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“To the extent people are angry, it’s not because the government’s not doing enough. It’s because it doesn’t do enough right.”

“Obama’s friends and associates include a crook, Tony Rezko, a terrorist, Bill Ayers, and Jeremiah Wright, an anti-American racist. Spin it however they will, this all tells us something about the man and his politics.”

“It’s a godsend: Charlie Gibson actually asked Obama about the capital gains tax rate and how revenue goes up when it’s cut, and poor little Barack here got lost.”

“Rinnai Tankless Water Heaters are the way to heat hot water, and you can see how it works at ForeverHotWater.com. Look, if it’s good enough for the North Carolina mistress, it’s good enough for you.”

“Don’t try this at home. We who are great at what we do make it look easy. Everybody thinks they can do it, which is inspiring in its own way, but nevertheless, one has to know one’s limitations.”

“The 1984 San Francisco Democrat convention — I was there. It was my first ever political convention. I’m listening to this pure, anti-American tripe, and Tip O’Neill is sitting there like Jabba the Hutt.”

“If the Republicans want to win in a landslide, regardless of what the superdelegates do, they should just have somebody give my opening monologue here to Senator McCain.”

“Duncan, how do you spell your name? Oh. Mr. Snerdley spelled it ‘D-u-n-k-i-n’. I’m thinking: ‘We have a donut on the phone?'”

“Don’t do this to me! Hee, hee! Cheez Whiz… No, it’s not Silly String. It was body lotion! Ha, ha! Would you let me finish the story? I’m trying to provide as journalistically as possible the details, but I keep getting interrupted by the sick members of my own staff!”

“Klaus Nomi looks just like he sounds, folks. Trust me.”

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“Barack Obama can stop Operation Chaos. He can shut all of this down. But his window of opportunity is rapidly closing.”

“Mrs. Clinton has been doing this for a month now — talking about Obama’s relationship with Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ayers — and they don’t call her a racist, do they? No, only when Republicans do it is it racism.”

“This North Carolina ad and the McCain reaction to it — is this how you build support for your campaign within your party?”

“The charge of racism at any Obama critic is an attempt to intimidate and silence the critic. Well, I will not be silenced, and I’m not going to be intimidated by this.”

“Conservatism cares for people far more than liberalism ever could. Conservatism is interested in results, and that means people becoming self-sufficient, learning about their potential as human beings, and setting out on a path to realize it.”

“Which of you in thereis going to be the first to drive the new Malibu? Dawn’s going to be the first to drive it? How come Dawn always gets to be the first to drive the new car? Okay, because she’s a girl.”

“There is actually a special interest group oriented towards gender and equity issues in liquid biofuels. We live in a world of genuine nut crackpots.”

“By the way, it was a Belgian waffle Obama was eating — it wasn’t even an American waffle! I read that and was doubly offended.”

“Obama to this day — and I think this is a characteristic that is attributable to all elitists — doesn’t understand what he said wrong. When he was in San Francisco talking about the ‘bitter’ small town clingers — he believed that.”

“Rush Limbaugh, ‘making conservatism fun again.’ That was a very nice thing that that guy said.”

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“I’m contemplating a new phase of Operation Chaos: try to convince Republicans to cross over and vote for Senator McCain in November.”

“I have a McCain Stack that’s just… I don’t even want to do it. ‘McCain to Give Major Environmental Speech.’ I don’t even — I don’t even — I just don’t even want to — I just don’t even — let me get the Oil Stack here instead.”

“What you have to understand when you hear liberal Democrats or the media talking about the ‘Republican attack machine’ is the translation: ‘Damn Republicans! They’re telling the truth about us again!'”

“If you look at The Forehead — Paul Begala — head on, his head looks like the shape of an egg.”

“You think prices are high in the grocery store? Do you know what they are at the concession stand? They charge you ten bucks for a Vienna sausage they call a hot dog!”

“Regulations are simply chains on freedom disguised as ‘the government caring for us.’ It’s a crock!”

“We have cheaters in business, we have cheaters in prison, and we have cheaters on the school playground — little wheeler-dealer 12-year-olds who are ripping off their friends.”

“I can remember back in the ’70s there were these wacko scientists telling us we only had 30 years of oil left. Well guess what? It’s been 30 years!”

“The reputation that has been accrued to Mrs. Clinton is so incorrect, it’s embarrassing. She was never the smartest woman in the world. In fact, this is a woman who messed up everything she touched — from 500 FBI files to the Paula Jones case to health care.”

“I’m middle-aged now: 56 fiscally, 18 emotionally.”

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“The moral of the story is don’t take any prisoners.”

“Some reporter asked, ‘Senator McCain, why is it unimportant when the troops come back?’ He took a couple pauses, but you could just see he was ready to dive into that crowd and strangle that stupid reporter — which is something I would have applauded.”

