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“Bill is putting himself out there as a third-term president who’s not on the presidential ballot. This is not about Hillary anymore.”

“This is not going to amuse Sheryl Crow: ‘A bride getting married in toilet paper — two ply, extra soft toilet paper — plans to get hitched on Wednesday in a public restroom.’ That’s bad news for the guy, because we all know you’re never supposed to squeeze the Charmin.”

“What did you say, Snerdley? ‘Are they faking it?’ A typical question from a typical sexist and misogynist, Mr. Snerdley: ‘Are the female monkeys faking it’.”

“Dan Abrams’ middle name is ‘Notice Me’. But, Dan, you have to be careful: when you want me to notice you, I’m going to notice you, and when you’re an idiot, I’m going to mention it — and you’re an idiot.”

“Headline: ‘Warming Could Wipe Out Scotch.’ To hell with Greenland melting, but, boy, if something happens to scotch… In this case it would be the Kennedys hardest hit.”

“You wouldn’t believe the call that Snerdley actually wants me to address: somebody wants my thoughts on Britney Spears’ 16-year-old sister getting pregnant. Snerdley, why don’t you put a couple of Paris Hilton calls up there?”

“You know what I want to hear, Maimone? I want to hear Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire by Jrgen Jrgensen before the program is over.”

“New York Times today: ‘Did the Clinton team in Iowa wait too long to try to humanize Hillary?’ To ‘try’? Meaning, it requires an effort?”

“You have to know — as I do — how to parse the words of Bill and Hillary Clinton and their advisors. Bruce Lindsey: ‘Bill Clinton has not blockaded the release of a single document.’ That’s true. He’s blocked the release of 2,600 documents.”

“I got here in New York on Sunday, and it was like a mother-in-law convention: it was icy and it was cold to boot.”

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“I wonder if liberals would think that McCain is qualified to be president if he had been a ‘community organizer’ at the Hanoi Hilton.”

“Remember back when the East German women were men and taking all kinds of steroids and had mustaches? And the Soviet hockey team was actually a bunch of army guys armed with pistols? Those were the good old days of the Olympics.”

“When you’re a community organizer in Chicago working for a corrupt voter registration unit called ACORN, this is what you do: you try to divert attention with emotional appeals and rants.”

“I knew a lot of other guys who were deejays, and some of them had low standards and didn’t care what the groupie looked like — they just wanted the feedback and the ego thrill. That was not me. I had much higher standards.”

“A little story from LiveScience.com: ‘People with voices deemed sexy and attractive tend to have greater body symmetry, upon close inspection.’ Who got to do the close inspection?”

“I know liberals. I know them. I know what they’re going to say before they say it, I know what they’re going to do before they do it, and I know how they’re going to explain their failures when their ideas don’t work.”

“I guarantee you, if I had Obama on here for a conversation, all that would happen is that people who listen to this program regularly would get mad at me for going soft and not trying to destroy the guy, because I’m a polite person.”

“Nasty, nasty choice of words to describe our friends the Saudis, Mark. Very nasty. I thought a little bit here about letting it go, but, you know, my decorum and my cultural instincts said we had to bleep that.”

“The government is now going to make sure that if you borrow money from a mortgage broker to buy a house, you have to be able to prove you can pay it back. This government is heartless, isn’t it? Just absolutely cold-hearted, cruel SOBs!”

“The difference between me and others with a sexy voice is: everybody knows I have a great face to go along with it.”

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“Make no mistake, my fellow Americans: A Barack Obama victory is a victory over the American people.”

“I do remember reading that the highly educated are the most susceptible to being hypnotized, so that would put me in the risk group, ladies and gentlemen. And yet, I’m going to watch Obama tonight.”

“The guy that scores the touchdown and starts gloating and taunting other people…. People watch that and say, ‘I hope that team loses.’ People love people getting comeuppances, and I think people are going to say, ‘Okay, Obama, we see a little overkill here.'”

“Barack Obama speaks the language of the socialist. He peddles class warfare. He peddles human envy. And this is not what American leaders do. This is the tactic of the authoritarian.”

“Your best resource is not somebody else. I don’t care if it’s your parents, I don’t care if it’s your family, I don’t care if it’s your president: you’ll end up having to do it. If you don’t do it for yourself, nobody else is going to do it for you.”

“If you do watch Obama tonight, here’s the sign that I want you to make for your TV: ‘Do not be hypnotized. You are listening to a socialist.'”

“They who actually use our freedom are those who prosper. They are the ones who overcome. Meanwhile, those who sit around and wait for a resource other than themselves to lift them up are going to be forever waiting.”

“If you, as a voter, have rejected liberalism once in your life, you have a duty to reject it at every opportunity you have. I mean, liberalism is a demonstrable failure. It is a system that creates as much misery as possible under the guise of creating compassion and hope.”

“Imagine, folks, if you talked to your girlfriend the way Democrats talk about America: ‘Honey, I love you, I really do, but God, I really hate your life history! Some of the people in your family… I actually think because of your family you’re a rotten racist homophobe.'”

“I don’t know — what is a ‘structural feminist’? One who needs an IED or an IUD or something?”

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“I made the comparison to Jimmy Carter long ago, saying that Obama would be his second term, only worse. But where Carter was a bumbling old fool, this guy’s doing it on purpose.”

“Snerdley, I appreciate that you want to try to find liberal callers, but can you find some that are not filled with cliches? Then again, maybe it’s impossible.”

“After what I’ve read of this Woodward book, and the way it describes Obama and his whole regime, you have to ask: Do they even care?”

“You know, when Obama kicked the Churchill bust out of the Oval Office, we knew then. I mean, it’s right in front of our face who this guy is, what animates him, what informs him, what motivates him.”

“Lady Gaga’s making more sense on ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ than anybody in the Democrat Party, and she makes no sense.”

“If Obama had no choice and the truth would come flowing out of his oral cavity, and this were an interview being watched by all Americans, I’d ask him, ‘Why are you doing this?'”

“The ChiComs… forget their authoritarianism — they’re not burdened with 15 years of regulations to build a nuclear power plant. They don’t have to go through every other wacko leftist group in order to build a freaking sidewalk somewhere.”

“This vision of America as a bunch of helpless people who can’t get anything done until a commission advises President Obama insults my intelligence.”

“We have the most expensive education system in the world, and yet we still need an advisory commission for Asian-Americans and Pacific Islanders to create educational opportunities? Life is an educational opportunity, is it not?”

“Joe Biden says he’s number two in line for the presidency, when he’s number one? God, I wish he was number two, but that would make Pelosi number one. We’re screwed.”

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