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“What must it be like to be Algore? The guy is telling one of the biggest lies in the history of American politics.”

“This Dem subpoena effort is political, it is a witch hunt, and it’s a desire to find a crime. And I’ll tell you what else: the reason that Leahy wants these people — Rove and Harriet Miers — under oath is to set a perjury trap. He wants to pull a Patrick Fitzfong on them.”

“So this guy was found guilty in April of 2005 of felony mistreatment of an animal after he killed a horse with the intention of having sex with it. The judge said, ‘This type of behavior is disturbing. It’s disturbing to the public, it’s disturbing to the court.’ Really?”

“How does Mr. Snerdley ‘diss’ you when you call? This is the first I’ve heard of this. But, you know what — after hearing about this I think Snerdley deserves a raise, frankly.”

“Every timewe get one of these ‘ugly’ stories, there’s a very logical question: Who decides who’s ugly or not? It’s a valid question, but the answer is simple: The ugly know who they are. They have to look in the mirror, too.”

“I’m holding here between my formerly nicotine-stained fingers an official Arnold Schwarzenegger cigar. I received it today via overnight courier; it’s complete with the office of the governor of California seal and he autographed it inside. I’ll report back on the quality of the cigar as the program unfolds today.”

“The Global Warming Stack — I’m convinced it’s making love to itself because it just keeps growing. It’s getting to the point where we could do a whole show on it, but, of course, that would be overkill.”

“I have to take a break and get away from all these people thinking I’m in trouble again. I’m not in trouble, and even if I am, I’m not in trouble for anything legitimate. And I can take the heat. What the hell — you people out there need to relax!”

“So Gore wouldn’t take this energy-saving pledge. In essence, he was saying: ‘I’m not going to change my life. That’s up to you plebes to do. I’m the leading snake oil salesman in this hoax, and that’s what gives me my power.'”

“The bottom line is: You mess with Mrs. Bill Clinton, and you watch out. You have to love Big Brother! You can’t just obey!”

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“Republican administration aides are going to need legal fees built into their compensation.”

“Like I said yesterday, the Republican field is sort of like the buffet at Denny’s. Do they have a buffet at Denny’s? They don’t have a buffet as Denny’s. Well, imagine they had a buffet at Denny’s and everything on the menu was in the buffet.”

“As far as I’m concerned, Bush didn’t act soon enough in getting rid of some of these institutionalized Clintonoidsin the Department of Justice. It was all part of the ‘new tone,’ but look what it got him? Zip, zero, diddly-squat.”

“Mr. Snerdley reports that he’s getting a lot of phone calls from people who remember that the president was going to veto the campaign finance bill but didn’t, and the Supreme Court — ha, ha! — authorized it. Excuse me. Don’t know why I laughed at that. It’s not funny.”

“So that’s why you’re fit to be tied and smoking, Snerdley; you got a call from the ex! Youshould change the number.”

“We’re giving away eight 80-gig iPods engraved with a perfect reproduction of my signature, and the peoplewho willwin these will be randomly selected. I don’t even get one, folks.”

“I am like you — I’m getting a little impatient with this. I want my Rush for Peace coffee mug! You know, this Nobel Peace Prize nomination is sort of fading into the ether out there. I have to keep it alive.”

“I think the universe of women that would support the ERA this time around is much less than it was when it first started. Although,I’m sure they still have their radicals and these babes up in the Pacific Northwest — you see them in airports with their two German shepherds making sure you don’t attack them.”

“69% of those 62 and older said they would not vote for Mrs. Bill Clinton. Wonder what they would have against her? I’m sure it’s the ex-wife-reminder factor.”

“More sad news this morning: Tony Snow’s cancer is back. We are sort of melancholy here over all of this today. I’m sure the prayers and thoughts of everybody who’s heard the news have gone out to Tony and his family. He’s beaten this thing once, and he vows to beat it again.”

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“We’re more concerned about the future of polar bears than we are our own country.”

“If you’re the Iranians and you take hostage 15 sailors who start confessing within 24 hours, what are you going to learn from it? You’re going to learn that nobody in the West is going to stop you from ramping up your nuke arsenal. You also learn that you can play the Western media like a Stradivarius.”

