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“Mrs. Clinton has said, ‘We’re going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.’ Her pronouncements are scary, scarier, scariest.”

“MC-LEF gave me a first-time-ever award last night, but I can’t tell you what it is andI can’t show it to you. Loosely describe it? Hmm. It’s a guy thing, folks. It involves brass and a pair. You got it? Okay.”

“Charlie Rangel said, ‘At least the Clintons stay married.’ Yeah, Hillary stayed married for political advantage to a serial adulterer, who also committed sex acts with cigars in the Oval Office with a girl young enough to be his daughter. Does that not embarrass you, Democrats?”

“They say Mrs. Clinton ‘hasn’t had a scandal.’ If Norman Hsu is not a scandal, if the Chinatown story is not a scandal, if her illegal phone taps of ‘bimbos’ when her husband ran for president is not a scandal, perhaps the word ‘scandal’ is the new taboo.”

“What are you saying, John? Are you saying the Drive-Bys are exaggerating the California fires story? Now, why would you think they would do that? I mean, we had examples of accurate and truthful reporting during the disaster that was Hurricane Katrina — A-hem!”

“Big news, ladies and gentlemen. It’s a Reuters story, but we had to go to a Swiss website to find it: ‘Violence in Iraq has dropped by 70% since the end of June.’Ta-da!”

“The truth about the US economy on any given day of the week is that there has never been a country with this much prosperity, this level of a standard of living, and this kind of opportunity for all citizens. We are truly blessed.”

“This stupid cable is too damn long! I keep stepping on the damn cable! Almost ripped it out of the jack here just a moment ago! Uh, did I just lose my composure there? Did I say anything besides ‘stupid’? I said ‘damn’? Well, that’s all right.”

“As you know, your host is in the process of another mini-smear. It is centered around the false allegation that I attacked this 12-year-old kid, Graeme Frost. Yeah, we’re hoping Pelosi will send a letter about this, but she’s in deep doo-doo with her own people.”

“Mrs. Clinton said, ‘We’ve had challenges, as everybody in the world knows. But I never doubted that it was a marriage worth investing in.’ Okay. ‘Invested’? Does this sound like the language of love?”

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“The liberal mind-set is that all money is Washington’s. What you end up with at the end of the year is what they have decided to let you keep.”

“Dianne Feinstein said, ‘I saw a warm, caring human being’ in President Bush. How long has Bush been around as the president? Six years? Almost seven now? And Dianne Feinstein is just figuring out that Bush is a nice guy?”

“Mr. Snerdley has requested that I repeat my monologue on class envy. Perhaps I will, but I don’t want to do it today. Well, it does belong in every econ textbook in high school and college.”

“I often spend some time with these libs and just shoot the bull about things and generally screw up their world by giving them a view that they’ve never considered before. They’re always all amazed: ‘You’re such a nice guy!'”

“The media have made Barack Obama who he is, and there’s a lesson here, folks: Barack Obama needs to be very careful because when the media can make you, they can destroy you.”

“Stop the tape! You know, folks, does this guy — Harry Reid — not sound like a great replacement for Mr. Rogers? He’s explaining what happens during the autumnal season change as you would explain it to a bunch of five-year-olds!”

“It really, really bothers me when Margaret Thatcher — a true stateswoman, a genuinely solid and brilliant person — is compared to Hillary Clinton. You just did it, James, and you sickened me.”

“I don’t think I would ever associate ‘nurturing’ with Mrs. Clinton. Nurse Ratched did not nurture; she abused.”

“I’m not going to waste time arguing with you liberals. We move forward here on the EIB Network. I’m worried about my IQ; the more I talk to you liberals, the greater the risk I will lose some. I mean, I have plenty of IQ to lose and still remain superior, but I still don’t want to lose any.”

“Remember: The rich person only became rich through the willing participation of millions of others — except the Kennedys, who inherited it all.”

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“These Democrats can’t even manage their own primary and they want to manage, control, and ration your health care.”

“Now my computer is working flawlessly. I just wanted to take a moment to thank the people at Apple — I’m not going to mention the name of the specific engineer because, if I did, this guy would be taking heat for the rest of his career for helping me.”

“I’m convinced that Spitzer knew that what he was doing trying to ruin people on Wall Street was wrong, and yet he still did it. Why? Power. And it wasn’t just the desire to acquire it and hold it — it was an obsession to use it.”

“I once got back to the Mayflower Hotel and figured that my room was bugged by the Soviet embassy since Vitaly Churkin was going to be on my show the next day. So being the full-blooded patriotic American I am, I kept talking to the walls.”

“Obama was right about everything: He’s won more states, he’s won more delegates, and he’s won more of the popular vote. But there’s another custom in the modern Democrat Party, and it’s this: Whatever the Clintons want, they get.”

“Did you ever think that you would see the day where at least half the Democrat Party is dumping on these two — the Clintons? I never thought there would be this many Democrats alive to do it.”

“As long as Nancy Pelosi is Speaker of the House, she doesn’t want Hillary Clinton anywhere near the White House in any way, shape, manner, or form. Queen Bee Syndrome, folks. Trust me on this.”

