RUSH: I’ve been thinking about something. Ever since Friday night, Saturday, I’ve been thinking about this, and I don’t know where the germination of the idea came from, but wherever it came from, it’s a good one. If I were Saddam Hussein, I would demand that my trial be postponed on this basis:
The honorable Senate Democrats in the United States are doing an honorable investigation to find out exactly what happened to cause me to lose my country, and until these honorable Senate Democrats in the United States get every one of their questions answered about the manipulation and the distortion of the intelligence — and of course all of the lies about my having weapons of mass destruction; all this before my country was invaded — I can’t get a fair trial, until all these questions are answered by the Senate Democrats. And after these Senate Democrats get the answers that we all know are out there, I, Saddam Hussein, would argue that I never had any weapons of mass destruction, and whatever bad intelligence was generated by a cowboy, fratboy president and his indicted staff, who have poisoned world opinion about me and my government, and as such, I can’t get a fair trial anywhere — and I want my country back. I’m going to make this trial about George W. Bush, and I’m going to be calling as witnesses people like Dick Durbin and Ted Kennedy. I’m going to call Chuck Schumer.
I would call Senator Jay Rockefeller as a witness, if I were Saddam Hussein. I’m serious, folks — and I wouldn’t be surprised if his defense lawyers pick up on this at some point. If I were Saddam Hussein I would never, ever get off the line of attack of Senate Democrats. I would “want answers.” I would accuse the lying President Bush of manufacturing evidence and spreading propaganda to a bunch of gullible reporters like Judith Miller of the New York Times and who knows who all at NBC, and say that there exists a massive conspiracy just like Hillary Clinton said; a massive right-wing conspiracy to prop up a failed presidency, and to distract the world from the damage the Bush White House has done to the world’s environment, the world’s workers, the world’s unions, the world’s teachers — and most of all the world’s children. If I were Saddam Hussein, I would be making this case, and I would say, “I’m following the lead of these great honorable Senate Democrats of the United States Senate who have the guts and the courage to have the temerity to get to the bottom of all of this.” I would follow them down the path they’re on.
I, Saddam Hussein, would say that the Senate Democrats are on the way to proving that President Bush has led a false war, permanently screwed up children all over the world as to how you solve problems. My country is Muslim. We are very different from western countries, and that scares stupid, evangelical cowboys like George Bush. Why, Prince Charles even had to go tell Bush, “You misunderstood Islam,” the other day. I’d call Prince Charles as a witness! So what does this cowboy Bush do when his oil baron buddies can’t have my oil for themselves? Well, they start a war on false pretenses because everybody knows that this war was about nothing but oil and that’s why all the intelligence was trumped up, and that’s why all of the lies were told and that’s why everybody was told and agreed that I had weapons of mass destruction, is because the world wants my oil led by the cowboy Bush, and I thank God — I thank Allah daily — for the Senate Democrats, the Democrats of the United States Senate who are leading this courageous effort to prove what a liar and a disaster on the world stage George W. Bush has been. I can’t get a fair trial, and until I get a fair trial — which is not possible — I demand my country back. All of this that has happened has been based on lies. The world can’t sleep at night. If the world can do this to me, a man with nothing but benevolence and love in his heart for his people, what will they do next? Who will they do it to next? The cowboy Bush — Cheney, Libby, Rove — they must be stopped, and it’s the Senate Democrats in that great institution, the United States Senate, who are leading the way.
If I were Saddam Hussein, I would say, “I have no hope for a fair trial.”
What I’m saying is being said by elected members of the United States Senate. As I listen to the elected senators, Democrats of the United States Senate, as they pursue this honorable investigation of George W. Bush, I say to myself, “This is what I said to the UN. This is what I said to the weapons inspectors.” This is what I said to the world when I was confronted with what everybody now knows (thanks to the Senate Democrats) are bogus, fake and trumped-up charges.