“I’m not telling you the Islamists are dangerous — they are! Listen to them! They’re the ones who are threatening to blow us off the map along with Israel! Listen to bin Laden, listen to Zawahiri, listen to Ahmadinejad! That’s what scares me — nobody believes what these people say!”

“It’s been so long since we have heard some Klaus Nomi. Have you heard our gay community update theme? Oh, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel: you spend too much time watching Al Gore’s movie.”

“If you’re wondering what Klaus Nomi looks like, all I can tell you is that when I listened to him for the first time I imagined his looks. Then I saw a photo of Klaus Nomi, and I was right on the money.”

“You liberals are going to have to get over this silly notion that everybody is entitled to dump on us because ‘we discriminate against people.’ Terrorism is the ‘only way’ the Islamists can be heard? Why can’t they just be happy and live amongst themselves?”

“‘The purpose of armies is to kill people and break things.’ When I read that I thought, ‘Yep, that pretty much sums it up as briefly as it can be summed up.'”

“‘The Clinton campaign denies that it strong armed anybody, saying the warnings Hillary made were in jest.’ Yeah, Hillary is such a funny babe; she’s such a jokester. When’s the last time you laughed when a Clinton said anything? I mean, laughing with them.”

“I think the only thing that could wake up the United States to the Iranian threat is if they nuked one of Oprah’s homes. They might even get upset if they nuke Paris Hilton’s house.”

“Left-handed people are obviously the result of poor potty-training during the formative years.”

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“This is my country, too, and I’m not going to let the Democrat Party or some lackey watchdog group or a couple of race hustlers dictate my speech.”

“I went to the cigar dinner on Thursday night and I was asked up to the podium to speak as I always do. I said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not allowed. My remarks have not yet received clearance from the Reverend Jackson and the Reverend Sharpton.'”

“Liberals demanded Imus’ head. They charged that he insulted black youth and damaged their psyches with possible lifelong consequences, and they fired him for that. Well, the teachers unions have been doing that for years.”

“Everybody thinks I’m next in the crosshairs. What they’re wrong about is I’ve been in the crosshairs long before Don Imus even knew what it was like to be in the crosshairs!”

“There are literally tens of millions of us who are going to fight these people on the left every step of the way when they attempt to destroy us in the new media. The left knows they can’t win in the arena of ideas, so it’s time to take them out.”

“These people that are running these ‘watchdog’ websites as arms of the Democrat machine and are agenda-driven and all of the critics of this program — they wouldn’t last a week behind this microphone with the scrutiny that I’ve had.”

“What’s Snoop Dogg’s real name? Calvin Broadus? I watched a movie last week and he played a wheelchair-bound, ex-con drug addict who was caught for selling cocaine again somewhere on the street in some dingy city. And, of course, the character was cool.”

“Because you listen every day, you know the attacks on this program are not rooted in any fact, and I can never fully repay you for that. The real power of this program (aside from my brain) is you.”

“If you don’t think 2008 is all about the Clintons getting back in the White House, you got another thing coming. I’m going to tell you that as we sit here today, there is an 80% chance that Hillary Clinton will be the next president of the United States.”

“Yes, that’s what I’m smoking at this very moment — a La Flor Dominicana Double Ligero Chisel.It’s kick-ass.”

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“Which will be the most air-headed interview tonight, Chris Matthews and John Edwards, or Larry King and Paris Hilton?”

“And here we are: three busy broadcast hours on the most listened to radio talk show in America — a program that frightens and scares the American left to the pointthat they want to deny this program’s constitutional access to the First Amendment.”

“These elitist snobs at Hardball set up this ambush, but Ann did not waver from it whatsoever. It was cool. It was good.”

“We keep hearing, ‘We can’t deport 12 million people. Why, we couldn’t round them up.’ Well, how the hell are we going to make all these people ‘touch back’ to their home countries? If we can’t deport them, how we going to deport them?”

“One of the nicest guys on television and NPR is Juan Williams, but while talking about the amnesty bill he said, ‘It’s just a nice thing to do.’ So, in six words, he summed up the liberal argument for amnesty: ‘It’s a nice thing to do.'”

