RUSH: I received an e-mail, ladies and gentlemen, during the break. ‘Rush, your monologue to women in the last hour was funny as hell. It was very brilliant. But I think you’re misunderstanding Bill Clinton standing behind his wife frowning and looking bored. Could you try to look at it from his perspective?’ And that’s all the e-mail said. So I got to thinking about that: What would Bill Clinton say if he’d heard my monologue to women? Because that e-mail got me to thinking. It might go something like this: (doing extended Clinton impression) ‘Hey? Hey, Limbaugh! I heard that monologue that you did to women, talking about me sitting back there looking all depressed and down in the dumps, like I had sunburn and so forth. Come on, Rush! You’re a guy. You gotta look at it from my perspective. Where did I come from? I came from the swamps. I came from nothing. I mean, I came from poor people. Nothing, nothing. Arkansas, Limbaugh, I came from — and I rose up. I rose up to become president of the U-nited States of America. I did. I overcame obstacles like you can’t believe.
”She stood by her man,’ everybody is saying, because she stood by me. What about me? You think I didn’t stand by her? How many guys — you included, Limbaugh — how many of you ditched your first wives? How many of you guys ditched your second wives? You know my wife sounds just like your first wife and second wife probably put together, but I — I — stuck in there. And look what’s happened to me? I presided over one of the greatest periods of prosperity and peace the world has known! I got my daughter out there. My daughter! My daughter is saying my wife will be a better president than I could be, and I can’t say anything about that, Limbaugh. I can’t say anything about it. My daughter is out there disrespecting me, and I gotta sit there and smile? You want me to smile standing behind those two? You want me to stand there behind a loser who couldn’t run a smart campaign if her life depended on it?
‘She had no plan after February 5th, Limbaugh! Do you understand that? She thought she was going to have to it wrapped up by February 5th. She had no plan! That’s why she’s in this sit’ation. I’m supposed to stand back there and I’m supposed to smile.? Look at me! I’ve lost all my black friends. I was ‘the first black president.’ I have to sit here and I have to listen as this rookie out of Chicago gets to be the first black president. Everybody knows I was. This guy is the biggest lightweight I have run into. I’m called a racist! I was the first black president. I had Maya Angelou do that poem, ‘A River, A Rock, A Tree,’ at my inauguration; and now Oprah is running around throwing birthday parties with Maya Angelou and not inviting me. My God, Limbaugh, you have no clue what this is like! I’m supposed to sit there and listen to my daughter insult me by saying my presidency would be nothing compared to my wife’s? I’m supposed to stand behind her, and I’m supposed to look happy?
‘Here’s another thing, Limbaugh. I bet you haven’t thought of this. There have been 43 presidents of the United States. Forty-three. And I, I’m the first damn one of them whose wife wanted the damn job, too; and I gotta sit there and act like, ‘Whoa, that’s great, honey! What can I do to help you?’ This woman has been trying to take over every day of my life! Everything I’ve done she tried to take over. She’s held everything that every other husband does over my head and demanded payback for it. I’m supposed… I get shipped out into the dregs of North Carolina! You saw me. They had me in the back porches in the sticks talking to 20 people at a time. I’m supposed to help her win North Carolina? All this time I’m being called a racist. You know how humiliating it was, Limbaugh? You commented on this. I know you know. I was dispatched to someplace called Whiteville, North Carolina, in the midst of this campaign — and my wife doesn’t even have the courage.
‘She may thank me up there, but she doesn’t talk about how great I am. She praises her mother; she praises Chelsea. You saw that picture Drudge had up on his site of Chelsea. She can’t draw a crowd. What did she have, 20 people there? I can outdraw my daughter any time, but I am the one…that’s getting all the grief here? And you expect me…? I mean, I’ve done more for women — I’ve done more women — than Hillary could ever think of doing; and I’m supposed to sit there and act happy? I swear! People have lost their ability to understand how tough it has been for me. All that scandal stuff that wrecked my presidency, what was it? You think that was my fault? That scandal stuff, you think that was my fault? Hillary’s billing records show up on my watch in the White House in the Map Room, and that somehow is my fault? Hillary wants to fire everybody in the travel office. Hell, I don’t know what’s going on in there!
‘I’m president. I haven’t got time for that kind of mundane stuff. She’s firing everybody in the travel office. Real estate deals? She was always so obsessed with money, Limbaugh, you can’t believe it. That Whitewater deal? She messed around with the McDougals. All that was about getting rich quick — and I let her have health care. I let her do whatever she wanted with health care, and she botched it; and she’s the reason that we lost the House in 1994! It wasn’t me. And I’m supposed stand behind her and act like I’m happy I’m standing behind a loser? You can sit here and you can talk to these women all you want. Let me give you my perspective on this, Limbaugh. You’re me. You’re president of the United States, surrounded by all kinds of women — women of great passion. So on one hand I got women of great passion; on the other hand my wife. What would you do? Now, you know, guys out there understand what I’m going through. They understand what I’m talking about.
‘But I really resented that monologue you did talking about how all these liberal guys are cheating on Hillary. It’s up to her to do something on her own for once, isn’t it? Limbaugh, do you know how embarrassing it is for me to understand that you did more for her in this campaign than I could do? That bothers me more than you will ever know. If they’d have let me have my way I could have taken Obama out of this in the first week; I could have done it even before Jeremiah Wright showed up. Certainly after Jeremiah Wright showed up I could have handled this. But noooo, no! They didn’t want me anywhere near it. Ickes, Wolfson, all these people — people I kicked out of my administration — are a bunch of hacks. This is the thanks I get. If it hadn’t been for me being elected president, my wife… If it weren’t for my last name that she has, she wouldn’t be known by anybody in this country, and I gotta sit here and you tell me I’m supposed to be happy standing behind a lo-ser?
‘Now, where in the hell were we last night? We’ve been traveling so much, I don’t even know. (sigh) These women out there, they used to have me in their dreams. You remember all those stories about the power is ‘crackling in my jeans’? You remember all that? And now I’ve become a joke! I’m a laughingstock. And now you even out there. You tell people I hit on your date. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Hit on your date in the Kobe Club in New York. Ha-ha, you wish Limbaugh you wish you dated somebody I cared enough about to be able to do that. These women, they’re mad, and they’re bitter. They used to love me! They used to love me. They used to crave me. They used to crave about me. They used to promise me that they would give Lewinskys in exchange for keeping abortion legal, and now they want to abort me. You put yourself in my shoes.’