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“I have a straight-up question. How in the world can I not be TIME’s Man of the Year?”

“I’m actually thinking of suspending the term ‘El Rushbo’ today because a lot of illegal immigrants in New York might be rather bothered. Well, Eliot Spitzer has angrily withdrawn his plan to give driver’s licenses to them.”

“Liberals’ arrogance and elitism will not permit them to accept the fact that their ideas are no good. There has to be somebody to blame, and who is it? It’s always me.”

“Mr. Snerdley just asked me over the IFB, ‘Is there anybody upset over this writer’s strike?’ It’s an interesting question, but I don’t see the public marching outside David Letterman’s or Jon Stewart’s studio demanding fresh shows.”

“I’m a very humble person; I don’t even think of my power. I don’t come in here consciously wielding it, and I don’t ever consider it to exist. I just do what I love.”

“In every instance in this illegal immigration business — be it the amnesty bill this past summer, the wet DREAM Act, or this driver’s licenses sham for illegals — where the informed people of this country made a difference, it shows.”

“What’s wrong with Bear fans? Chicago is a great sports town. The fans show up and support losers all the time.”

“Read George Washington’s first Thanksgiving proclamation. I defy a liberal to do it and stay sane. I mean, it must mention ‘God’ in it 30 times. That alone would put them off.”

“Al-Qaeda has been run out of Baghdad. We have Petraeus representatives going to sit down with Mookie al-Sadr. The word ‘victory’ is starting to show up on certain people’s lips. This scares Harry Reid all to hell.”

“It started on October 30th, and today is November 14th. So just over two weeks, and the driver’s licenses for illegals issue is dead. And once again, it’s because of me. Ain’t it great?”

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“Mrs. Clinton says Dr. King wouldn’t have gotten anything done if it weren’t for LBJ. Well, then why isn’t LBJ Day a national holiday?”

“Press release: ‘Hillary Clinton, joined by New Jersey governor John Corzine and Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm, will discuss solutions for the American economy.’ Absurd! She’s going to discuss how to improve the economy with two governors whose states are fiscal basket cases?”

“I want some of you to check and see if your property tax every year is higher than what you’re paying for health insurance. Yours isn’t, Brian? Well, you must live in a dump.”

“There’s a big difference between the Clinton women and Romney women: The Romney women know they don’t have a chance of sleeping with him.”

“If you watched even 30 minutes of the Democrat debate last night, I guarantee that you’ll need to go get your blood sugar checked today because you might be diabetic: It was that syrupy sweet.”

“The reason I love Ronald Reagan is because he came along and applied conservative principles –and they worked! And do you understand how frustrating it is to have people in our own party besmirch it?”

“The New York Times today: ‘No GOP Anchor in Sight.’ There’s a reason for that: The GOP anchor is on the radio.”

“This is what working at the New York Times does to conservatives: It waters them down, it neuters them, and it makes them think they need to seek the approval of all the other liberals in town.”

“Media Matters — the Clinton front group — sent out a piece claiming that I used the word ‘spade’ in my monologue on Monday, knowing full well that it was Hillary who said Obama hadn’t done the ‘spadework’ necessary on foreign policy! Ha! It was delicious!”

“We have decided to come up with a name for you babes out there who are smitten with Mitt Romney: ‘Mittens.'”

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“Obama is not inspiring people to believe in themselves; he’s inspiring people to believe in him, and that’s a significant distinction.”

“I did a little Q&A interview today with Jay Carney at TIME Magazine, and I’m talking to the New York Times today. I may even talk to the New York Times Magazine next week! Just call me McCain today: I’m reaching across the aisle.”

“Chris Matthews felt a thrill go up his leg when Obama spoke? Which way did it go on the leg? Up or down?”

“That last call was so obviously a plant; he said he learned a lot and was inspired by Reagan in high school. My friends, name for me a high school anywhere in this country that, A, teaches anything about Reagan, and B, teaches anything good about Reagan.”

“Fast Eddie Rendell, governor of Pennsylvania. Actually, it’s Eddie ‘Don’t Call Me Fast Eddie’ Fast Eddie Rendell.”

“Hats off to Senator Obama: He showed up for the FISA bill and voted against it. In so doing, he demonstrated that he is not fit to lead this country as commander-in-chief. But at least he showed up and told the country he’s incompetent.”

“Partisanship is fabulous. Partisanship is driven by principle and devotion to ideals. Bipartisanship is only heralded as something wonderful because liberals win when there’s bipartisanship.”

“There’s all kinds of Apple-Mac blogs, and they hate the fact that I’m a Mac guy. One guy wrote on a blog: ‘May you see the spinning beach ball of death for the rest of your life.'”

