“I keep telling these Republicans who hate Sarah Palin: ‘The leftists are telling us who our strongest candidate is by who they’re trying to destroy. The more you sit around and wait for NBC or CBS or ABC to validate Sarah Palin so that you can feel good about her, the more you’re just going to be continually disappointed.'”

“When Obama sends his kids to public school, when Obama lives in real public housing (not the White House), when Obama starts driving around a bubble car, and when Obama’s retirement consists only of Social Security, then he might be more convincing about the wonders of government-run health care.”

“You don’t know how difficult it is for me to say this, folks, but the president of the United States is lying through his teeth. It’s just such a pity it has come to this.”

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“The country is suffering from postpartisan depression, if you ask me.”

“This is what we’ve come to: The Reds make the playoffs for the first time in 15 years, and their fans call a tattletale hotline because they’re smoking victory cigars in their own clubhouse. This frosts me. I cannot tell you how much it frosts me.”

“I’ve met Rick Sanchez, and believe me, folks… You know, he’s an order of fries short of a Happy Meal. The elevator doesn’t go to the top floor.”

“For crying out loud, to be made fun of by Jon Stewart? Rick Sanchez ought to be thankful somebody’s talking about him. If I were Sanchez, I’d be paying Stewart. I mean, I’m a nobody, and yet somebody’s still talking about me.”

“I don’t care where conservatives gather en masse, it’s always the case that they clean up their mess.”

“I maintain, folks, the subprime mortgage crisis as the number one reason we have an economic collapse today, and it was brought to you exclusively by Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and the Democrat Party.”

“Seth sent me this note that he was getting hate mail like he has never received before from people who thought he had screwed up by making me look human on the Family Guy.”

“Let me tell you something, folks. The purpose of a business is not to make sure you have a job, and the purpose of a business is not to ensure that you have health insurance.”

“The dirty little secret here is that the national political climate never was with Obama. Obama just defrauded a tremendous portion of this country, largely independents who are ripe for being defrauded.”

“‘Are you daring, Mr. Limbaugh, to compare our wonderful little president, Mr. Obama, to Hugo Chavez?’ Yes, Mr. New Castrati, I am. A socialist is a socialist.”

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