Bush is a liar! He lied about the reasons for and the need to invade my country, and I want it back. He hires liars. It is George Bush who should be impeached and convicted in his own country and then tried at The Hague in my place. Not me. I had nothing to do with 9/11. Yet I’m the one paying the price. You may not like me; I am Saddam Hussein. You may not agree with the ways of Muslim leaders in the Middle East, but does that give you the right to invade my country? No! The United States Senate Democrats obviously agree with me. They are honorable people. The world should align behind the Democrats of the United States Senate who are trying to wrong one of the most terrible injustices in the history of the world. It is George W. Bush who must be brought to justice by the brave and honorable members of the Democratic Party in the United States Senate. Because leaders of the world and people of the world, I, Saddam Hussein, say to you that it is the senators, the Democrat senators in the United States Senate are all that stand between peace and bloodthirsty imperialism by the United States. May Allah bless the good and decent truth-tellers in the Senate who will not let George Bush continue his lies to his country and to the world! George Bush hides behind his faith, but he’s a liar just like these Senate Democrats are saying.
I, Saddam Hussein, from the bottom of my sizable heart, thank the Democrat senators in the United States and all of the websites that support them, and all of the Hollywood Democrats who are asking the Senate Democrats to continue this investigation. I thank all of the American media, because I think the American media is one of the last bastions of honesty and trustworthiness second only to the Democrats of the United States Senate. So I want to thank the mainstream media of the United States. I want to further point out that if my trial is not postponed — if I can’t get a postponement and if I can’t get a dismissal of the charges, and if I don’t get my country back — if there is a trial, I demand that I be brought to the US for trial, in a United States civilian court. I can’t get a fair trial in Iraq because it’s Bush cronies. I can only get a fair trial in the United States where liberal Democrats run the court system. They’re the ones doing the great work, the work of Allah, in order to maintain the lies of Bush and the distortions of the war. I want my country back. The United States does not recognize, the US court system doesn’t recognize the Geneva Conventions; they don’t recognize the due-process rights of illegal combatants like me or those held at Guantanamo Bay. John McCain and the Democrats wanted them tried under our justice system, and if illegal combatants are to be afforded with such treatment — if you’re going to give real terrorists the opportunity to be tried in your court system — I, Saddam Hussein, demand to be tried in your court system because I am covered under the Geneva Conventions, and I should receive better treatment. And, by the way, I wish to point out — and I know many people in the American ACLU will agree with me on this — I, Saddam Hussein, was not Mirandized by the soldiers who captured me. I was denied a speedy trial as compelled by the Bill of Rights in the US Constitution. The charges ought to be dismissed. They did nothing but point weapons to me in that foxhole. They didn’t tell me my rights! They didn’t tell me I had to shut up; they didn’t tell me anything I said could be used against me. I was lied to not only by Bush but the by the whole US military, by Rumsfeld. I was lied to by Condoleezza Rice. I can’t even count on Colin Powell anymore because he was part of the original cowboy cabal that kicked me out of my country.
If I get my trial in the United States of America as I so rightly deserve, I, Saddam Hussein, would like to call Dick Durbin as a witness because he would be able to testify that US troops are like Nazi storm troopers. He would be able to testify that US troops are no different than the murdering thugs of Pol Pot and the gulags of Stalin. I would next call Senator Kennedy who would be able to testify that US troops are no better than Hussein’s thugs — my thugs. I would call Michael Isikoff of Newsweek magazine. He would be able to testify how US troops mistreat prisoners by flushing their Korans down the toilet at G’itmo. I would do my best to get rid of Rush Limbaugh for turning Club G’itmo into Club G’itmo. It’s not a joke what’s happening there, and it’s not a joke what’s happening to me. I would also call Ambassador Joe Wilson, of course. He would be my star witness, because Joe Wilson would testify that I was not a bad guy; I was not somebody that posed a danger. I never once sought uranium from anywhere, because I didn’t have any weapons of mass destruction, and Joe Wilson knows it and his wife, Valerie Plame, knows it. And so, my friends, I, Saddam Hussein, throw in with the Democrats in the United States Senate. They are my allies, and until they finish their great and glorious work for Allah in uncovering the truth about the lies and the distortions of the cowboy Bush, I demand these trials of me be postponed and the charges dismissed — and I get my country back.