“There’s no question arrogance is Spitzer’s number-one characteristic. I think he believes that he’s insulated from the standards that would apply to everybody else: ‘I’m a Democrat, the voters love me, New York needs me.'”

“You know why liberals hate Wal-Mart? It’s not because Wal-Mart’s not unionized. It’s because Wal-Mart has done more for the American people than the government and liberals combined have done by bringing products to people at prices that the middle and lower classes can afford.”

“I think political wives ought to get a prenup in the future: ‘You get yourself in this kind of public humiliation trouble, and I’m not going on stay with you.'”

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“Everything the Democrats are behind today is a fraud and a lie aimed at separating you from your freedom, your property, and your money.”

“I guarantee you that as we speak, the hoaxers and everybody involved in this global warming scam — from Algore on up — are plotting strategy on how to keep forging forward because there is a hell of a lot of money at the end of this train.”

“Dittocam viewers are effusive in their praise todayof the color of my shirt: ‘You look good in red out there.’ Actually, it’s more of a salmon color.”

“The left’s ideas are so hideous, are so insidious, so anti-free market, that they have to dress their ideas up in a phony cloak of compassion: saving the planet, saving the polar bears, saving the water, saving the earth, saving whatever it is. It’s infuriating.”

“In a real world, the media would be tracking down Algore, wherever he is, and demanding an interview. They would be demanding to ask him about the phony science and the hoax that he has built his postpolitical career on.”

“I know that liberals have to lie about who they are, what they believe, and what their agenda is. Look, what other movement needs a wordsmith to tell them how to say things which are not true, in order to make people believe them? Who the hell has people like that?”

“I have a job creation idea. Practically every textbook used in American education today is filled now with lies about global warming. Those textbooks are going to have to be destroyed and rewritten with the truth. Think there might be some jobs available there?”

“David Obey wants middle class households to pay 1% on top of their tax liability. I saw that and I thought, ‘Thank you, Lord, for our enemies.’ Let the concept of tax increases for people making 30 grand a year get tied with Velcro to the Democrat Party.”

“I can’t stand braggarts, arrogance, conceit, liars, and all that. But the one thing that really bugs me is when people in power knowingly manipulate the emotions of good, decent people for the express purpose of negatively altering those people’s lives.”

“This is a small man, folks. Obama is a small and petty, spoiled little man. This is a small, cold, petulant little man.”

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“The choice is between the death of America and America’s survival. That’s what we face with Barack Obama. Decline and collapse or growth and success.”

“It is just amazing how destructive Obama’s budget is for years and years and years. This is truly a problem.”

“Obama wants the government to be in sole charge of charity. He wants everybody thanking him for whatever philanthropy goes on in the country.”

“We’re gonna get to the point here where it’s possible that it will not be possible to fund our debt, even with worldwide investors buying it. There’s going to be that much of it.”

“I think Joy Behar needs one of these OhMiBods, one of these things that were put in the Grammy gift bags that you hook up there to your iPod.”

“Normally the most boring thing you could ever talk about as a talk host was the annual budget submitted by the president. I mean it was death to talk about it. In this case, it’s not.”

“This budget destroys the country, not just next year, but for the next ten.”

“I’m not trying to shock anybody for the express purpose of shocking you. If I didn’t believe it, I wouldn’t say it.”

“We all got mad at Republicans and Bush for what we thought was out-of-control spending. Those guys were saving money compared to what Obama’s doing.”

“Every Republican in Washington ought to be running to the nearest microphone and proclaiming Obama’s budget is dead on arrival, just as the Democrats did every year to George W. Bush and to George H.W. Bush before that. It is an abomination.”

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“The House Democrats are ripping up the Constitution, writing the longest suicide note in history, and calling it self-executing.”

“There are a lot of things about this country not to be proud of right now, but they’re not happening with the US military, and they’re not happening outside of Congress. They’re happening in Congress. It’s all inside.”

“I believe that if Pelosi could pass the Senate bill, she’d do that. But they don’t have the votes to pass the Senate bill and they’re probably not going to get the votes to pass the Senate bill.”

“The Democrats may be suicidal, and they may be willing to lose a lot of people, but Pelosi and Reid don’t want to get hurt. They’re happy to sacrifice other members of the Senate, primarily of the House. But they don’t want to suffer.”

“I very seldom doubt my own instincts. I mean, folks, even when I think I’m wrong I’m usually right. That’s how right on, spot on my instincts are.”

“It’s gotten to the point now where this is not even about health care reform. It’s all about saving Obama. Destroying one-sixth of the country is not worth saving Obama’s presidency.”

“What’s coming in the fall is the deceptively named net neutrality. The easiest way to understand this is to think of a Fairness Doctrine for the Internet.”

“When you consider what the expectations were and what the promise was, everything people thought Obama was going to be, that’s history now. He’s a total joke. But to say his party’s going to be running him, take a look at what’s happening here and it’s obviously the other way around.”

“They simply are on an unsustainable direction in New Jersey, and they, unlike the federal government, cannot print money. They have to do something about it.”

“If you’re not paying your own way and the taxpayers are paying your way, and we are bankrupt and broke, the taxpayers can’t keep paying your way.”

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