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“McCain’s kind of like the Clintons in a sense: you tell the truth about them and they think it’s a personal attack.”

“I got an invitation to attend a screening of an HBO movie; I went last night and it was the usual New York entertainment crowd — a bunch of progressives. Sandra Bernhard stared icily at me, but everybody else was just nice as they could be.”

“John McCain, the leading Republican in the primary field right now, is attacking economics on the basis of class envy. That’s the kind of stuff that just rubs me raw, folks.”

“I saw Joy Behar last night and my strategery was: make the preemptive strike. So I walked over and gave her a huge hug and a little peck on the cheek. It became the talk of the night! You kill them with kindness.”

“Schwarzenegger just started talking about how we have to reduce carbon emissions to 1990 levels. Ain’t possible! We all exhale! And there are more of us. But beyond that, it isn’t possible.”

“Hillary Clinton says she can ‘control’ her husband. How many of you believe that? Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey, Monica Lewinsky… what kind of control is that?”

“No one should have to choose between dog food and medicine. And nobody should have to choose between a flat screen, high-definition TV and unemployment on Super Bowl weekend.”

“Nobody — nobody — gives me respect! Now I’m getting e-mail from people saying: ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about! 720p is much better for sports than 1080i.’ My eyes don’t lie, folks.”

“Senator McCain says that if we waterboard these clowns — these terrorists — we’re no better than our enemy. What do the troops think of that? Just throwing some questions out there, not trying to stir the pot. That happens naturally.”

“Lindsey Graham is certainly close enough to John McCain to die of anal poisoning.”

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“The new conservative ‘methaners’ are always looking for opportunities to advance themselves at the expense of the movement. They’d be the first to pounce if one of us had said what the Reverend Jackson did.”

“The followers of the Reverend Jackson have to wonder: Is a castrated Messiah more effective than an endowed Messiah? I can just see Chris Matthews asking his panel of experts if a high-pitched Obama could get the support of Hillary’s voters.”

“I have to issue a thanks. I mean, I have been getting gardenia-scented candles sent to me out the wazoo here ever since I mentioned them a couple of weeks ago. We’re fully scented here at the EIB Network.”


“Am I right, my friends? I am talking about you. You know I’m right; I’m right even when I think I’m wrong! That’s why my accuracy rating is documented to be almost always right 98.8%.”

“Poor Martha MacCallum on Fox is doing her roundtable discussion today, and there’s no men there. They’re talking about Jesse Jackson and his desire to cut Obama’s nuts out, and I’m thinking, ‘Finally! They have some people who have experience in what they’re talking about!'”

“I’ve just been made aware that Ralph Nader has sent me an open letter. I have read this letter, and I’m convinced that this is a plot designed to make Barack Obama look intelligent.”

“It could well be that Obama hasn’t got a set to begin with, if the Official Obama Criticizer’s translation for the EIB brothers and sisters in the ‘hood is to be believed — and I have no reason not to believe it.”

“Conservatism is a daily applied intellectual achievement or activity; liberalism is not. Liberalism is one of the most gutless choices you can make. I mean, you just sit around, you know, and feel bad about your country.”


“I was listening to some of the tunes on the radio at summer camp, and my parents were getting reports back that I wasn’t socializing with the kids. That’s damn right! They were out there kicking stupid balls around and avoiding cow chips!”

“We have not seen anything from Mrs. Clinton on this testicle comment from the Reverend Jackson, but I imagine she might feel her turf’s been invaded.”

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“You know, most people, when they read 1984, were scared. When Barack Obama read it, he started taking notes.”

“I’m thinking if I required every employee here at the EIB Network to wear underwear, I wouldn’t know how the hell to check it. Well, Snerdley, you just can’t make people drop trow.”

“I would not want anybody who would require payment to take care of their children to admit to being listeners to this program. It would mean, then, that this program is an utter failure in its attempt to inspire and motivate excellence and greatness.”

“All right. I’m going to do it. One day next week or the week after that I’m going to do an entire show without mentioning Obama or his policies. There is a way: just call him ‘Hugo’.”

“I’m going to tell you something, folks: this White House runs on polls, and that approval number is everything to them. That approval number, when it stays over 60%, is license to steal another industry.”

“Gerald Walpin could have gone on and split the scene, but he’s fighting back, and now we see that Obama may have painted himself into a corner. This is a great example of what can happen when you fight back.”

“Moderate Republicans are more interested in losing but still sharing power than they are doing what it takes to win, because winning requires confrontation, and they don’t want that.”

“What do you think Obama’s Cairo speech was about? He does not follow in the tradition of American presidents, who all stand up for liberty. No, this guy doesn’t want to offend the Muslim world.”

“What Julian Epstein is admitting here is that the Democrats are weak on national defense. So his strategy is to go out there say, ‘Hey, we’re closing Gitmo down because it’s a country club. Instead, we’re going to put those guys in some really tough places, like on the beach in Bermuda.'”

“I wonder if it was as good for Chuck Todd as it was for Obama. Seriously.”

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