“Hi ya, folks! How are you doing in the last remaining days of the United States of America as we have known it? I hope you’re doing well today. I hope you have some fond memories out there.”

“One of the things that really frustrates me about this Supreme Court ruling is that, if you read the coverage, it’s ‘a loss for the Bush administration.’ Wrongo, Drive-Bys: it’s a defeat for the United States of America!”

“Lorraine X, how are you? You’re in San Diego? Why are you not at the US Open and instead on the phone harassing me?”

“Yes, the union’s going to survive. The question is: What’s it going to look like?”

“What will happen to McCain’s beer distributorship if a Belgian firm buys Anheuser-Busch? We need beer security here! We’re just going to have to start drilling for more beer. I mean, we can’t become dependent on foreign beer.”

“I was once one of these people that looked at management and thought, ‘Gee, what a bunch of cold-hearted, cruel SOBs’ before I understood the variousbasics and realities of economics.”

“The Drive-Bys were Senator McCain’s base. He’s has to be saying, ‘What the hell happened? These people used to love me!’ They never did love you, Senator McCain — they used you because you were willing to go on their stupid little shows and rip your own party and president!”

“Golf and cigars go together like cake and ice cream.”

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“The new conservative ‘methaners’ are always looking for opportunities to advance themselves at the expense of the movement. They’d be the first to pounce if one of us had said what the Reverend Jackson did.”

“The followers of the Reverend Jackson have to wonder: Is a castrated messiah more effective than an endowed messiah? I can just see Chris Matthews asking his panel of experts if a high-pitched Obama could get the support of Hillary’s voters.”

“I have to issue a thanks. I mean, I have been getting gardenia-scented candles sent to me out the wazoo here ever since I mentioned them a couple of weeks ago. We’re fully scented here at the EIB Network.”

“Am I right, my friends? I am talking about you. You know I’m right; I’m right even when I think I’m wrong! That’s why my accuracy rating is documented to be almost always right 98.8%.”

“Poor Martha MacCallum on Fox is doing her roundtable discussion today, and there’s no men there. They’re talking about Jesse Jackson and his desire to cut Obama’s nuts out, and I’m thinking, ‘Finally! They have some people who have experience in what they’re talking about!'”

“I’ve just been made aware that Ralph Nader has sent me an open letter. I have read this letter, and I’m convinced that this is a plot designed to make Barack Obama look intelligent.”

“It could well be that Obama hasn’t got a set to begin with, if the Official Obama Criticizer’s translation for the EIB brothers and sisters in the ‘hood is to be believed — and I have no reason not to believe it.”

“Conservatism is a daily applied intellectual achievement or activity; liberalism is not. Liberalism is one of the most gutless choices you can make. I mean, you just sit around, you know, and feel bad about your country.”

“I was listening to some of the tunes on the radio at summer camp, and my parents were getting reports back that I wasn’t socializing with the kids. That’s damn right! They were out there kicking stupid balls around and avoiding cow chips!”

“We have not seen anything from Mrs. Clinton on this testicle comment from the Reverend Jackson, but I imagine she might feel her turf’s been invaded.”

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“Obama calls McCain ‘erratic.’ Well, I call Obama a squirrel. What’s a squirrel? Nothing but a rat with better PR.”

“You in the media have gearedup hate for this president and sought to convince the American people that their country is worthless. And now you dare say Sarah Palin should be ‘censured’ for bringing out the ‘worst in her supporters’? How about the worst in your readers that you bring out?”

“Obama’s not a Manchurian Candidate, but clearly he’s the guy that’s put the pretty face on a bunch of far leftist radicals who are going to work from the inside of this country to change it for the first time if he gets elected.”

“Obama is as left-wing a radical as the people behind him — he just can’t say it. But once he’s in power, then all of these radicals who you wouldn’t let into the coffee shop in your neighborhood will be officially inside the government doing their dirty work.”

“If Republicans can’t make Fannie Mae more costly to the Democrats than the Democrats made Iraq costly to Republicans, we may not have any business winning this. I mean, we’re talking Watergate times five or ten.”

“These are some of the meanest, most vile people in the country — the supporters of the Democrat Party and the Obama ticket. They are deranged, they are unhinged, and they are genuinely dangerous, but the media will only praise them as being ‘activists’ and ‘involved’.”

“The American dream has an entirely different definition to Democrats and liberals than it does to you and me. Their American dream is the United States becoming a full-fledged socialist country.”

“Senator McCain is on fire today in Waukesha, Wisconsin, because the audience is on fire! I just hope that this holds. I hope that Senator McCain later today does not denounce himself for ‘engaging in partisan attacks’.”

“You, Senator McCain, have a responsibility to defend this country and not just fulfill some dream you had eight years ago running for president against Bush. It’s time to start naming names and explain what’s actually going on, because the people of this country are dead scared about what we face if you lose.”

