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“If you don’t like barbecue, you’re not one of us.”

“The left cannot accept the fact that Obama is dropping in the polls because of his radical views, because of his screw-ups, because of that ill-fated trip to Europe. No, no, no; can’t be any of that because he’s the perfect candidate! Blessed by God are we to have Obama in our midst (so says Nancy Pelosi)!”

“I also have a little bit of a desire for Obama to choose Evan Bayh as veep. Can you imagine the name of that ticket — Obama-Bayh? Bye-bye, Obama-Bayh!”

“MSNBC is replacing Dan Abrams with Rachel Maddow, a failed liberal radio talk show host with no proven experience garnering an audience at all. It’s gotta be humiliating to be replaced by someone who has more testosterone than you do.”

“Obama said yesterday, ‘McCain doesn’t know what he’s up against.’ I’m tell you what: Obama doesn’t know what he’s up against — and that is his past.”

“Obama lobbied for infanticide and doesn’t have the guts to admit when he’s wrong, for one thing. I think McCain not only knows who he is, he knows who and what he is up against when he sees the man child, Obama: pure arrogance.”

“We are not going to have a windmill farm on top of the EIB Building in Midtown Manhattan. Just not going to happen.”

“I know what Obama could say to explain the discovery of his half-brother who lives in a hut: ‘He’s my green brother.'”

“‘Olympic legend Michael Phelps will appear on boxes of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes, a cereal loaded with sugar. This has drawn sharp criticism from health experts worried about the message he’ll be sending to children across America.’ You know what message Michael Phelps sends to people? ‘Get off your ass and work!'”

“Heidi Klum, that great philosopher. I’ve read a lot of her work.”

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“We don’t have an addiction to oil any more than we have an addiction to wheat or soybeans. It’s a commodity, it’s in the market, and it is used.”

“I have an idea for Senator Hagel: Senator Hagel, why don’t you try to become a talk show host? Let’s see if you can make it in this world. Let’s see if you can handle the give-and-take of talk radio, since being a senator and having people criticize you is so difficult.”

“Did you know that today is World Toilet Day, ladies and gentlemen? No, we don’t get the day off, Snerdley. You know, normally I send greeting cards out on meaningful holidays, but I forgot that today was World Toilet Day.”

“Can you believe that, in California, the whole concept of marriage being something other than between a man and a woman was defeated? How can that be, if this country has moved so far left? Of course, the Mormons did it.”

“The reason we lost this election is not because we didn’t reach out; the reason we lost this election is because we did. We reached out and we compromised on our core beliefs.”

“The left doesn’t care about persuading anybody. They are thugs, and they will not tolerate defeat. Look at the senate race in Minnesota — they’re trying to openly steal that seat. Even the democratic process does not limit them.”

“I would just love to have as many Americans as possible, when there’s a problem, look to themselves first. But, man, we’re up against 50 or more years of brainwashing to convince people that the health of the government equals their personal health.”

“Yeah, Obama is the first black president, but that doesn’t give him a pass as far as what his ideas are. And if he gets into office and starts doing things that I think are damaging to the country, I’m going to say so.”

“All these pseudo-conservatives who want to now start looking at people the way liberals do, as female-Americans, African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, Wal-Mart Americans, NASCAR dads, soccer moms…. Why do we have to segregate the country this way in order to progress? Because it doesn’t cause progress at all.”

“I can’t make a fool of you, Senator Hagel. Only you can do that.”

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“It was always going to be the case that you were never going to get a tax cut, but now it’s official.”

“What the hell is ‘sacrifice’ when Americans’ earned income is being eaten away by taxes? The American people are more than sacrificing! The American people are being made to sacrifice for this man’s presidency!”

“Would somebody tell me the last time you saw a kid sleeping under a bridge? I want to hear from somebody who’s seen it!”

“I got e-mails from people last night: ‘Rush, Rush, Rush! Did you see how the press was finally tough on Obama?’ I got so frustrated; I wanted to shout back at these people, ‘Would you stop looking for validation in the wrong places?'”

“We have 8.1% unemployment on its way to 10%, and the government keeps hiring. This is being done on purpose. It is a purposeful restructuring of a free market society to a socialist society.”

