My friends, today's update is not directed at you. Nooffense, butI want to deliver a memo to terrorists worldwideto make sure thatour enemies are up to speed on new developments here in America.
Memo item No. 1: The incoming administration of The Messiah, Lord Barack Obama the Most Merciful, has let it be known that harsh interrogation techniques will no longerbe tolerated. At his confirmation hearing, our next Attorney General, Eric Holder, declared that waterboarding is torture;it won'tbe permitted. Now, this means thatwhen you terrorists are captured--if you terrorists are captured --you will no longer be compelled to tell us what evil plans you have in the works. And don't worry: as soon as we can, we're going to close Club Gitmo.
Item 2: Lord Barack the Most Merciful has granted a boon to your leader, Mr. Bin Laden. In October, Lord Obama said: "We will kill Bin Laden. We will crush Al-Qaeda. That has to be our biggest national security priority." But now Lord Obama just wants to "weaken Bin Laden's infrastructure,"so that,"whether he is technically alive or not, he is pinned down." So now, "technically alive" is okay;we no longer care if Osama is killed.
Item 3: America is doing its part. We will be a kinder, gentler, more passive nation. Now you evil terroristshave todo your part. Join us in this effort. Play fair. Be nice. Love Obama. Just leave us alone,and all will be forgiven. That'sall.