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"We can't use Obama's middle name. Now, we can't say 'Obama' without them thinking it's racist. So what are we left with? Barry? Call him Barry?"
"Operation Chaos continues to exceed all objectives. Oh, man! I keep getting up every day, thinking: 'It's going to end, it's going to burn out.' But no, ladies and gentlemen -- it keeps intensifying."
"You know, Hillary, if you're going to lie about this Bosnia trip, just say that you were confused -- that you were watching sniper fire on the in-flight movie andthat's where you got the idea for it."
"Do not be intimidated, folks, and do not be frightened: You are not going to jail. And if anybody goes to jail, I will go to jail for all of us -- and I will broadcast live for the ten minutes that I am in there."
"I have to tell you something, folks: The left and the Democrats did everything but gift wrap their primary schedule for my 20th anniversary."
"'Prosecutors are moving ahead with a case against one of two 93-year-old men picked up during an undercover prostitution sting.' At 93 years old -- God love 'em -- they must get a senior discount."
"The dirty little secret is that Democrat votes in the Democrat primary don't even count! Have you heard of superdelegates? They're there to prevent stupid Democrat voters from nominating somebody like George McGovern or Jimmy Carter!"
"New York Times: 'Obama Poll Collapse May be Clinton's Best Hope.' You know, folks, it's pretty damn sad when your only hope is a mistake made by your opponent."
"Well, we're really, really going way back here in the Grooveyard of Forgotten Favorites: Dave 'Baby' Cortez, Rinky Dink, from 1962. Brian, you were probably not even a thought in 1962."
"I just know that if Charles Barkley called here, he would use his real name."