“Barack Obama makes my leg tingle when I hear him speak. Barack Obama will end the designated hitter rule. Barack Obama will establish a college football playoff once and for all so we will genuinely have a champion. Barack Obama will offer free beer on Fridays.”

“To paraphrase Bill Clinton, no hearing on steroids in baseball ever fed a hungry child.”

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“I know that the liberals will resent my contract, but I don’t resent it. I earned it! And if Obama becomes president, I won’t keep much of it.”

“For the most part what you’ve read about my contract is true, but I want to say a couple things: it’s actually a pay cut, because I was projecting much more. And since I didn’t get what I was projecting, I’m looking at this not as a raise, but as a cut.”

“There is a battle for the heart and soul of the United States of America, and the battle has one side that wants to tear down the traditions and institutions that have made this country great and reorder them so that they canfeel better about themselves.”

“You know what that New York Times picture of me says? That picture says dark, sinister, confident, dangerous. And if you look at the eyes in that picture, it also says something else –two words. No, not ‘Tony Soprano.'”

“It seems like every day or every week, one of these two candidates is asking for somebody to be repudiated or denounced or renounced. Come on, guys; this is the major leagues!”

“I really like hearing myself because I love saying what I believe, I love being right, and I love hearing myself be right in saying what I believe. You should try it.”

“There’s no way I can ever adequately say ‘thank you’ in a way that expresses the depth of emotion I actually feel about it. Our bond is just phenomenal, and it’s unique and it’s incredible. And that bond is what makes me want to continue to do this.”

“CNBC, if you keep this up — if you keep putting on inane, ignorant people who have no understanding of how media works to discuss me — I am going to buy your network and start doing things right, or else shut it down!”

“When you are too stupid and don’t live the way liberals want you to live, then you embarrass them in the eyes of the Europeans. And our elite, effete-snob Drive-By Media leftists do not want to be embarrassed in the eyes of the Europeans!”

“I must tell you that I will be out tomorrow. That’s right: sign the Contract for America, and then take a day off.”

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“The bailout bill could help McCain’s campaign, but he’s letting it be used as cover for the people who caused this. This isn’t straight talk.”

“Gwen Ifill doesn’t sound like she’s too excited here. She said, ‘[Sarah Palin] belittled Barack Obama at every opportunity.’ Grow up, Gwen! It’s a political contest! Obama is a man-child! He deserves to be belittled and he deserves to be defeated!”

“What if Obama wins and puts Franklin Raines in there as treasury secretary? How’s he going to ‘preserve economic growth’? Besides, if somebody had figured out the trick to that, there would never be any downward cycles, would there?”

“I were Palin, after the first question that Gwen Ifill asks tomorrow night — I don’t care what it is — I would start out with, ‘By the way, Ms. Ifill, congratulations on your new book on the Obamas.'”

“Name names! How do we know that Senator McCain will root out corruption if he will not call for Barney Frank and Chris Dodd’s resignation now? How do we know he’ll stop mindless government spending if he won’t vote against it now?”

“Obama creates false scenarios to explain his inactions, and if things go well, he takes credit for leadership, and if nothing gets done, he blames the Republicans. The guy is a fraud, and he’s a squirrel.”

“The Republicans are the fire department. We keep trying to put out the fires when the house is burning, but the Democrats always say, ‘It’s not burning! You don’t see any flames there! What are you talking about? You just are racists!'”

“I take you back to the preamble of the United States Constitution where it says ‘protect’ the general welfare, not ‘ensure’ it. Folks, there’s a word for this bailout bill; it’s called, ‘socialism’.”

“We all knew the Drive-Bys were going to try to destroy Sarah Palin, and we all know why: she’s not one of them. It’s just like how they had to destroy Clarence Thomas because he didn’t go through the liberal prescriptions to get where he is.”

“Liberals are destroying people’s lives — they’re robbing them of the opportunity to use the freedom and the prosperity this country offers to make something of themselves. They’re turning people into serfs.”

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“If you’re undecided, what are you waiting for? What do you not know that you think you’re going to learn in the next three weeks?”

“I’ll tell you something else: the American people do not need lectures from Harvard professors telling them thatthey are racist unless they vote for Obama. That crap might fly in the Harvard faculty cafeteria, but it doesn’t fly in real America.”

“I get home, I turnon the debate, and the first thing I see is Tom Brokaw. I thinking I’m watching the movie Cocoon, here: ‘Where’s the swimming pool?'”