“Imagine trick-or-treating in a foreclosed neighborhood. How sad for the children.”

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“No wonder Obama is not helping out his aunt living in the slum in Boston and his brother living in the hut in Kenya — he expects us to!”

“I want to share with you some notes that I made for show prep while watching the Obama commercial last night: ‘Obama America: fat, poor people. Google billionaire lecturing about wealth. Mom has to ration milk because of high gas prices. Bad economy.'”

“It might surprise some of you to know this, but arthritis does happen to human beings who happen to live in America. However, The Messiah is going to lay his hands on these people and cure the arthritis as soon as he’s elected president.”

“As I was watching Obama’s infomercial and parade of victims, I said to myself: ‘Why don’t you people ration the Pepsi?’ ‘You are so mean, Mr. Limbaugh!’ No, I am not! I’m just not willing to accept this picture of my country because this is not my country!”

“You can say socialism is all about redistributing income, but what it’s really all about is controlling money, controlling people, and controlling liberty.”

“I have to go home now and do the thing I hate most in life: pay bills. It’s not the money, it’s the time. I just hate it! You see, there’s suffering in my house, too. Obama doesn’t know it, but there is.”

“Senator Obama, when you use the government to take what people have produced, that’s thug behavior. When you force the long arm of government into people’s bank accounts, that’s not charity. Sir, if there’s anybody who’s selfish in this race, it is you!”

“I still don’t have a gut feeling about this election, but my gut tells me that this country is not stupid enough to respond in a sycophantic way to the unfair, totally biased, unprofessional, and malpractice media we’ve had during this campaign.”

“I do not read comments on blog posts or websites because when you do that, you find out how dangerously insane a whole lot of people in this country are, and I value my sanity.”

“You know, some people put ‘screw me’ red nail polish on and go about the day.”

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“The government of Barack Obama doesn’t even like you.”

“Could it be that the pulse of revolution began today? What is apparent to me, ladies and gentlemen, is that President Barack Obama cannot kill the spirit of America — it cannot be silenced.”

“It’s Atlas Shrugged: the people who are making this country work are the targets, and the people who are the losers and slackers are the beneficiaries.”

“I love the Constitution. I hope it survives, but I have my doubts –because you people in the media areslaves to a demagogue symbol who you haven’t even taken five minutes to try to understand.”

“It’s like this mother that gave birth to the eight kids — the Octomom. She’s in foreclosure, but she was shopping today at Nordstrom. That’s who you are bailing out: you’re bailing out the Octomom so that she can go to Nordstrom’s.”

“Let me answerwhy it isso many liberal Democrats want to basically tear apart this country: because they don’t control enough of it to satisfy them.”

“Of all the things I thought I would hear in my life, I never thought that I would hear a communist warn us against doing what they tried.”

“I believe this administration wants chaos. Why else would you talk down the economy every day? Because when people are panicked, they want what? Immediate fixes.”

“I never thought that I would think the thoughts I have about any presidential administration that I have about this one. My father feared it, though; he warned my brother and me that this day would come if we weren’t vigilant.”

“Liberals don’t even try to improve themselves. They don’t think it’s possible! They’ve just been made comfortable to sit there and blame others for their shortcomings, failures, or misfortunes.”

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“The sad reality is that when political fixes don’t work, it’s good news for President Obama. It’s more chaos, and he feeds off the crisis.”

“The president told rich Hollywood donors last night that the economy is ‘back from the brink,’ and that we ‘ain’t seen nothing yet.’ That scares the hell out of me, I must tell you.”

“President Obama’s policies will not fail in impoverishing and enslaving more and more Americans the longer his policies succeed.”

“Robert Gibbs yesterday warned people like me to be very careful about what we say about Sonia Sotomayor, so I want you to turn your radio up because I’m going to have to whisper this. In fact, those of you who are in your cars, roll up your windows.”

“I have said in the past that militant environmentalism is the home of displaced communists, and it is. There’s no arguing it, folks! I mean, you can, but you would be assuming a losing proposition.”

“Nancy Pelosi said, ‘Every aspect of our lives must be subjected to an inventory.’ Fine, Madam Speaker. You go first. Let’s inventory every aspect of your life, Nancy. All of it. How many times do you flush a day? How much do you eat?”

“What if John Roberts, the current chief justice, had said that his rich experience as a white man would render more profound and better legal judgments than a Latina woman? He’d be toast! He wouldn’t even make the nomination!”

“There’s this ‘big tent’ business again. What is that? Would somebody give me the policies associated with a big freaking tent?”

“Gateway Pundit computed that 16,000 jobs a day have been lost under Obama, and yet Obama tells Democrats not to ‘rest on their laurels’. This is the arrogance and the condescension that comes from Barack Obama.”