“If I was Ann Coulter I would’ve said, ‘Mrs. Edwards, so nice that your husband has your skirt to hide behind and refuses to appear on Fox News because he considers them hostile — and yet he sends you out to criticize me because I’m appearing on an enemy network.'”

“Let’s say cloture is defeated tomorrow — go ahead and exhale, but wake up Friday morning and understand that the Democrats can come right back with some other measure. These people are relentless.”

“The Drive-By Media is all excited about Slick Willie saying his wife ‘won’t be swift booted.’ Uh, ‘boated.’ Actually, I like ‘swift booted’ better.”

“Pardon my French, but the barred owl is kicking the ass out of the northern spotted owl. They’re raping female spotted owls — exactly. So if you’re going to put an abuse billboard anywhere, put it in the great northwest to get these barred owls to stop picking on the northern spotted owl.”

“There’s reason here to not throw in the towel: you’re the backbone of this country. You are the ones that make the country work, not these schlubs in Washingtonwho get elected.”

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“What does the modern Democrat Party stand for, folks? Subpoenas, surrender, and censorship.”

“‘The Bush economic plan’ — do you ever hear those words, by the way? You don’t. That’s becausethe Bush economic plan worked, and it worked brilliantly. The Bush economic plan is the only state secret that hasn’t been leaked to the liberal media.”

“Everybody’s puzzling over my meaning of Mrs. Clinton being a ‘trophy wife.’ Think bowling trophy wife.”

“I want to give an ‘attagirl’ here to CNBC correspondent Erin Burnett. Although, I’m probably now ruining her career because I have praised her. That will cause the others in the Drive-By Media to question her loyalty to the cause.”

“You just have to laugh when Elizabeth Edwards calls out Hillary Clinton for not acting like a woman, unlike her husband. And let’s just leave it at that.”

“OSHA is the Gestapo in the disguise of an angel.”

“I have a question about this all-nighter in the Senate tonight. Will the hookers be putting in overtime, too, or will they charge their normal daytime rate?”

“I was serious when I said I want to record the Senate’s all-night session tonight just so you can show your grandkids who freed Al-Qaeda from the battlefield so they could slaughter Americans here at home.”

“Americans are like no other people: through hard work and ingenuity, they will create jobs and wealth when the government gets out of the way. Hello, Ronald Reagan and the eighties.”

“We all know what table scraps are. In fact, you people in Rio Linda eat them.”

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“As a personal aside, I would prefer to be invisible to the government, quite frankly. I would love to be invisible from people like you, Mrs. Clinton.”

“The great thing about the United States is that we don’t have to have a ‘procreation day’.Everybody’s getting it on during the lunch hour anyway.”

“Liberals are trying to change everything about the way people live. It’s been going on a long time, but it would have advanced a lot sooner had it not been for the effectiveness of me.”

“VladimirPutin is former KGB. Well, there is no such thing, actually, as ‘former’ KGB. Once you are KGB, you are KGB.”

“There is no documented evidence of secondhand smoke killing anybody. That is a myth, and the WHO suppressed their own survey on this. Besides, my mom smoked — and look at me!”

“I hate the holier-than-thou among us who think that everything they do in life is right, and so everybody else has to emulate them: ‘You smoke? Ew! Ew! I must make you stop!'”

“I got a bunch of e-mails from people, Mr. Rove, when I said you were going to be on the show. They wanted me to pass on to you that they love you.”

“Do you realize that 99% of people who have been in an auto accident ate carrots during the previous 12 months of their lives? Do you realize that 99.9% of all people who have died have eaten carrots? Carrots are hugely deadly!”

“I have an idea, folks: let’s start irrigating Laurie David’s backyard.”

“Lilly, if you’re still out there, I goofed up on one thing: Barbie dolls are part of the Mattel recall because there’s lead in there. So Lilly, don’t lick your Barbie doll.”

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“If I sued the people who steal my thoughts and ideas I would not have time to be on the radio.”

“Boy, the president was on fire today at the VFW convention in Kansas City. By the way, for those of you Hollywood liberals out there, ‘VFW’ means ‘Veterans of Foreign Wars.’ You know — soldiers, rapists, murderers, barbarians (in your eyes).”

