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“Throughout his presidency, the media was always trying to hint that Ronaldus Magnus was suffering from Alzheimer’s when of course he wasn’t. Now, who acts more like they are an Alzheimer’s sufferer than Barack Obama?”

“I’m Rush Limbaugh. The first word in conservatism; the last word in conservatism as well.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, is it safe to say now that Obama is agreeing with me that he has failed?”

“So now it’s time for change. ‘I’m Barack Obama, and I just got here! You elected me in November of 2008, but today is my first day on the job; and after ten years of absolute purposeful destruction of the economy by my predecessor and his party — and after wasting a trillion dollars on this war — I have finally shown up, and it’s time to invest in you. So I, Barack Obama, am starting that today.”

“Everything up until yesterday that hasn’t worked, that was all Bush. Obama wants a reset.”

“Ninety-five percent of these people on cable TV who are ID’d as Democrat or Republican ‘strategists’ have never been to the Democrat National Committee or the Republican National Committee, and they don’t know anybody there.”

“Paul Krugman wanted another World War II to lift us out of recession. So the left, if they were to be consistent, would be livid that we’re pulling out of Afghanistan.”

“There is news out there from the Labor Department: Jobless benefits are up ‘more than expected’ again, and the so-called experts are surprised.”

“It turns out now, I’m probably the guy God was thinking of when he invented radio.”

“Obama plans to release 30 million barrels of oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. Well, that must mean that increasing supply is pretty important, so why not drill for it here? Why not raise the drilling moratorium? Oh, we can’t do that!”

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