“Obama said health care is a ‘right’. Well, why isn’t food a right, then? I would say that we need food on the daily basis far more than we need health care. I mean, if you don’t eat, you will die and the buzzards will get you.”

“Listen to this carefully; Mr. Snerdley, I want you to hear this, too: We’re going to have to drag Senator McCain over the finish line, and then we’re going to have to deal with what he does in the Oval Office ourselves. That’s how this is going to have to work.”

“Jean, what makes you a racist is, A, you live in North Carolina, and B, you’re a Republican.”

“Remind me again: Why do we even need a Constitution now? The individual is no longer the foundation of the country; that’s what this bailout is telling us.”

“As I said yesterday, people are focusing on Obama, and they are not comfortable with him. They not comfortable with his Mr. Cool attitude and his growing cockiness, and they’re not comfortable with his terrorists friends. People don’t like terrorists.”

“Some of the stupidest people I’ve ever seen are these ‘undecideds’ who show up at focus groups. They have their little dials and they’re doing all this tweaking… You get nauseous watching those graphs! Where’s the Pepto-Bismol?”

“So Obama says that if we just keep our tires inflated, we’re going to hurt the KGB. Those tire gauges kick ass, folks!”

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“With the Democrats willing to single-handedly drive this economy into the ditch, the last thing the Republicans need to do is be on the train.”

“Rod Blagojevich poked his finger in two eyes… and won! The most corrupt Democrat governor in the country (that we know of) beats the United States Senate and the president-select! This has to have been worth it for old Blago!”

“If you’ve ever seen a road crew taking a break — no, that’s common — if you’ve ever seen a road crew working to repair your interstate highway, then you know what kind of money is being wasted here in this never-ending ‘stimulus’ expenditure.”

“News out of Australia: ‘Fat butts have been scientifically proven to be a sign of good health.’ Somebody call Oprah, because she doesn’t listen to me.”

“Larry Flynt has asked for a $5 billion bailout because the porn industry is hurting. Well, why not bail ’em out? If America is undersexed, we have to do something about that because it can lead to other problems down the road.”

“Everybody wants something positive, so I’ll give you something positive: I think the Democrats are in big trouble in 2010. The president-select is assuring us trillion-dollar deficits right now — this should open some eyes.”

“What I’m hearing from the Republicans is, ‘Let’s give Obama a chance. Let’s not be critical.’ Every Republican with the ability to be honest knows full well where all of this is going to lead: socialism, collectivism.”

“Remember what the car companies were told? They were told by the government to put together a plan that showed how they would become solvent. Well, where’s that same plan to make the United States solvent?”

“We know that public works spending does not work. Actually, I take it back. It does work: It empowered the Democrat Party with unbeatable majorities in the House and Senate for 40 years. It worked like a champ for FDR.”

“When Caroline Kennedy was eating lunch with Sharpton at Sylvia’s, she was chowing down with her mouth wide open. It was almost like Popeye eating spinach.”

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“Obama wants to reward doctors for quality, not quantity of work? It’s good for him the election was decided on quantity, not quality of voters.”

“This is a guy with a five-minute career. He served 150 days in the senate. Before that, he taught people in Chicago how to agitate. And now he’s going to sit in judgment of how well doctors do their work? The hubris is just shocking.”

“Arianna Huffington was a former cosmetics purchaser at department stores. For herself. I don’t mean to stock stores, I mean she depleted stores of cosmetics for herself.”

“I’ve always had a dream of owning a team in the NFL, but if I could buy the White House and the US Capitol building as an act of patriotism to save my country, wouldn’t that be cool, too?”

“Blue Dog Democrats are, at the end of the day, Democrats, and when push comes to shove, Pelosi will bring them in there — perhaps with Rahm Emanuel sitting in her office — and she’ll say, ‘You guys like being members of Congress?'”

“This man, Obama, doesn’t have any experience with being criticized or laughed at. He’s led a charmed existence on a pedestal. And now all of the magic that he has had is falling apart on him.”

“Did you catch what this Roth b-i-itch said at the beginning of this bite? Mimi Roth, who nobody has ever heard of, is now the sole authority on what you ought to be doing? I tried to warn you people!”

“Again, most everything our beloved president is saying about health care is not true. ‘Retool’? That’s just a not-so-fancy word for ‘switching the lies’.”

“When Fox finally put Geraldo on, that’s when I knew that Michael Jackson was dead. But now I’m wondering: Who really is the grim reaper? Is it Obama or is it Geraldo? Or is it maybe both? One guy arranges an untimely death, the other guy covers it.”

“Busybody little nannies… I detest those people! I detest them! They are standing in the way of our country’s rebound and economic growth. They are parasites.”

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