“People always ask me, ‘Where can I go to find the intellectual truths of conservatism?’ I’ve always had a book list that I give them, but Mark Levin’s book is now a one-stop shop.”

“Libs think that men exchanging goods and services freely is greedy, but it’s not — it’s liberty! In fact, it is the liberals who are practicing greed today by bankrupting the country for their own causes.”

“As I’ve always said, you’ll never find a book in the library called, ‘Great Moderates in American History,’ and one of the reasons is because moderates are not passionate. The most passionate they get is when attacking traditional conservatives.”

“It is not presidential for the president of the United States to stand up and denounce a single company like this for the express purpose of creating a mob mentality, but this is his life. What do you think a community organizer does?”

“Frankly, I don’t know why you wouldn’t just get a Mercedes S65 if you’re going to get an S600, but to each his own.”

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“Ladies and gentleman, I, Rush Limbaugh, live in Barack Obama’s head rent free.”

“Maybe we ought to start putting stickers on journalists’ foreheads — something like, ‘Obama-approved journalist’. Or, how about at the end of every story, ‘I’m Barack Obama, and I dictated this story’. Well, that’s what’s happening in American journalism today.”

“Obama is Van Jones, is Ron Bloom, is Anita Dunn. He just knows that if he spoke like they do, he’d be toast.”

“Senator Charles Grassley thinks that the Health and Human Services website may contain propaganda. Folks, can we just save some time here? Everything from this administration is propaganda!”

“When will this president put aside his Max Headroom ego, his arrogance, his political agenda, and do just the right thing?”

“I was swinging the club so hard yesterday thatmy abs, when I woke up this morning, felt like I had been doing sit-ups. What, Snerdley? He’s asking me how I know what sit-ups feel like. Because I had to do them when I was in high school, Snerdley!”

“Telling the Obama administration to stop their enemies list? Don’t make me laugh! That’s like telling the KGB to stop spying on people!”

“I will be honest with you: early on in my star-studded career, I wanted to be the smartest guy in the country. I’ve succeeded, but it’s depressing because I am surrounded by pure idiocy.”

“I’m still mad at the damn phone system, but I just want you all watching on the Dittocam to know that I was not mad at Gina. This is why I do not like cameras; a radio show is to be heard, not seen.”

“Do you realize what an idiot you’ll become with even casual exposure to CNN? Whereas if you listen to this show, you can’t help but get smarter.”

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“I think Obama’s actually looking forward to Republicans running the House so that when 2012 comes along, he can run against them rather than his own party.”

“Marx has literally, single-handedly been responsible for more murder than any organized criminal you could name.”

“Maybe President Obama would prefer that I use more Christian-sounding terms to describe him. So how about ‘the Immaculate Deception’, or, ‘the Teleprompter Messiah’?”

“Many people’s first experience with the Golden Rule is actually like that of my brother, David. He told me that he first heard of the Golden Rule when he opened up a fortune cookie.”

“If Obama wants his religion discussed, we’ll be happy to oblige. And when we finish with that, we’ll go back to shellacking his economic policies. We don’t get diverted here.”

“Imam Obama might be a little provocative. But Ayatollah Obama — why not?”

“Folks, no matter what happens with this election, even if this is a huge clean sweep, this is just the first of manyelections that are going to be required to slow this ship and eventually turn it around.”

“If you believe in socialism, you’re stupid. There’s evidence it doesn’t work.”

“You hear what Chris Matthews said the other day? Chris Matthews said that the reason businesses are sitting on all this cash is to artificially depress the economy so as to hurt Obama. I know he’s an idiot, but that’s what he said.”

“You know, I like stormy weather. It’s kind of cozy.”

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“Forget pro versus amateur. It’s real versus phony. It’s the people who make the country work versus the people who live off the people who make the country work.”

“So first they came for your trans fats, but nobody said anything. Then they came after your salt, but nobody said anything. Then they came after your Coke and Pepsi and 7-Up, but nobody said anything, and now they’re coming after your potatoes.”

“Lawrence O’Donnell and Bill Maher epitomize the ugliness of liberalism, and they are stupid and smug about it at the same time.”

“I’ll never forget something from when I was a kid: The day Ernie Banks retired from the Chicago Cubs. They televised it from Wrigley Field, and the first thing he said was, ‘I want to thank God for making me an American.’ I have never forgotten that. Ernie Banks.”