“‘A 59-year-old woman has been hospitalized after being mauled by two pit bulls who came into her house.’ Maybe they heard about the Mike Vick plea deal and now they’re lashing out.”

“‘No massive bloodbath in Vietnam’? The level of tolerance for bloodbaths exhibited by John Kerry and the Democrat Party is truly amazing. But don’t worry about it, folks, because liberals care for people more than anybody else does.”

“By the way, Disney, where’s the DVD for Path to 9/11? I mean, I got the third season of House on DVD yesterday, and that show didn’t end until May.”

“I once poured some talcum powder down my brother’s mouth one day because I thought it made him look better. It was in the back of the car, and we were on our way down to see grandma. I said, ‘Here, Dave!’ and my mother got mad.”

“‘Inspection and quarantine units in various ChiCom areas have discovered a large number of quality and safety problems with imports of US soybeans.’ What do you bet it’s urine?”

“From CBS: ‘Boss a Jerk? Think About Suing Him.’ I think that this is what John Edwards is going to do when he drops out of the Democrat race next month.”

“So CNN went out and did a report about how it’s the federal government’s job to provide birth control for kids in college! Just don’t use the cell phone for three days and save up the money! Oh, forget that — their parents are probably paying for that.”

“John Kerry never met a communist he didn’t want to defend.”

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“If Eli Manning were smart, he would change his race today.”

“The cigar I just lit tastes like it had perfume on it. Have you been messing around in the humidor, Dawn? No, it’s not the soap. Man, this smells like a French bordello.”

“I’m going to tell you something, folks: The one thing about this McNabb incident that I have noticed and am not happy about is thatit has made Donovan McNabb a perfect victim — and that is just very sad. There was no need for him to become a victim.”

“Actually, ChiCom workers don’t make nearly as much as American workers, or employees. I hate that word — ‘worker’. It’s a communist word.”

“If we all have to go get health insurance to get a job, I have another questionfor Mrs. Clinton: Will she require us all to wear as hospital gowns those Chairman Mao suits that she wears?”

“I ought to do a Rush Limbaugh exercise video: ‘When it comes time to pack, go to your closet with your staff member, open the door and point to what you want packed, rather than sending them an e-mail. That will require you to climb the steps to your closet upstairs.'”

“This business of Charles Barkley saying that the Philadelphia fans have been rude and unfair to McNabb… they’re that way to everybody! They boo Santa Claus!”

“I love myself, I love my life, and I’m trying to protect it against the encroachment of little new liberal castrati nerds like you, Mrs. Clinton, John Edwards, and all the rest of those people.”

“Where does Mrs. Clinton come off as the health care expert? Where does Obama come off as the chief lecturer on capitalism? ‘But Rush! But Rush! They’re presidential candidates!’ I know. And it’s up to the people to figure out that they’re frauds.”

“I admit: this is the first time I’ve encountered a Muslim with the last name ‘Butt’.”

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“Will Media Matters report that I apologized to the troops, period? Which isn’t what I did. I apologized on behalf of Media Matters.”

“One daythere was a Federal Express package for me. Inside in a Ziploc bag was an American flag. I read the letter and found out that that flag had been flown during the original invasion of Iraq in 2003 in my honor. And I looked at this, and I started crying.”

“There’s a little problem brewing in New York for Mrs. Clinton. As you now know, sure winners in New York do not win — look at the New York Mets.”

“We all know what Mrs. Clinton’s laugh is about. That laugh is a signal to whoever asks her a question she doesn’t want to answer: ‘Your testicles could end up in my lockbox if you keep persisting in this way.'”

“Hillary’s afraid to specifically tell people what she wants to do because that would be the end of her. She is a hard-core liberal. Hard-core liberals do not win national elections.”

“I’m for liberty, liberals are for control, and I don’t want them controlling my life — and you shouldn’t want them controlling yours, Billy, although it sounds like they already do.”

“Do me a favor: I want you to hear my interview with Clarence Thomas. You know, we could’ve cut this down to 45 minutes, but it’s pretty powerful, inspirational, and motivational.”

