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“The only thing decent about the seventies was the Pittsburgh Steelers and their four Super Bowls.”

“We went into Afghanistan a full year before Iraq, so if anybody tries to tell you that Iraq ‘didn’t attack us’, you tellthem it’s a regional effort — that Iraq is simply one battle in the war against terrorism.”

“A little quick question here, Mr. Snerdley: Do you know how many feminists it takes to change a bulb? That’s not funny! is the answer to that question.”

“This is why I could never be Oprah. She has made a career out of sitting around listening to whiners and then encouraging them to whine some more. I could never do that.”

“Life is hard — it has roadblocks, it has obstacles, it has liberals in it, and it has government. But the difference between liberals and conservatives is: We do whatever is necessary to get past these obstacles.”

“Frankly, I hated the seventies anyway. I just hated the music in the seventies! All this Seals & Crofts willowy little wimpy stuff… you can take that decade, boy, and just farm it out.”

“There’s a little joke running around the Internet about the title of Senator Kennedy’s memoirs — ‘Chappaquiddick: If I Did It.'”

“The Israelis are the most convenient whipping dog that the Arab states have: ‘The reason why the toilets aren’t flushing today is because of Israel.'”

“How in the world can thinking people spend ten years telling us that the sun is killing us, that cows are causing global warming — which is going to kill us — and then, after pummeling us with this, come back and tell us that our kids are getting rickets?”

“We conservatives are not whiners — we’re doers.”

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“I will bet my life’s fortune against Algore’s that what he predicts in 2030 will not happen.”

“You know, my parents raised me well and told me you’re not to make fun of people’s peculiarities, but as a highly trained broadcast specialist, I must admit I have never understood how somebody who can’t pronounce their L’s — Tom Browkaw — rose to the top of the news reporting business.”

“All these questions to Rudy about whether the NYPD was used to ferry his girlfriend around… What about the Secret Service ferrying Clinton’s girlfriends around? Why are those questions not asked?”

“Searcy, Arkansas happens to be where my sweet, blessed mother was born. It also happens to bewhere my mother met Margaret Thatcher. And it also is the case that Margaret Thatcher and my mother were born on the same day in the same year.”

“The problem with the Third World is not rich countries like us stealing from them — they have nothing to steal! We are not keeping them down; socialism, communism, and dictators are.”

“Let me just say it, shoutinghere from the mountaintops: I believe in God, and I believe in the God of creation. And, yes, there are some things on this planet that are dangerous, like the Colorado horn toad or whatever. If you lick it, you can have a hallucinogenic experience.”

“Hillary’s a ‘great uniter’? Really? Besides, what the hell is with being united? What the hell’s that? I don’t want to be united with libs — I want to beat them!”

“Death and destruction and martyrdom and the cause is such a wonderful thing, isn’t it? But you never see Bin Laden or Zawahiri or any of the others blowing themselves up. No, they’re not eager to get to heaven for the 73 virgins.”

“Did Iran really stop their nuclear program in 2003? We need the truth, and there’s only one man up to the task — a man who can go to Iran for three days, sit in the cafes, sip tea, and secure information — and that man is Joe Wilson, who can get to the bottom of anything except who sent him to Niger.”

“By the way, it’s my brother’s birthday today. Happy birthday, Dave! Hope he has a happy birthday. I’m giving him nothing. He doesn’t need it.”

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“Fox just asked: What role will Hillary take at the Democrat Convention? Her role will be to secure the nomination away from Obama. You watch.”

“Since I went deaf, I have this ringing tone in my ear all the time. I really think I’m hearing Gregorian chants all day long. Why it’s Gregorian chants, I couldn’t tell you. It’s just my own personal soundtrack and it’s in there for something.”

“You people at the Palm Beach Post — just like I told CNBC the other day — if you don’t get your act together over there and start reporting accurately, I’m going to buy your paper after I buy CNBC and shut it down, too!”

“They’re naming a little street after Larry King in Los Angeles on Thursday. I’m glad they do this for people before they die. You know, they do all this stuff for people after they have left us, and the honoree never knows about it, so good for Larry.”

“That’s a new one — this program promotes healthy marriages to boot. Why, thank you for that, Rafael. That’s an awesome thing for you to say!”

“It’s easy to sit around and do nothing if you think somebody’s going to take care of you, but none of those characteristics built this country.”

“We have a brand-new slogan for Select Comfort beds that we can incorporate into our next series of commercials: ‘Make your next Rush baby on a Select Comfort bed while you set your own firmness!'”

“Frankly, I’m a little tired of hearing Republicans tell us that they can’t win. I’m tired of Republicans telling us how many seats they expect to lose in the Senate, that this isn’t their year. BS! This year has been served up on a silver platter!”

“Remember Ronaldus Magnus talking about the shining city on a hill? Well, there is no shining city on a hill without domestic oil, coal, gas, and nuclear power. And there is no shining city with windmills, solar panels, compact fluorescents, and hybrids and ethanol.”

“Folks, do you know what the name of Madonna’s next tour is? The ‘Sticky & Sweet Tour’. I do not need to define that for the people in Rio Linda.”

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“Let me tell you the dirty little secret here, folks. When did Barack Obama get rich?During the Bush years!”

“Obama has no fundamental understanding of some of the most important institutions that have led to this nation’s greatness. All he has is anger about them, a disrespect for them, and a distrust of them because of how he has been educated.”

“I’ll tell you what this Troopergate’s all about: it’s all about the good old boys of Alaska being upset that a woman — Sarah Palin — has upset the applecart.”

“In military operations, football games, politics, or what have you, outcomes can never be assumed. You crush the opponent! You don’t let the opponent back in the game!”

“Liberals plot and scheme. I am convinced that when they dream, they telepathically are able to share their dreams with each other so that when they wake up in the morning the battle plan already happened while they were already asleep.”

“By the way, Obama has this giant fundraiser in Hollywood tonight; $28,500 bucks to get in, Barbra Streisand singing. Now, having this in the midst of a depression? How sensitive is that?”

“I didn’t want to go to college. I hated school! I would look out the window andsee the bread truck go by and say, ‘I wish I was driving the bread truck; at least I wouldn’t be in prison.'”

“What’s so funny in there? Oh, jeez, Dawn. Dawn just said, ‘$400 million is eight years’ worth of work for some people.’ Now, Dawn, that’s really unfair of you.”

“I can’t turn on a dime and buy into this whole dumping-on-Bush-as-a-way-to-promote-McCain thing because Bush isn’t on the ballot and Bush is not the enemy. He is simply not disliked in a personal way by people who are going to vote for McCain.”

“I want to know something: I want to know with whom Jamie Gorelick has pictures of with a goat.”

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