“What I’ve never understood is people who want to equalize society by lowering everybody rather than by elevating people. Well, I do understand it, but it’s still sick.”

“So they can’t find any Port-A-Potties for Stewart and Colbert’s rallies. Actually, this could be helpful: the attendees can go ahead and crap in their pants as practice for what’s going to happen on Election Day.”

“Reagan survived and prospered in Washington because of his sunny disposition, and Reagan really had what I would wish for a lot of people: He really didn’t care what people said about him.”

“People ask, ‘Why don’t you run for office?’ I don’t want to. I don’t want to even subject myself to it. I would become cynical.”

“I actually think that every network ought to televise these Stewart and Colbert rallies. I can’t think of anything better to get out the Tea Party vote than having the ordinary American voter mocked by a bunch of stupid (and smug-about-it), overpaid, metrosexual comedians.”

“What’s apparent to me, your loyal, devoted host, ladies and gentlemen, is that President Obama cannot kill the spirit of America. It cannot be silenced.”

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“I go in cycles. Some days, I think it’s all lost and hopeless, and other days I think we have a chance to reverse this stuff.”

“Let me tell you something. I have given back to my country and to my fellow citizens more in one year than you are ever going to earn in your worthless life, Mr. New Castrati. And if you ever get famous, we’ll do a parody of you, too, because it would bring in big time yucks.”

“You won’t find little sniveling brats like our last caller on the golf course — which is why I go there.”

“California is spending $40 milliona day to pay people not to work, and those people are going to be the first ones to bitch to high heaven if there are any kind of budget or service cuts.”

“CNN, you are as big a bunch of commie libs as MSNBC is — you just go through the motions of trying to pretend that you’re not.”

“Governor Schwarzenegger said that nobody’s going to care if you smoke a joint in California. Probably true, but try lighting up a cigarette and see what happens to you.”

“If Cal Ripken wanted to join some movement to ban my lightbulbs, I wouldn’t care that he had played in over 2,000 baseball games. He has no business banning my lightbulbs!”

“I’m already irritated and agitated today. I feel like I’ve been worked over by a community organizer.”

“We have a bunch of people who have lost their manhood, have lost their guts, who are falling prey to all this hoax climate change garbage, and we’re making policy to appease these people who produce literally nothing.”

“It’s like with anything else: if you want less of it, you tax it. So if you want fewer stupid Californians, you raise taxes on them.”

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“If the government were a person, we would consider it a bum, a failure, a troll living underneath the bridge – somebody that can’t get a job, can’t hold a job, can’t live within its means. All it can do is ask for another handout. The government’s a bum.”

“If you had to pass a course in this health care stuff to get out of prison, nobody would ever commit another crime.”

“I can see the headline: ‘Limbaugh Urges Christmas Cutoff for the Unemployed; No Toys for the Kids, Talk Host Says.’ Yeah, let them try that. Nobody can get that from that I just said here.”

“You know, Julian Assange had better hope that Hillary Clinton never becomes president, because if she does, he’s going to have to spend the rest of his life sleeping with his eyes open.”

“I think Hillary was spying on people at the UN because she was looking for information to blackmail people to fund-raise for the Clinton Library and Massage Parlor. You know damn well I’m right about this!”

“I have to admit that I didn’t know until just now that ants crawling on Jesus was gay love. Did you?”

“What is there to hate about Norman Rockwell? Very simply answered question: classic Americana. If you hate Norman Rockwell, you hate the flag. If you hate Norman Rockwell, you hate biscuits and gravy. If you hate Norman Rockwell, you hate your grandmother.”

“The Saudi king said to Obama, ‘What are you going to do about Iran?’ To which I would have said, ‘You have $60 billion worth of armaments — what are you going to do about Iran?'”

“Look at that: ‘Experts Question if NASA has Found Extraterrestrial Life.’ What’s the question? Go to New Orleans, look up James Carville. Question answered.”

“Folks, that’s it for today, but as you know, the program never ends; we just have to take 21-hour break. We’ll be back here tomorrow to pick it up right where we left off: women caught trying to hide stolen goods in their fat rolls on airplanes.”

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