“My mic wasn’t live when I just said what I said, was it? Whew! Good!”

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“You know, most people, when they read 1984, were scared. When Barack Obama read it, he started taking notes.”

“I’m thinking if I required every employee here at the EIB Network to wear underwear, I wouldn’t know how the hell to check it. Well, Snerdley, you just can’t make people drop trow.”

“I would not want anybody who would require payment to take care of their children to admit to being listeners to this program. It would mean, then, that this program is an utter failure in its attempt to inspire and motivate excellence and greatness.”

“All right. I’m going to do it. One day next week or the week after that I’m going to do an entire show without mentioning Obama or his policies. There is a way: just call him ‘Hugo’.”

“I’m going to tell you something, folks: this White House runs on polls, and that approval number is everything to them. That approval number, when it stays over 60%, is license to steal another industry.”

“Gerald Walpin could have gone on and split the scene, but he’s fighting back, and now we see that Obama may have painted himself into a corner. This is a great example of what can happen when you fight back.”

“Moderate Republicans are more interested in losing but still sharing power than they are doing what it takes to win, because winning requires confrontation, and they don’t want that.”

“What do you think Obama’s Cairo speech was about? He does not follow in the tradition of American presidents, who all stand up for liberty. No, this guy doesn’t want to offend the Muslim world.”

“What Julian Epstein is admitting here is that the Democrats are weak on national defense. So his strategy is to go out there say, ‘Hey, we’re closing Gitmo down because it’s a country club. Instead, we’re going to put those guys in some really tough places, like on the beach in Bermuda.'”

“I wonder if it was as good for Chuck Todd as it was for Obama. Seriously.”

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“Adolf Hitler put people in jail to lower the unemployment numbers. That’s how Dachau started.”

“The United States is a great nation at risk in a dangerous world. Our threats have always been external, but today they are internal. They are right in front of our face — and I’m not talking about Fort Hood, specifically.”

“Have you heard what we’re going to do with the unspent TARP money? We’re going to reduce the deficit with it. We’re going to borrow money to reduce the amount of borrowed money. It’s nonsensical!”

“I have an Undeniable Truth of Life: ‘Ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of force.’ But in Obama’s world, ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of speeches.”

“To fix this economy is so simple; even a left-wing, inexperienced little Marxist like Obama might be able to pick up a few things if he just took a couple of night classes on capitalism — maybe even read a Milton Friedman book.”

“I wrote an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal suggesting a bipartisan stimulus plan; maybe I ought to FedEx that up to Obama and Biden and Rahm Emanuel. I mean, Obama’s already tried his way — the political way — and it’s failed. So now let him try mine.”

“Months later, Obama’s holding a ‘jobs summit’ — after saddling the country with unimaginable deficit? You know, whether somebody sees Obama as a near-god or an anti-American boob, the results are always the same: failure.”

“It would have been heresy to make the following statement six months ago, but Obama is intent on eroding the economy so he can more easily transform it into a version of European socialism. There. I said it.”

“If we have militant Islamists in the United States military who are known and we’re looking the other way, you have to wonder: Is this just political correctness, or incompetence going on?”

“Of course I’ve heard of Chaffee, Missouri! My mother used to send me there on the bus. Back then you put little four and five-year-olds on the bus for an hour.”

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“Anybody who wants to interfere with the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness can screw off as far as I’m concerned. They have a fight on their hands.”

“Now, the reason that Katie doesn’t have a job might be because she’s obnoxious. It’s entirely possible. Human behavior is what it is.”

“Obama’s hair is turning gray because of the pressure? He’s losing weight because of the pressure, too? That’s the story? Well, it’s because he cares so deeply, you know? He cares so deeply.”

“Believe me when I tell you that Barack Obama and Eric Holder have the mentality of the ACLU, and remember: the original goal of the ACLU was to totally break down the US justice system.”

“Dr. Spencer just sent me a note, Snerdley, and he thinks that you put Katie up on the board to pay me back for chiding you for being late today. So now you’re going to have to give me another wacko because I just publicly admonished your lack of spelling correctness.”

“We used to be a country where your dreams were your only limit, but now dreams are more than likely just to be dreams if this administration keeps on doing what it’s doing.”

“I want to do much more than buy a newspaper in a failing business. I want to try to re-instill in people a sense of self-worth, the old can-do American spirit.”

“From Der Spiegel: ‘Climatologists are puzzled as to why average global temperatures have stopped rising over the last ten years. Some attribute the trend to a lack of sunspots, while others explain it through ocean currents.’ In other words, folks, they don’t know crap.”

“First we lose our homes, then our jobs, and soon we’re going to lose our health care. But Eggos? That’s not the America I know!”

“Jan, if I could hold you, I would, but you’re a continent away.”

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