“My father would not believe any of this. He just wouldn’t believe that his son has become the focal point of Democrats in the House and Senate, someone targeted for destruction and smeared as a private citizen.”

“I went over to visit some bases in Afghanistan, and not all of the troops were happy with me in terms of my politics. But I told every damn one of them that I was in awe of them.”

“What I want to do now is demand that Harry Reid come on this program and confront me like a man — live, unedited. Come on this show and let’s go at it. I’m not going to allow hack politicians to lie about what I said anymore.”

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“Jimmy Carter is single-handedly responsible for the nation of Iran.”

“I remember liberals making fun of Ronald Reagan. He was a dunce and he hated the homeless. He would sneak into the park across the White House at night, steal their cans of pork and beans, eat their pork and beans and say, ‘Glad I’m eating these and the homeless aren’t!'”

“Did you see this story? Five Democrats have withdrawn from the Michigan primary? What’s funny to me is that… Well, it’s just such a delight to be able to say this: ‘Hillary is not pulling out of Michigan.’ There, I did it!”

“Henry Waxman, you might want to be warned of this: The more liberals who are exposed to this program — such as your crack investigative staff — the more likely they are to question their own beliefs. So protect your base, if you will.”

“A lot of people are sending me e-mails: ‘Rush, what is Mrs. Clinton talking about when she talks about a centrist coalition?’ I’m sorry for not explaining that. ‘Centrist coalition’ for Mrs. Clinton means ‘a coalition of Marxists, Leninists, Stalinists, and socialists’ — pure and simple.”

“The Limbaugh Letter is the largest,most widely read political newsletter in the country, folks. I will pay myself the $20,000 that commercial just cost.”

“San Francisco Chronicle: ‘People have realized they can hate George Bush, but still not want people crapping in their doorway.’ Would somebody explain that to me? This is pure liberal speak.”

“I appreciate anybody who’s willing to be optimistic and positive about this country. It’s so magnetic. It’s so redeeming. It’s motivational, it’s inspirational, and it has the added benefit of being true.”

“Am I the only one who finds it depressing that while past laureates like Mother Teresa and Albert Schweitzer spent decades working with the poor in terrible conditions, Gore will win for making a movie? Moreover, a movie of himself giving a lecture?”

“I should be the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize! I’ve done more for liberty and individual freedom — which is what leads to peace — than anybody in this year’s roster of candidates!”

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“We have to stop the exploitation of sick and young people for the advancement of liberalism on the basis of they can’t be criticized.”

“Oil is king right now, and it’s going to be for a long time. And I am not going to go out and grab a bunch of leaves and take them inside when I have to use the bathroom. I am going to use toilet paper! I’m going to try to be as hygienically correct as I can!”

“Senator Kennedy gave us a description of waterboarding recently. I thought, ‘Here’s a guy that if anybody should know about drowning, it would be Senator Kennedy.'”

“Thisglobal warming stuff is just a way to increase taxes by hiding it behind some virtuous, save-the-planet garbage. Chuck Rangel at least had the honesty to come out and say, ‘You’re not paying nearly enough, and I’m going to soak you.'”

“Have you ever noticed how often Mrs. Clinton says, ‘I don’t know about that’? Here’s a woman who is maniacally in control of everything in her life, and yet at the most inappropriate times for her it’s: ‘I don’t know about that.'”

“Report: ‘Married men with kids actually report a lower rate of absences at work than men without kids.’ Hell, yes! Who would want to stay home with the kids when you’re married? Now I’m getting argumentsfrom all the fathers here on the staff.”

“I’m all for saving energy and not wastingjust for extravagant purposes, but, at the same time, it is my house, it is my property, and, if I’m willing to pay for it, then screw everybody else!”

“I think we’re missing the whole point of all this waterboarding stuff anyway. Who the hell are we talking about here? We’re talking about the type of lowlifes that behead people and plot things like 9/11!”

“I have an even better way to save energy: Stop complaining to me about my lights, and let’s just turn off MSNBC. Then again, it may not do anything because there aren’t that many people watching it in the first place.”

“I got out of my blue funk last night for a host of reasons, not the least of which was the Steelers mauling the Baltimore Ravens. Payback!”

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